Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dying Flames?

Lately, he hasn't been calling me. Mostly, it's me who's calling him. Even if he's afraid of expensive phone bills, I told him before that he can just miss call me and I'll return the call if he wants to talk to me, so that's out of the question. I won't blame him if he's busy with his relatives during CNY and can't meet up with me, but at least I'd expect a or two call just to hear each other's voice. I still call him every day, despite being unable to see him. I miss him so much but I'm beginning to wonder if he's thinking about me too.

He doesn't like any display of affection in public, even the slightest bit. I can't sneak up and touch his hand or lean too close to him. I understand that he doesn't like it and is afraid of people staring or finding out. Even when we both go out and are alone in the car, he doesn't show any affections and even appear cold sometimes. It's just like another friend sitting next to me in the front passenger seat. Now, I understand about the public display of affections thing. Most gay people or couples just wanna behave like normal in public, since we're not exactly living in the promised land of gay tolerance here, so I won't attempt to change that. Plus, he's also staying with his family, so I can't just pop in for a visit any time I want and definitely can't count on any private time there. So, THE ONLY TIME I get to be close to him is when we're back at my place, which is RARELY. He's only been here a few times since we got attached.

When I'm in a relationship, I love to shower my BF with kisses or hugs for no reason at all. I like to cuddle. I like to hold his hand. I love to feel him close to me. I'd loved it even more if he returned all of those. It just shows how much he feels about me too. I like to hear from him, asking me how my day was or even if we're both just talking crap. It just shows that he's thinking of me too. Yes, I even like those mushy mushy, super lovey dovey, can-give-you-goosebumps text messages every now and then. When Bobo called me lo gong for the first time in an email, it just melted me. But I'm not getting any of that anymore.

It's just a few months into the relationship, the flames should still be going strong. We should still be doing all those things and practically all over each other, but we're not. Maybe he's not the type of person who likes those things. Maybe he's just concerned with his own affairs right now. I don't have a clue, but I can't help thinking that the flame has died, and all TOO soon. I'm almost always there for him...but I can't help feeling that it's one-sided right now. I feel that he doesn't need me as much as I need him. Perhaps he's just more independent than I am, in a relationship. Perhaps he doesn't need me at all...I don't know.

I'm in a relationship, but it feels as if I'm still single. I'm feeling lonely and kinda sad right now. It's been a week since I've seen him. I just want to spend more PRIVATE time with him and draw us both closer to each other. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. Both parties in a relationship need to contribute to keep it alive. If your lover doesn't bother to call, text or even try to see you or get close to you, how would you feel? Or am I just over-reacting?

I think we both need to talk...

12 comments:

Kevin TCP said...

Thing is just started ...
Good luck! :)

Isaac Rizard said...

Dearest Mark,

I do feel your sad and I truly believe that you deserve all happiness the world could possibly shower you with. I could not claim that I am an expert on relationship, I am sure you know more about it that I do.

I hardly know Bobo as I met him only once and that was eons ago. Anything that I can say about him is more theoretical rather than what transpired as the truth.

I can only say that you got to pull yourself together rather than being pulled down the lever. Make yourself stronger and don't stop looking for love.

Yours + Isaac Rizard

cookiedonut said...

hey! don't give up! try to make the flame burns again! good luck :-)

Mark said...

Kevin: The fact that things just started and it's already like this that bothers me...

Isaac: Thanks so much. I'll try to stay strong, for the sake of both of us.

cookiedonut: He won't be around until this Sunday. He's going to SG...

Anonymous said...

you too clingy lah

Mark said...

I doubt it. I know how smothering a clingy lover can be. I only call him once a day. If I think he needs more attention, I'll call him twice or 3 times to check on him.

We barely get to have some time alone these few weeks, but I don't force him to do anything that he doesn't want to.

Calvin said...

Well, maybe he's not the mushy, lovey-dovey type whom you expect him to be? Or maybe something is bothering him? You two should talk. Ask him out for a dinner or lunch, and talk nicely. Both of you should communicate more to understand each other better. All the best!

Isaac Rizard said...

Dearest Mark,

I would like to add to what may have been my safest answer as not to cause you any unwarranted worries or even speculations about your relationship. In this case, I would take the instance of what I have gone through with Adrian that may clarify something about the issue at hand.

Firstly, there must be a common goal that both of you want to achieve. In my case, Adrian and I attended the same gym, which give us more time together. Although most of the time we both would be doing our own set of workout regime, nonetheless the thought of each other is just nearby gives the comfort.

Secondly, I allow Adrian to express himself in many matters. However, like playing kites, you will have to know when to pull the string and when to let go. I want Adrian to know and feel that he is an important part of me.

Thirdly, always communicate with each other. Lack of communication may dampen the relationship and I have always encourage Adrian to speak up, no matter how hard or bitter the things that he is about to say to me. I assured him that there is no reason for me to get angry with him for being truthful with me, even on the most sensitive matter. It is better to be bitter for the truth rather than bitter for someone who may keep to himself all the grouses.

Forthly, keep an open mind on the possibilities. Nothing is permanent in this kind of relationship. And there is nothing to bind you together. One day, one party or the other will step out, leaving the other one rejected and dejected. To have someone who manage to sustain the relationship for many years is indeed a rare species.

Finally, keep the flame up and running. You have the responsibility of doing the job. After a while, a relationship can be monotonous and rather sedentary. It is up to you to revive the flame.

Just my two cents worth.

Yours + Isaac Rizard

misterclueless said...

if thats the case, leave it or dont bother it too much since there are signs of ignoring u so why bother spending ur precious time on people who dont know how to appreciate u. jst dont give a damn then, get a life and continue on ur life, get back on ur own feet

nita said...

u r right... bth of u needs to talk

Mark said...

Calvin: The point is not whether he's what I want him to be. It's what's going on at this point.

Isaac: Good points you've listed, but a lot to think about. I'd prefer to go step by step on this...

misterclueless: Normally, if he were a normal friend, I would just move on quickly. But, he's my BF after all. I can't just move on just like that, and I don't wanna leave things hanging. It's either we're continue or we dont...

nita: Yes, definitely...

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