Thursday, November 27, 2008

30 More Things About ME

Having a mental block these few days, so I decided to write this instead...=P

1. I have a terrible habit of not being punctual when meeting up with friends. I think they can attest to that very much. Yes yes...I know, I need to work on that!
2. I have bad sleeping habits. Sleeping late and irregular sleeping times are affecting me lately. Shit...getting old already lah!
3. I'm somewhat of a hypochondriac.
4. I like the color red, as it signifies victory, luck and power.
5. I like the color green, as it signifies 'yes' or go ahead (think green at the traffic light), nature and peace.
6. I like the color black, as it's sleek, stylish and goes with anything.
7. I can be very fickle-minded and indecisive, thanks to genes from my mum.
8. I do bite my nails sometimes but much less now.
9. I have a small scar on my butt (won't tell you which cheek!), as a result of swinging from a large swing and getting my ass scraped on the fence when I was young. Luckily, no tetanus shot needed!
10. I love foods that makes my mouth/fart stink: durians, garlic, onions, petai etc.
11. I get annoyed sometimes when things don't go as planned, especially if I'm planning an outing. Seriously, you will see it in my face.
12. Cute animals make me all mushy.
13. I don't smoke.
14. I don't care for alcohol. I only drink slightly in during any social occasions, like during clubbing.
15. I've never done drugs.
16. I don't like being fake, what you see is what you get.
17. I don't like people who are fake.
18. I think kissing in the rain is incredibly romantic.
19. I love coffee.
20. I think I'm addicted to caffeine...
21. I am someone who emphasizes on efficiency. Redundancy and inefficiency can really drive me up the wall.
22. I like being clean, neat and tidy. I don't like feeling dirty (hygiene-wise, dunno why I needed to point that out...) or living in a dirty environment!
23. I love chocolate.
24. I'm allergic to sulfur. I'm not sure if I'm still allergic to it, since I had my last allergic reaction as a kid.
25. I'm allergic to certain types of alcohol. Can't remember which specifically (I know it wasn't beer, gin or vodka), but had some nasty rashes all over after drinking some during clubbing.
26. When watching horror movies, I shut my ears, instead of eyes. It's the sudden sounds or crashes that scare me, but I still love it!
27. I'm not afraid to cry when watching a touching movie, but I usually do it when I'm alone. I find that it's a good way to release any pent-up emotions.
28. I love the rain.
29. Aside from movies, I like watching shows on cooking, traveling, animals and cultural documentaries.
30. I'm slightly lactose intolerant. Too much dairy will have me running to the bathroom.

Monday, November 24, 2008

My Fitness Journey...and Pitfalls!

It all started in 2003, shortly after Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines showed in cinemas. I was sitting on my bed and reading the Galaxie magazine of the month. It had an article featuring how the actors got in shape to tackle their roles in the movie, particularly Arnie and Kristanna Loken. It talked about their interview and revealed some details on their training and diets to prepare themselves for the physical challenges during the movie. I remember it clearly because it became the changing point in my life. Read on...

At that time, I weighed about 93 kilos, and that was my heaviest. I was lonely, miserable, stricken by self-loathing and my self-esteem was at it lowest point. It was weird thinking back how fat I was. It was even weirder to realize how I didn't realize I was so fat at that time. I guess denial and refusing to acknowledge the root of the problem, but instead just being content with wallowing in self-pity and depression, were the culprits. Even as I gradually began to realize that my weight was a contributing factor to my emotional downfall, I did nothing about it.

After reading the article, something in me snapped. Perhaps at that time, I was at the lowest emotional point in my life. Something in me finally wanted to move. Something in me wanted CHANGE. I was tired of feeling sorry for myself. I was tired feeling helpless and completely worthless. I was FUCKING tired of complaining and doing NOTHING to improve my situation. I had decided ENOUGH was fucking ENOUGH. It's time for change. It's time I did something to save my sorry ass from plunging deeper into pitch dark pool of depression and self-pity. I was ready. I was prepared to do everything it took to lose the weight. I needed look and FEEL better. I was eager to start the journey, no matter what it took.

