Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tired of Clubbing

Yes, I said it. I'm officially tired of clubbing. I'm not really getting anything out of it, besides spending a lot of money and sleeping at ungodly hours. I used to think that clubbing was a way to enhance my social network, meet more people or even my potential BF. Don't get me wrong, I did make some friends but that's just about it and nothing else. I guess for me, it isn't a good way to meet a potential BF. I'm probably better off meeting people personally than in clubs. It's too loud in the clubs to even strike a conversation anyways. Besides, you'd only get contacts during clubbing if you're good-looking or gorgeous, which I am neither. If I wanted to shake my ass, I can do it in my own room while jiving to my favorite hip-hop beats, don't need to pay anything and sleep so late, or should I say early in the morning.

I think my time would be much better spent over 'yumcha' sessions babbling away into the night, watching movies or even going shopping. I'll gonna severely cut down on clubbing, perhaps just once in a blue moon to spend time with friends. I'm already getting back into meeting more people and dating, but definitely not from clubbing.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Back To Gaining Lean Mass

So far, my goal has always to achieve a lean, fit and athletic build. Now, I'm going to set a goal of gaining more lean mass. Although I'm quite lean now, I'm not satisfied with my muscle mass and size. The narcissistic side of my wants to look more impressive
and more hot when I'm naked. So here's what I plan to do:
  1. Stay focused on my goal. This is crucial as every meal and workout is driven to achieve my goal, which is to gain more lean mass and minimize any fat gain, or even lose some fat in the process (desirable but not always achievable). I can be very indecisive at times, but now that I've decided on my new goal, I need to stay determined and focused on it.
  2. Lift hard and heavy 3-4 days per week. Naturally, I will need to crank up the intensity and change the program to fit my goal. I will basically be following the similar 4-day spilt program in the past and will need to monitor myself to avoid over-training or prevent any injuries, which I've experienced in the past that put a stop to my progress. I might change or tweak the routine as need to make sure I'm making progress and don't over-train or injure myself.
  3. Eat, eat and eat some more. Yes, I will need to eat more, but within reason and my meals should still consist mostly of clean foods, not stuffing myself with anything I can get my hands on. Wanting to gain muscle is not an excuse to loading up on junk/fast foods that are high is saturated/trans fat, sodium, sugar or processed carbs. Gaining muscle doesn't mean compromising your health, period! So, I'll still be closely monitoring my food intake based on my progress. I need to eat enough for growth and recovery from training. Besides, gaining 10 pounds of muscle along with 10 pounds of fat doesn't look nice at all. In fact, it'll only make you look worse! How many fat and bulky people do you see at the gym? I rest my case.
  4. Eat more protein. This is a no-brainer if you wanna gain lean mass, since protein is the primary building block for your body. This goes hand in hand with #3, as most of my extra caloric intake will come from increasing protein consumption. Of course, I don't wanna overdo it, since any protein that is unused will just be flushed out or stored as fat. I'll keep protein to about 1 gram per pound of body weight.
  5. Getting plenty of rest. I will need at least 8 hours of sleep daily so that I can recover and grow. Besides my muscles, my body and nervous system needs to rest and recover so that I don't overtrain as well.
  6. Keeping cardio to a minimum. I'll need to cut back to 1-3 days per week, just to keep fat gain at bay and helping myself recover faster, usually done on non-lifting days. If I need more rest of non-lifting days, I might just skip it on that day. I also need to conserve more glycogen and calories to fuel my workouts. My muscles are fuller when I keep cardio minimal.

I have a good muscular base to begin with, and I'm not a hard gainer. Once I eat right, get enough rest and lift hard, I find that I can gain muscle pretty easily, but I need to watch it as since I gain fat easily too. Aside from injuries limiting my progress in the past, I'm was also too afraid of gaining fat. When my clothes get tighter as I get bigger, I become psychologically affected and slide back to my old goal. As a former fat guy, I'm so used to trying to get my clothes to fit looser, not the other way around. It's a psychological barrier that I need to get past in order to evolve. I feel as if I'm not achieving my full physical potential, since I can gain lean mass easily but I'm not doing it. I really need to stay focused and determined and not let this affect my progress. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Meaningful Life Lessons

This is written by 90-year-old Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer from Cleveland, Ohio.

