Sunday, February 8, 2009

About I'm Sorry...

When I wrote the I'm Sorry post, I didn't mean to actually feel sorry for myself. I received some nice, supportive comments and I thank you all for it. My real 'hidden' agenda was to point out that people are always talking about you behind your back, either good or bad. You can't say you don't do it, coz you'd just be a hypocrite. Be it your best friend, your family members, your closest siblings and even your spouse, they ALL talk about you behind your back. This is something beyond our control and we just have to accept that simple fact.

Sometimes, you might just catch a hold of the grapevine and hear some of those things. You might hear it from a concerned friend, family member, colleagues or your hobby of eavesdropping and gossiping etc. If it's good, you'd be smiling ear to ear. If it's bad, then it could ruin the moment and even your day. This post is not to touch on the good stuff, but what happens when invisible, verbal knives are being flung at you from behind.

Whatever it is, bad stuff about yourself isn't nice to hear. Those of who are confident enough or know that it's not true, will just shrug it off. Sometimes, the indirect verbal assaults can hit a sensitive spot, or re-open fresh wounds from the past. Recently, that has happened to me. Well, not all of what I wrote about, just some of it. Worst of all, it hit me deeply enough because it was something that I feared to be true and evidently, it is. This happened to me both when I was with my first ex, and now with Bobo.

I KNOW I shouldn't pay any attention to what others think, but I felt that this pierced me deeply because, somehow I believed it myself. If you've read about me in this blog, you'd know that I was (still am) someone who is self-conscious about my face and skin. It can boggle your mind, how something as simple as having bad, acne-ridden skin, can affect your ego and personal life.

I know what some of you might be thinking,"It'll only affect you if you let it".

Yes, that is true, but usually it's spoken to me by someone who seldom or rarely has zits. And even if they did, they've have only a small few that made no impact to their skin. Otherwise, they'd have nice smooth faces that would look good any time. Someone who hasn't suffered chronic acne outbreaks in their lives cannot possibly understand the deep lashes it can afflict on your self-esteem. Please, don't even pretend to understand, because you don' just don't.

By now, some of you would be thinking,"Oh gawd, Mark's whining about his damn face again...".

Well, actually I'm not. I just want to point out how hurtful it can be, when people that your BF knows, mention to him about how bad-looking you are. Yes, I heard this from both my ex and Bobo's mouth. In fact, a good girl friend of my ex actually said to my face, on the 1st time we met, about how much less cuter than my ex described. Don't know what garbage he fed her about my looks. Nevertheless, I was stumped and speechless, but just kept smiling. Even my ex's family talked about his new bad-looking BF, and they don't even know me!

When I got together with Bobo, his close friends (who're much older than him) asked why did he choose an ugly BF this time. Even his sister commented about how bad I looked. I mean, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I thought I just had it in my head that I didn't look good. I guess I must be involuntarily telepathic and projecting my own thoughts unconsciously, since they're saying the exact same thing.

I know I shouldn't let this affect me so much, but when you constantly get shot down for something beyond your control but has affected you badly throughout your life, it does 'wonders' to your self esteem! It's literally bitch-slapping my ego, kicking it the groin, pummelling it to death with a dead puppy and then bitch-slapping it's cold dead face somemore, until it's eyes pop out!

So that's why I wrote I'm Sorry, to sarcastically negate any bad comments or remarks made behind my back or used to judge me, when they don't even know me in person. I know people have said things about other aspects of my life, without bothering to know the reasons behind them. So there you go, I wanted to give you a simple explanation, but the over-active 'nightbird' in me just went on and on!

PS: No puppies died during this post. It was already dead when I got it...


PianoBoy said...

do try detoxification once in a while. dun sleep late, eat vege and meat in 2:1 ratio.
dun use extreme way to treat the problem, it will leave scars.
dun worry, you will get it through just like i did.

so dun say i dun understand. ^_^

Anonymous said...

Gambateh!!! You can do it....
Just made the change.... I experienced these problems before especially FACE!!! Do not give up, Mr. Mark! ;)

Anonymous said...