Then, it happened, I made my first mistake. I went on a fad diet. I went on a very low calorie, low carb diet. I would cook a can of minestrone soup, then add a packet of chicken tenders. That become my 2 meals of the day. I was lucky to be smart enough to add 4-5 pieces of fruit (apples and oranges) per day, or I would've faced a lot of vitamin and mineral deficiencies. It was incredibly tough, but I spearheaded on for almost 2 months. My fierce determination to achieve a thinner me spurred me on, regardless of how lacking in energy I felt and miserable I was. I also made my 2nd mistake. I didn't add any exercise. It didn't really occur to add muscle or do any cardio. I just wanted to get thin!

I did lose weight all right. I lost 13 kilos in those 2 months, down to 80. The thing is, the more overweight you are, the faster you lost weight. However, the faster you lose weight, the more unhealthy it is. But I didn't care. I was happy, I was proud. Friends started noticing and commenting how different I looked. Then, I made my 3rd mistake, I failed to address the reason why I became so fat in the first place. People don't gain weight and became fat or obese without a reason. The main reason for me was over-eating, either due to emotional eating and eating too much in a single meal. Whenever I went back for holidays in Penang for about 3 weeks, I began to fall back to old eating habits. I would over eat, telling myself to eat as much Penang food as possible before I got back to Malacca. As a result, I would gain 3-4 kilos during that 3 weeks alone!

Sometimes when I'm in Malacca, I would get cravings so strong, due to my low calorie diet, that I would binge on fried or junk food. You might say that I had become a victim of yo-yo dieting, where you would go on bouts of dieting and unhealthy eating which results in wild fluctuations in weight. Luckily for me, my weight fluctuations were about 3-4 kilos at that time. Even right now, I still have to watch out and not over eat sometimes.

However, I stuck to dieting and it got me down to about 71-72 kilos, but I was skinny fat. I barely had any muscle and still carried excess fat. It wasn't until I started personal training for 2 months in my Uni gym, that I began to gain some muscle and lose more fat. It was a start for me to take weight-training more seriously. I also began to read and gain knowledge on fitness, particularly on dieting, most from the internet. Then I made my 4th mistake, I would jump blindly on different diets that 'experts' or achievers recommended, instead of taking it with a grain of salt, or trying it out and monitoring the results to see if it worked me. I didn't realize that there was no single diet plan out there that works for everyone.

It wasn't until I began to realize gradually, that diets DON'T work in the long term, that I incorporated a lifestyle change. I needed to correct bad eating habits and reasons behind it as well. My workouts gradually improved and I had begun to see results. Now, I'm at 74-75 kilos, with added muscle and less fat. I'm not looking to get bulky, but I still have a little fat to lose. So basically, a lot of what I've learned and realized during these few years is through experience and trial and error. Gaining knowledge is crucial, but it's finding out what works for you and suits you best that will get you the success and results that you want.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Coming Out To My Mum

This post is inspired by Alexander and Robbie's post. Again, I've only told this to my best friends Joe and Ryan, but now I've decided to share with everyone, how it was like when I finally came out to my mum...

I remember it clearly. It was almost 2 years ago. I was sitting on front of my PC, surfing and engaging the Internet as usual. She was folding clothes and trying to get me into some light conversation. Then, her topic of chat began to drift towards girls and marriage. Here's what went on, as closely as I could remember.

Mum: Why don't you have a girlfriend yet? All of your Uni friends already had girlfriends while studying. Look at X and Y.

Me: I guess I didn't find any girls interesting.

Mum: Well, there are so many girls in your Uni. Don't tell me not even one suits you?

Me: Not interested.

Mum: How can it be? See X and Y, they've met nice girls. I'm sure you could've found one if you had looked harder then.

Me: I'm just not interested.

Mum: How come not interested? Don't tell me not even one girl in Uni caught your interest? What about at your office?