Quote Regina Brett: "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more." (added my own comments too)

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good. (Very true, we always tend to focus too much on the bad side of life. Turn your head around and look at other wonderful things that life has brought you and you'll realize, life isn't really that terrible at all)

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step. (How often do we stop dead on our tracks when paralyzed by doubt? Just attempt to ease forward again with smaller steps)

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. (Hating someone really takes a lot of energy, better spend it on something better for you)

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch. (My mind leaves work behind as soon as I'm done for the day. I believe in work life balance and the time left after work should be spent on yourself or those that really matter to you)

5. Pay off your credit cards every month. (Being in debt will bite you hardest when you're getting broke)

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
(Come to think of it, sometimes we get so angry and look for someone to blame, but there isn't anyone we can pin it on. Might as well get angry at Him. He should be able to take it =p)

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck. (I ALWAYS believe in saving for the future and especially for a rainy day. You NEVER know when shit might hit the fan and your savings will come in handy)

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (Yes, my kryptonite as well. If there was a god of chocolate, I'd be the high priest!)

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present. (How often do we let our past hold us back from getting the best out of the present and future?)

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
(What I just realized recently, still trying to get used to it)

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
(I find this very reassuring)

16.Take a deep breath. It calms the mind. (Tried this a few times, it actually works!)

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful. (Yeah, remove anything/anyone that has a negative or bad influence in your life. Keep the ones which makes your life better and brighter)

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger. (Yes, that's the truth, and it also makes you smarter!)

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20.When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
(You only have one life. Chase your dreams, live your passions and pursue your interests! To anyone who tries to stop you, SEE #17 above)

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
(Live everyday like it's your last, so that you can live to the fullest. How often do you hear people say that? It's something we all need to learn to do)

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow. (Those who know me will know that I'm a believer in taking necessary pre-cautions. It's never wrong to prepare for the worst and it's also re-assuring and relieves some stress from the unexpected. You spend less time worrying and more time on what you want/need to do)

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
(Smart people are SEXY, that's for sure =p)

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you. (Still learning to be happy with myself)

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ''In five years, will this matter? (OMG, I love this one. How often do we stress out SO MUCH about a certain bad situation or period of time, when it doesn't really matter in the long run?)

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.
(To err is human, to forgive divine. Everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance. Even if someone has wronged you, forgiving them takes a HUGE load of your heart. You'd be surprised how much the hurt, hate and grudge can weigh you down)

29. What other people think of you is none of your business. (You can't control what people think of you, but you can control your actions which can influence what people think of you. Do you agree?)

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
(I'm a firm believer in learning to laugh at yourself. Nothing should be taken too seriously, it's just too stressful =p)

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
(Good one)

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'll grab ours back.
(Yeah, this is so true. We always think how bad our life sucks and how huge our problems are, until we get to glimpse what it's like to be in someone else's shoes)

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need. (We always think that the grass is always greener on the other side, we don't realize that we already have all the rivers and trees to sustain us)

42. The best is yet to come. (There is always hope)

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

46. Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.
(So true. Only when we look back in life, can we learn and understand all that has happened and how much we've grown throughout our journey!)

I found this incredibly meaningful, so I decided to share it. How often do we actually pen down and collect all the lessons life has taught us? You might be surprised on how much you've learned in your journey through life.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Mum Called...About Facebook!

I got a shock of my life this afternoon. Mum called me in the office and asked if it was convenient to talk. I wasn't that busy, so I said ok and to my horror of HORRORS, she mentioned that she FOUND ME ON FACEBOOK! Apparently, a friend of her's invited her to join Facebook through email and she just happened to find me with the search tool, I think (I don't believe I have any of her friends on my list so that must be it!). I was struck speechles after hearing her mention that, and then almost immediately, she went on about how some my pictures were inappropriate and asking MANY questions about them, how they would influence other people's opinion about me, how she disliked certain notes and comments about myself....bla bla bla. I just listened to her going on and on for a while before I kinda retorted and we had a small, rather muffled argument over my mobile, since I was still in my cube. I ended the call shortly, felt dissatisfied and then went downstairs again to give her a call and explain her doubts as best and composed as I can. I CAN get too defensive sometimes and come off too strongly about issues pertaining myself.

You see, my Facebook and blog are the last things that I ever want her to find out, since it's where I can express myself freely and it's a huge part of my personal space. Stuff that I share and reveal in both places are NOT meant for her to discover at all. This is partly because she denied accepting me twice and I don't wanna go through the entire awkward and somewhat horrific process of untimely and embarassing scrutiny, if she were to find another big hint of me being queer. Other than that, the personal stuff that I share, the social and personal interactions with my friends, my experiences and open self-expressions might not be something that she could understand, or tolerate. Admit it, how much of your own personal life are you willing to reveal to you parents, even if none of it are wrong?

