Sunday, April 24, 2011

Strangers, Again

I never thought that my last post here would end up this way. I planned for something else but I guess that won't do for now. I found something better to talk about our relationship and I must thank Wong Fu Production for such video because the date of the video which was uploaded was the same as the day we broke up, 20th of April, 2011. It could never be a better coincidence as this and in a way, I think of this short movie as a gift.

While the relationship between Josh and Marissa started with a shoelace, mine started with Shawnie Prawnie. I still remember the day when Shawnie gor opened my eyes to the world where being gay is not all about sex. IF I had not met Shawn, my world would have been full of darkness as in I would have had wild sex and not aware of the dangerousity of STDs. Back then, I was so broken with most of all my previous relationships that I could not think straight. Futhermore, I was convinced by a few of my bad friends (who introduced to me those harmful chemicals/substances which makes sex more "fun") to think that gays is all about sex and told me that there will be no love in our world.

Thankfully, such influence only lasts about 1 week (even then, the damage had been done but only once). One day, I was actively searching for partymates in some social sites and I came through a profile which I thought "Hhmm...this guy is not bad looking and he seems clever from what he wrote. I shall rant to him about my ex-es and see if I can con him to bed with me (joking)". That guy is of course none other than my Shawnie Prawnie ah gor. I really appreciate the fact that he brought me out to meet such nice people and most of all, I really really really must thank him for bringing me such a wonderful husband that I will never ever have again in my life.

It was during CNY on Feb 2010 and Shawnie dragged me along to Chin Bee Tea Shop to meet up with others, which, I reluctantly joined as I'm very very very shy. I didnt notice lou gong much that time as I thought he was occupied with that Brazillian whom I still refuse to mention. I did glance over at lou gong a few times and "slurp slurp...mmmm.... How sad he's attached". ANYWAY, Im not gonna rewrite things Mark has written in the past so, long story short, we went to the dating stage not long after Chin Bee Tea Shop.

Dating stage went by and we declared ourselves as couple at 3rd of March. (NOTE: I just realized he declared us as couple a day earlier than what it was supposed to be). Pasts experiences came back to haunt me even though we're officially attached. I am more cautious and tend to keep some feelings to myself so somehow, that acted as a barrier for a moment. I told him about this phobia and somehow, he reassured me with his words.

You know, he ALWAYS have this effect on me where I'm just lost for words, unable to think properly when he is around. He is also the first person ever I feel safe with. I am very afraid of the dark and when he is with me, somehow, I'm sure that everything would be alright. His mere presence never fail to made me thinks so and it still goes on until now. I used to fail to say what I had wanted to say when we are having serious conversations. Not because I don't know how but I am just stunned. To me, whenever he is around, nothing else matters not even the talks, nor my emoness. This is how comfortable I am with him but even then, sometimes, the talks must go on so I actually tried to write down what I wanted to say in paper but end up, I could not elaborate what I wanted to say. I just simply, read what I wrote in a paper and that's it (which is totally dumb).

We have had happy moments like how we spent our first year anniversary celebration on a weekend getaway and some sad moments like how he told me he is not sure whether he still loves me. Some angry moments like how we could not agree on a certain issue to some romantic moments like how we hug each other tightly and kiss passionately. All in all, we are a healthy normal couple. He have had his bad times and I will try my best to be there for him just like how he did the same thing to me. This is one of the sweetest things someone had ever done to me. He will always be there for me when I really really needed him.

Nevertheless, things had taken a change towards the end of the relationship. I had noticed a few things after we had our first talk about him losing his feelings. He never asked me if I love him anymore neither did he says "I love you" anymore when I asked him but still, I refuse to let go. When we kissed, I didnt feel the "fire" in him anymore and the kiss from him more like an obligation as a spouse rather than he wanted to. Our bedtime moments had been short lived too and somehow I can see that he could not reach climate by looking at me. Still, I refuse to let go. One of the reasons is because I don't want to lose someone again. I am tired in some way and he IS the best among all the others I had been with.

So, in a way, suffice to say that I am hiding myself from the fact that his love on me is not as strong and as passionate as it used to be. As a result, I forged on and improvise according to the situation. He do not spend as much time with me as we used to be and I am alright with it now because I am trying to salvage our relationship any way I can. Which is wrong. I became unhappy most of the time with the relationship, stressed out, complain, complain and complain. Nearly every single weekend for the past few weekends, we have had arguments. I can say that everytime, I was the one who was unhappy. Now that we've broken up, I realized why. It's because I was unwilling to let go, avoiding the truth and trying my best to salvage the relationship in any single way I can.

You know, we were both very happy during the weekend getaway. Somehow, I can feel his love once again that weekend. This makes me thinks that he do not love me as much anymore might be because he was trying to juggle between his work, his family, his commitments, his business and me. That's a whole load of weight on his shoulder. That is why I had decided to just go on with whatever he can offer to me but I guess I could not do it.