Me: Well, there are nice girls around, but I'm just not interested at the moment.

Mum: Why not interested? Are there NO girls that interests you? Or are you just NOT interested in girls?

At that point, I kept silent. I turned around, got up from front of my PC and sat on the couch right in front of her. She began to express alarm and repeated herself.

Mum: Are you not interested in girls?

It took what seemed like the longest pause in my life before I could utter a word. I was sick and tired of keeping this secret and constantly denying or avoiding the topic. She was my mum and we used to be incredibly close. It felt as if secret of who I really am, had slowly built a wall between us over the years. I no longer shared or talked about my personal matters with her. It pains me that we had drifted apart, even though I still love her very much. It was that moment, that I had decided to come clean.

Me: Nope, what if I'm not?

Mum: WHAT? You mean you like guys? You're a gay ah?

From then on, there was no turning back. Wheels in my head spun vigorously, thinking of what further reaction she might have. I had thought that was the perfect moment to tell her, since she brought up the topic herself. I thought I was ready, I guess I wasn't. She reacted like what any unsuspecting parent would. She was in a state of shock.

The few months that followed after that night were hellish for me. She didn't say a thing to my dad, because (I think) he wouldn't be able to handle it and the relationship between my parents are somewhat estranged, so she rarely speaks to him. But after the shock she had that night, she reacted like any parent would.

She began to blame herself for not raising or treating me better. It was painful to see how she treated me so well after that night, as if to make up for her lack of motherly duties, so that I would somehow 'revert' to my straight self. This was absurd, she had done her very best to make sure my sister and I had everything we needed. Luckily, this 'treatment' didn't last. Seeing her torturing herself inside was heart-wrenching.

She blamed my dad, who hadn't been a father figure to me when I was young. Somehow, she justified that due to lack of fatherly love, I had turned out this way.

She partially blamed the influence of gay friends I had now and during Uni times.

She even mildly blamed (which I DON'T KNOW why), my best friend Joe, for not behaving as masculine as a normal guy. I mean, it was getting downright ridiculous!

She would talk about how it was morally, religiously and physically wrong in nature to be gay. I hated it whenever she brought it up. We would get into arguments when it was brought it or I would just avoid it altogether.

She would tell me that I was in danger of contracting STDs and AIDS, which a load of bull. You'd catch it anyway if you were promiscous or not practicing safe sex, straight OR gay!

Basically, she was in shock and disbelief, trying to find any means to justify her denial, rather than see the truth. I guess I can't blame her. She doesn't have any gay friends, doesn't know much about gay people and issues, except all the negative stereotyping and perceptions that most of the discriminating and ignorant society had generated.

Nevertheless, those few months were miserable for me. I'd face scrutiny whenever I went out with friends, since I also told her that I had gay friends in Penang. She would question me if I spent a lot of time with a guy, even though it was just a friend. She would question my motives whenever I went travelling with friends. She would ask me to socialize with more straight people. She continued to bombard me with moral and religious obligations, possibly in an attempt to change me through guilt.

I felt like a emotional wreck. I had revealed my greatest secret, hoping she would at least try to slowly understand. Instead, she chose denial instantly and spat it back at me. There was a time when it felt so overwhelming, I remember that I drove out of the office after lunch, parked in a deserted alley and just cried my heart out. I practically wailed in the car. It really hurt.

During those few months, she had stopped talking about marriage or girls. I was hoping that she was beginning to consider the possibility of me being gay, but that was not the case. Fast forward two years later, she's still in denial and even bringing back the topic of marriage and girls again. She's treating it as if I never told her anything at all, which is her way of dealing with the 'problem', I guess. She isn't really the confrontational when it comes to dealing with problems. However, she's still wary when I go out with friends or when someone stays over my place and vice versa, although she doesn't stop me or anything.

PS: Lately, she found out that Bobo is staying over on weekends. She just met Bobo last nite, so far so good...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Happy Tree Friends!