Holy poop on a stick! I guess I should thank my lucky stars and whoever up there that still likes me that she DIDN'T SEE MY BLOG URL, see the groups I joined or what I'm a fan of in Facebook. Otherwise, it would definitely be another tsunami of turmoil and interrogation crashing down on me. From now on, no more revealing my personal/profile information in Facebook to everyone, only friends!

PS: When I got her call, I think I was almost a heartbeat away from having a cardiac arrest that might not have killed me, but probably would've had me bedridden after suffering enough brain damage to turn me into a vegetable.

PPS: DRAMA, I know!

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Learning To Be Happy With Myself

I've dealt with a lot of depression, self-esteem and insecurity issues in the past. Although I've managed to overcome most of it, I'm still not happy with myself. I don't wanna go through my entire life feeling unhappy, insecure or depressed about myself. After some comtemplation, I realize that a big part of it might be because I compare myself too much with other people who are much better off than me. It's good to compare with others who are better in order to improve yourself, but it can go really wrong when you begin to feel inferior, start to belittle yourself and feel bad or inadequate. Funny thing is, I never really noticed that I was doing this to myself until recently, after some thought and advice from friends. If I were to really compare, why don't I just compare myself to those who are much worse off than me? Yeah, it would make me feel better and more contented with myself and my life, but in a way, I don't feel that it's very right to make yourself feel better out of the misery of others.

Instead, I should compare with myself, by looking into the past and realize how far I've come in life. I should look into myself and my life to see if I'm better than I was yesterday. I should acknowledge my tremendous achievement in losing all that fat and getting fit. I should acknowledge how much I've improved and revamped myself physically, mentally and emotionally. I should take pride in the limits that I've broken and the hardships that I've persevered, which taught me compassion, integrity, fortitude and some valuable lessons in life, to shape me into the person that I am today.

Someone once told me that the grass always seems greener on the other side, which is quite true. But no matter how gorgeous, rich, glamourous or a person seem to be, there is always someone better. We might just be comparing endlessly. Not everyone is born with good-looks, with a silver spoon in their mouth or into a glamourous or exciting life. You can't choose where you start in the life's journey, but you can choose how you traverse and end it. My life is my own. Everyone is unique and have their own struggles and limits to overcome. It is easier to be happy and contented once I start comparing with myself, not with others.

Today, I'm fitter, stronger and smarter than before.
Today, I look better than I did way back.
Today, I'm more sociable, extroverted, positive and outgoing than before.
Today, I earn enough not to struggle financially.

Am I the best that I can be at this point in my life? I can safely say, YES!

Can I continue to improve and be better than this point in my life? It's a resounding YES!...or die trying =)

Monday, June 8, 2009

My Whole Family Thinks I'm Gay

No no...not mine but, this is a very hilarious song by Comedian Bo Burnham. Seriously, I LOL'ed so freakin' loud and hard at this. So, I'm sharing it with you guys. Lyrics included =)


Every time I go to dinner, seems like I'm gettin' a little bit thinner
I'll sit down at the breakfast table, I can talk, they're not able
but when I look at them I find there's a single question on their mind.
I wish it could go back to the way it was, it's not easy now because...

My whole family thinks I'm gay
I guess it's always been that way
maybe it's cause of the way that I walk
makes them think I like...boys...
that I like boys.

The god damn question just won't go away
and I get asked every single day!
but the way they ask it is not a disguise
like ah, "How was your day, do you like to kiss guys?"
this is the worst, baby this was my fear
now their opinions are crystal clear, because..

My whole family now is shocked
I'm in the closet and the door is locked
now my glory days are gone
I was John Elway, now I'm Elton John.

My whole family now suspects
that watching Spongebob had side effects
I'm not gay, and that's what I said
If I'm gay, Hey God! strike me dead! you know..-coughs-

Just cause I'm afraid of the snow
or my favorite color is THE RAINBOOOOWWW! heh that's just...
I don't mean to yell, but I fear I must
cause I'm loosin' the people that I thought I could trust, because..

Even my boyfriend thinks I'm gay, heh...mother fucker.

You all probably think I'm gay..
man this song is counter productive..
la la la la..because..

My whole family thinks I'm gay
what do they know anyway?
you gotta look right through the haze
Easy Bake Oven was just a phase..

My whole family thinks I'm queer
that is all I ever hear!
but I've been as straight as a ramp
if you don't count bible camp..