In the gay world and in this century, whether you like to hear it or not, looks is very very important. Yes, not all people are born with good looks but no matter what, you will still need to take good care of it to the best of your abilities (I'm not saying that you are not). There's no excuse to it. If you have acne ridden face, keep looking for a solution, try a different dermatologist if one doesn't work. Change your lifestyle e.g. sleep earlier, quit smoking, watch your food, detox, etc. If you have crooked teeth - wear braces, if you have stained teeth, go teeth bleaching. If you have fugly protruding mole with hair the size of jupiter on your face, go laser removal treatment. If you do not know how to style your hair, learn. Seek hairstylist's or friend's advice. If you have hair loss problem, go for treatment or implant. If you look better in glasses even if you don't need them, wear them. If you don't have fashion sense, seek friend's advice. If you're out of shape, exercise and eat healthily. If you have B.O., use deodorant. etc etc. You just need to put in effort to groom yourself to look, and smell better. It really does make a difference. Good luck!

Isaac Rizard said...

Hv u tried 2 take antibiotic? Tetracyline perhaps? I allergic 2 that antibiotic though. Will post more details as im reading this from my hp. Will get 2 my laptop.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's sad and disheartening to hear such words about oneself but you must not let those words push you down. Don't let anyone pull you down. If you're a millionaire, do you think those people will say about your looks? They will talk about how rich you are. my point is, work hard, earn more, save more, and be a rich guy!

You're not in the modelling industry, right? So who cares about how you look.

Mark said...

PianoBoy: Yeah hopefully I'll get thru it too =)

Kevin: Hehe, thanks. If I gave up now, I wouldn't be continually taking care of my face.

Anonymous: Yes, I get what you're trying to say. Know the problem and find the solution. It isn't going to fix itself. I'm done finding excuses a long time ago. Else, I wouldn't have dropped all that weight, started styling my hair and learning to dress well by now =)

Isaac: Solving the problem with my face isn't so easy, since it's mostly a hormonal problem. I'm considering taking verbal medicine.

Mark said...

Calvin: Yeah, definitely disheartening, but I'm always able to pick myself up and keep moving. Sometimes, I do stumble longer...

Isaac Rizard said...

Dearest Mark,

Now I have the time to sit down and look through what you have written in your blog. It is very unfortunate that you have encountered such an experience and I would not say that I have gone through the same experience. Having said that, my experience is a whole new thing altogether as I have to face a lot of rejection by virtue of being a Malay guy who likes Chinese. I guess, you’re facing a hard time due to your facial problem alone and I don’t seriously think that you will go through the same experience should you have a porcelain-clear skin.

However, the thing that matter the most is not what other people are saying about you. If you can overcome the obstacles, that would be different but these people are saying things in which you have no control over.

One thing you should have recognised is that people will talk, regardless of how good looking or ugly, how rich or poor you are. That will definitely put you at better footing to understand the crux of the issue. At this point of time, I believe you’re troubled by what other people are saying about you. My suggestion for you is to desist from feeling sorry about yourself because that is not your fault in the first place. And you are not in any circumstances liable for whatever they are saying about you. It is just a futile attempt to counter their malicious statement about the way you look.

They want to talk; let them talk. You are not in any way pulling down yourself to their lowly standard. If a person judge another person based on his physical outlook, then you should accept them for what they are and give them the pass. When someone judge people based on the looks God given to them, then they are actually questioning God’s wisdom.

This kind of people is showing the other side of their brain because they are a bunch of low quality people who does not appreciate inner beauty. They are not highly educated like you do. You are a university graduate and I expect you to be like one. You are open-minded, sociable and kind to your friends. If someone rejects you for being ugly, then it is their loss, not yours.

At the same time, take their criticism into consideration. If whatever they said about you is related to something you can change, change if you want people’s acceptance. We are living in a society and change is inevitable if you want to suit their environment. It is similar to what I have sacrificed just to be able to blend in Chinese society.

For your facial problem, since you are saying it is a hormonal thingy, you surely need to take some medication to balance up your hormone. Sleep according to the prescribed time and don’t stay up so late into the night and watch what you eat. If you take pork, stop from consuming it. Use your mental power to help reduce the inflammation and acne breakouts. Simplified things and don’t pressure yourself so much. At this point of time, consuming a cocktail of medication can be detrimental to your health as well.

As for your psychological state, concentrate on your positive attributes. Improve yourself wherever you can and don’t allow others to drag you down. If people criticise you, just say thank you to them. At least, they have voluntarily become a mirror for you.

I think that’s all I can say for the time being. You need to be rejuvenated so you can stand proud on your feet again.

Yours + Isaac Rizard