It's been more than 5 years since I first discovered Happy Tree Friends by Mondo Media. And recently, I've found their playlist in YouTube.

Cute, cuddly and horribly wrong...yes, I love their tag line. Here are a few random clips, ENJOY!

Hello Dolly:

Water Way To Go:

The Way You Make Me Wheel:

It's A Snap:

Pop's BBQ Smoochie:

Snip Snip Hooray!:

Messed up, ain't it? But I'm lovin' it XD

Monday, November 17, 2008

My Very First Crush

Some of my friends, gay and straight have occasionally posed this question to me. How did I know I was gay? I have to admit, there were numerous times that I have been confused. Out of the conformity towards the majority in the society and the norm of straight relationships everywhere, I had come to think that all boys should be with girls at an early age. It was almost like a competition when you're young. Who had a girlfriend first or who had the prettiest etc.

Amidst the confusion, I still remember the first time I had a crush on a boy. I was 13 and so was he. Let's name him...J. We shared the same school bus together and J was my mum's friend's son. He was quite a buddy to me in the bus and was actually the first person I talked to when I first boarded that bus to my new secondary school. He warmed up to me pretty quickly when he first met me. Shortly after, I suspect that puberty begun to hit me in high gear and had my body undergoing awkward physical changes. You growing in weird places, sudden surge of testosterone giving you 'urges', constantly touching yourself (don't lie, I KNOW you did it!) and 'pitching tents' at just the sight or thought of ANYTHING...sometimes you swear the thing between your legs had a mind of its own.

J was cute and wore glasses. I thought he was way cuter when he took them off. He's also very fair, lean and had hairy legs, which for some reason, I found incredibly sexy. When puberty hit me like a speeding drunk truck driver hitting a brick wall, I began to notice things that I didn't before. I began to notice how...tight his pants were. The rate which my eyes zoomed to his lower front and back (to prevent myself from sounding like a perv, I will refrain from using crotch and ass) increased by...probably 500%. I noticed that he had a pleasant smell about him. It wasn't BO or deodorant. It was his natural male scent (yes, by saying that I'm probably becoming a girl as I'm typing this) and it was intensified when he was hot or sweaty. I know certain people have a natural scent that their body emits, and his was to me like pheromones to a fish. Sometimes I'd just stand close to get a whiff (my perv meter in your perception is probably at 80% now, right?). But I can't help it! At that age, with testosterone and other puberty-related hormones surging, your balls overpower your brains most of the time. Let's face it, your hormones kicks your brain's ass big time any time it wants to!

I would sit beside J most of the time in the bus. I would sneak a peak whenever he took off his shirt after PE (Physical Ed) class. J lived really near my place and a few times, I would just pop in for a visit, hoping he'd be shirtless (he was a coupla times XD). There were SO many times I had wished to see him in his undies! Although nothing ever happened between us and I never told him that I liked him, I still remember him well during that time, even after 15 years (yes, I'm that OLD!). Although I went to have a few more crushes, his was the most memorable. After all, he was my first crush...pity he was straight.

PS: This post was requested by a friend and fellow blogger, Calvin. Nah, as promised =P

Friday, November 14, 2008

My Boo

This is Bobo. Yes, you might, as I did, think it was only a nickname. That was until I noticed that all his family, co-workers and friends called him Bobo. I'm not sure if the name Bobo is actually written on his IC, but that's his real name to me. Of course, he has a proper Chinese name (which I won't reveal here). He also revealed that he has a Christian name; Stephen, but Bobo is still the pre-dominant first name here.

He's only 19, currently pursuing a Diploma in Business Admin, whilst working part-time at a local Cosway shop in Jelutong area, which is owned by his best friend. He has just quit his Starbucks part-time job (he was doing both previously), which I think is a good move, since the bitch of a manageress in Starbucks has continuously abused and insulted him for almost a year. So right now, as he is both studying and working at the same time, we're trying to work it out and spend time with each other.