Friday, June 5, 2009

Falling For Someone That I Shouldn't

Recently, I've taken more notice on a friend and beginning to see him in a different light. I don't wanna reveal too much here, because he is a friend who's part of the group, and he reads my blog too. I didn't wanna mention this to any of them, because I'm not sure how they would react.

In a way, I'm slowly falling for him. Sometimes he puts on a tougher exterior and pretends like he doesn't care, but I see the sensitive, emotional and caring soul within. I see the romantic side of him, someone who wants to care and be cared for. I enjoy listening to him talk. I enjoy watching his antics and his warm smile. I like the fact that I can communicate well with him. I like the sensitive and caring side of him, as I think it compliments mine well. I like the fact that he's quite matured for his age. And all this is making him more attractive to me, even though he's already cute enough to begin with, but I didn't really pay that much attention to him since I've known him until now.

Nevertheless, I'm still apprehensive of revealing my feelings to him, or any friends within the group. I'm afraid that it might affect our friendship and turn awkward or sour if things didn't work out. I'm afraid that he won't even consider me, since there's so many better 'fishes' in the sea. I'm not sure a certain 'someone' would approve as well, so I might risk friendship with two goods friends. After all, I've always been just a friend, and he might just wanna keep it that way. And it's kinda against my judgement to say anything in the first place, so I'm pretty much on the fence.

Should I attempt to get closer to someone if it risks friendships? Should I just let him know and get it over with? Or should I just shrug it off and remain silent about it? Don't really know what to do here. I don't wanna make another mistake of getting into it too rashly. What do you think?

PS: I have a feeling that I might be expecting an interrogation session soon...

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

I Have BDD!

No, it's NOT a STD! Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD) is a psychological disorder, which I think contributes to my periodic low self-esteem and depressive episodes.

According to Mayoclinic, Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a type of chronic mental illness in which you can't stop thinking about a flaw with your appearance — a flaw either that is minor or that you imagine. But to you, your appearance seems so shameful and distressing that you don't want to be seen by anyone. Body dysmorphic disorder has sometimes been called "imagined ugliness." When you have body dysmorphic disorder, you intensely obsess over your appearance and body image, often for many hours a day. You may seek out numerous cosmetic procedures to try to "fix" your perceived flaws but never are satisfied. Body dysmorphic disorder is also known as dysmorphophobia, or the fear of having a deformity. I have a very strong feeling that I have BDD because I'm facing a lot of the symptoms and some of the complications as well.

Signs and symptoms of BDD include:
  • Preoccupation with your physical appearance (guilty!)
  • Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly (guilty!)
  • Frequently examining yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoiding mirrors altogether (guilty!)
  • Believing that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way (guilty!)
  • Frequent cosmetic procedures with little satisfaction (not yet here...PHEW!)
  • Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking (nope!)
  • Feeling extremely self-conscious (sigh...guilty!)
  • Refusing to appear in pictures (guilty!)
  • Skin picking (guilty!)
  • Comparing your appearance with that of others (guilty!)
  • Avoiding social situations (not really, I enjoy socializing, meeting new people and I talk a lot!)
  • Wearing excessive makeup or clothing to camouflage perceived flaws (nope!)
Body features you may obsess about include:
  • Nose
  • Hair
  • Skin (guilty!)
  • Moles or freckles
  • Acne and blemishes (guilty!)
  • Baldness
  • Breast size
  • Muscle size (guilty...but not so much)
  • Genitalia
The body feature you focus on may change over time. You may be so convinced about your perceived flaws that you become delusional, imagining something about your body that's not true, no matter how much someone tries to convince you otherwise.

Complications that BDD may cause or be associated with include:
  • Suicidal thoughts or behavior
  • Depression and other mood disorders (guilty!)
  • Anxiety disorders (not sure if this is the cause, as I have so many other sources of stress in life too)
  • Obsessive-compulsive disorder
  • Eating disorders
  • Social phobia
  • Substance abuse
  • Low self-esteem (guilty!)
  • Social isolation
  • Difficulty attending work or school
  • Lack of close relationships
  • Unnecessary medical procedures, especially cosmetic surgery
  • Becoming housebound
Damn, I need to do something about this. Like most of the bad things I've overcome in the past, this will be another major hurdle for me, since I've lived with it for a large part of my life. Here's what I plan to do for now:
  1. Don't think too much to avoid being self-conscious.
  2. Distract myself with something that I enjoy or elevates my mood, when negative thoughts come to mind.
  3. Get enough sleep!
  4. Gradually learn to accept myself physically. I tend to let my misguided physical perceptions hinder certain activities sometimes.