Nevertheless, on the last day of our relationship, I was really proud of myself not because of we broke up but because I faced the reality. This is the third time we had this talked and when he said "Can't you just let me go because I wanted to?", I am just speechless and with that, I do not need to find anymore excuses on why he wanted to break up with me because that is a statement which I cannot argue on.

Have you ever feel that you wanted to speak but your voice failed you? That is exactly what happened to me. My mind was screaming "NO" but my heart tells me that if I really love him, I must let him go. I manage to gather my courage after a few minutes and say "Yes, I will let you go" even though my mind was screaming the word "NO" again and again. I know I will not have any regrets saying those words because this is what he really wanted and that reason alone is enough for me to make my decision.

At the moment of writing, I am crying but not much and this is not tears of sadness but it's tears of joy. This experience showed that how much I have grown up, how much I really loved a person and how wonderful my relationship had been. It's perfect and I could not ask for a better one. He will always be perfect to me and so will this relationship. I will miss him as my lou gong and I just hope that somehow, anyhow, as little as the chance might be, for me to be his zaizai and for him to hold me dearly in his arms again. Last but not least, for me to love him as his spouse again.

Marky Mark, you will always be my one and only lou gong and even if somehow I did found another person, he will never ever be called lou gong as in my heart, I only have one.

The other day, when I was in your place taking a nap, I dreamed that you came to me, hugged me and you called yourself lou gong when you talk to me. How I wish that was true. I love you Marky Mark. I think I will stop here now because I am not thinking straight anymore right now.

To you readers, I am sorry for the grammar mistakes and my jumbled up words. I am not a good writer even though I wanted to be and I know this is one long stupid post.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Broke Up

We broke up last night. We said our goodbyes, amidst muffled sobs, as we held each other tightly before he left, at a quarter past midnight. I was determined not to cry, but when William tearfully muttered "Goodbye, lou gong" in my arms, I burst into tears as well. We've been together for more than a year, and we shared so many fond memories with each other. We're still good friends and I'm still here for him, and I know that William still loves me very, very much.

In my current circumstances, I just didn't have much time to spend with him, and give him the company and attention that he needs. I have a lot more commitments in my life right now, be it from the job, business and/or family. Even so, every time I wanted to go out, especially during weekends, we would be out together. But now, our outings and personal time together have been scarce. How I wished that life was simpler like few years ago, when I had at lot less to worry about and just enjoyed life a lot more, but life doesn't stay that way forever. The lack of time was really taking a toll on us, especially William.

The deepest thorn in our relationship was that my feelings for him have diminished. I felt that I no longer loved him like I used to. I'm not saying that I totally didn't neither. I still love and care for him to an extent, but not as a BF anymore. I knew this would be painful for him to hear, but I had to be honest with him. Whenever he asked if I loved him, I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I truly believe that you should only tell someone that you love them, only when you really meant it. I didn't want to lie to him and William noticed it as well. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's because of the tiredness or stress that's causing me to feel this way...

My relationship with William was the longest that I've ever had. It was also the most pleasant, loving and happy one. NO ONE has loved me more deeply and passionately as William did, which made me even more guilty when I felt that I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I couldn't give him the love, time and attention that he was meant to have. This wasn't the first time we talked about a break-up, but the third. And this time, we really went with it after really talking it through. I wasn't keen to break up with him, because I was afraid that I would have made a grave mistake. Amongst the few that I've been with, William was the best. But, I can't be in a relationship with someone that I didn't love. It would just be miserable for the both of us, and terribly unfair to him.

It was still painful in the end, and for the most part for William, although both of us cried. William is a deeply emotional person, and I can't help but want to protect him because I feel that he can be so fragile at times. However, I know he will be alright, because I also know that he is stronger than he thinks. I'm in tears as I'm writing this, in grief of letting him go. It was such a difficult decision to make, because I know how sad and painful it would be for him. I can't stand to see William cry, and I can't help but be reduced to tears as well every time he does. It just didn't feel right to go on, since I can't commit to the relationship right now nor give him the love that he so rightfully deserves.

However, a part of me still fears that I might regret this decision. Only time will tell if we eventually end up together again, or move on with our lives. Only time will tell if we were meant to be apart, or just needed a break from the relationship. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, engulfed with sadness. Even now, I'm a lot more worried and concerned about him than myself.

I will miss zai2 very much, but I'm also glad we didn't go through an ugly break-up. I'm glad that we're still good friend, and both of us need some time to heal. I know that he is still with me, and I will always fondly cherish our memories together.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

A Different End?

Ever since the movie 2012 came out, there has been a lot of annoying claims that it could come true in Dec 2012. Annoying as it were, I gotta admit that mother nature has been diligent in steering us in that direction. A devastating series of earthquakes and tsunamis have been hitting various parts of the world over recent years, killing hundreds of thousands of people.

A recent movie that came prompt me to think that perhaps our apocalyptic end might not come from the wrath of mother earth, but from beyond the skies. World Invasion: Battle Los Angelos capitalizes on UFO sightings worldwide that results in a massive alien invasion, but what if this could become a possibility?

Like the increased occurrences of natural disasters hitting the world, sightings of UFOs have increased as well.

Think about it.