How would I describe him so far? He's a simple guy, rather happy-go-lucky, focused and industrious when at work, responsible, emotional and sweet. Oh, and he has a smile that would melt the thickest iceberg in the North Pole. We're almost 2 weeks into it, so far things are going well =)

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Apartment Stay @ Seri Bayu

Sorry for the lack of updates this week. Photos from last week are not up yet and I HAVE GOT to get me a digital camera. We had an apartment stay at Seri Bayu apartments at Batu Ferringhi area in Penang. This was actually planned for my birthday last weekend, but postponed to this week as we couldn't get a 3 bedroom apartment. The place was alright. It was only RM 160 per night, so we won't expect a luxury apartment. However, no one brought a camera...-_-"

To top it all off, about half of those who were supposed to come decided they were too rich, bought plane tickets and sent them to us without boarding it (Fong Fei Kei!). For those who do not understand, kindly refer to a nearest Chinese friend. Instead of the 10-12 people planned, we only had 6, including my BF and I. Luckily, a couple of unexpected guests arrived to add more merriment. One of them was a friend of ours, let's call him J (I will not name here at the risk of getting beheaded should he discover I blogged about him here). The other, we suspected, was his new found beau.

EDIT: Out of request from certain parties, part of this post has been removed.

All of us had a great time. The night was riddled with laughter and fun. We plan to do it again sometime and this time, DEMAND payment first...especially from suspected rich plane boarders (again, read above and refer to nearest Chinese friend!). My dearest and I had a fabulous time on our first night out together. After all, we had our own room =)

PS: Because I'm nice, here's the definition of Fong Fei Kei:

Fong Fei Kei is a popular Cantonese catch phrase that means breaking the promise of an appointment. If directly translated to English, it means 'releasing aeroplane'.

Sunday, November 2, 2008

How We Came To Be - Part 2

Fast forward to Saturday night, I had a small birthday celebration in Coffee Bean @ Gurney (by the way, do you know they serve cooked food now? It wasn't too bad and quite affordable too). My usual gang was there, minus a few (would have some pics soon). The original plan by Janson and Wilson was to have an apartment stay. I had left the birthday planning to my friends. I hadn't felt like planning anything this year and wasn't much in the mood earlier. Anyways, apartment stay is postponed to this coming weekend (yeah, promise some pics for that too!).

After the mini party, we both headed down to the same beach again. We took at casual stroll towards the end of the beach, occasionally giving each other a hug from behind and walking hand in hand. Then, we snuck back to the spot where we were yesterday. As he lay on my lap again, I leaned down to pop the question.

"So, are we attached?"

He looks up and smiled, and said,"Well, what do you think? I'm already so close to you.."

"Well, I'm not sure, since you told me that you might not be ready yet. So, are we attached?", I repeated.

He smiles and seals it with a kiss.

" I take it as a yes."

I had hoped that I would find someone special to spend my birthday with and my wish came true. I had found myself a boyfriend, and on my birthday too! As you can tell, it IS the best birthday gift I'd gotten =)

I will probably blog about him more in the coming days. I need his consent first before I start posting more stuff about him. I hope that it will work out well between us. We're fresh and still have a lot to discover about each other. Wish me luck! XD

Saturday, November 1, 2008

How We Came To Be - Part 1

Warning: Another VERY long post, which I felt inclined to write, as a sweet remembrance.

It was someone that I had randomly messaged on G4M a little more than 2 weeks ago. Someone whom I thought was cute. Expectations weren't high that he would respond, but he did. We ended up chatting on MSN and exchanged numbers. In the last 2 weeks, we've been texting and calling each other. Finally, we decided to meet up last Friday.

He has very a busy schedule and works hard for someone so young. He's only 19, has to attend class every weekday morning till noon, then has to handle two part-time jobs back to back almost daily, up till late at night. So, I understood that he could only meet me later at night. We decided to meet at McDonald's in Green Lane, after he got off work at around 10:30 pm. I arrived around 10:20 pm and waited around, listening to MP3s on my cellphone. It was almost 11 and he still wasn't there. I bumped into a friend of mine and his BF, who were both studying upstairs (it's a double storey McD outlet). After passing some time chatting with both of them upstairs, it was already 11:40 pm and I was getting restless and slightly frustrated. It also didn't help when I called him after I had arrived at McD's, only to let him abruptly cut me off as he was busy.

Just as I was abandoning all hopes that something good would come out of that night, he called and told me that he'd be arriving soon, apologizing for the long wait in the process. I told him how long I had waited, and was actually upstairs with some friends. He suggested that maybe we should meet another time, since he wasn't that properly dressed and had just got recovered from a cold earlier that day. But I insisted, since I had already there and had waited almost an hour and half. So, I promptly went downstairs looking for him and found a slightly shorter guy, who wore a cute pair of glasses and turned to smile at me. I didn't immediately recognize him, but went over to talk to him. I found a place to sit while he got some food. Poor lad was hungry coz he hasn't eaten since lunch.

Amidst him munching down his dinner/supper, we talked casually about each other, like how we do on the phone. Only now, it was more lively since we were face to face. He apologized about how he was eating, since he was so hungry. I found it slightly amusing and adorable, the rather crude manner he was noshing down the food, like half child and half starving. After a while, he complained of being cold so we moved outside. I got some coffee while we sat outside. He had 2 smokes while we were outside, which I slightly disapproved of. Someone so young shouldn't start ruining his lungs. He told me that was his last pack. (By the way, McD's 'premium roast coffee' tastes like watered down expresso that's bland without any aroma. Stay AWAY from it unless you need caffeine to save your life!).

Later on, he wanted us to move elsewhere. It was about almost 1 am when we left McD's, I wasn't sure. I was undecided on where to go, so we ended up driving around town for almost 20 minutes. It was a relaxing night drive for me. During the drive, we talked about anything and everything. He would laugh adorably when something was funny. He would look slightly troubled when he thought of work. But overall, I felt comfortable around him. I didn't feel awkward or distant. It was as if, he was an everyday friend that I met all the time. I did notice some subtle but detectable signs in his body language. In a way, I felt as if he was trying to get close, but hesitated and unsure. Or perhaps it was just me?

After a short while, he decided that we should go to the beach. He then directed me to his favorite spot, somewhere in the Tanjung Tokong area. The place was right beside the Tanjung Bungah hotel, and it was apparently a public beach spot for fishing as well. When we arrived, we sat on the walls that were erected to protect the houses by the beach from soil or sand erosion. We talked a bit more as we gazed into the almost starless night. Not a hint of breeze was felt, yet it didn't feel warm at all. The gentle splashes from the sea beating onto the beach filled the night. It felt calm and serene. I thought I saw a lighthouse flashing the distance in front of us, as we faced the sea, but he told me it was probably a ship.

As we talked, sitting side by side, he would occasionally throw a smile as he looked at me. The signs from his body language were still subtle but getting a bit stronger. I still felt that it was just me. As the night progressed, he sat with his back facing me, just occasionally glancing back to smile as we talked, though we weren't talking as much but rather, enjoyed the peace of the night by the sea.

Suddenly, he leaned backwards, lay on his head on my left lap and clasped my left arm with both of his hands onto his chest. As he lay there with his eyes closed, I gently stroke his hair and ear with my right hand. As he held me closer to feel more snug, I could hear the rustling of the stones and bottles on the beach, as small beach crabs scampered to find morsels of food. The echoing splashes of the sea felt closer and the night was still. It's been so long since I felt the closeness of a cuddle and this felt incredibly romantic to me. It was something I had never expected to experience that night. It was one of those perfect moments that we hear about, and it was a moment I never want to forget.

After about an hour, both of us got up and briefly walked further down the beach and back, hand in hand. I told him I wanted him to attend my birthday gathering on Saturday night, and he agreed on condition that he would only want to sit next to me.