After thinking about it for some time, I've come up with a list of what I look for or avoid when looking for BF, based on both preference and experience. See if you're eligible =P
I like it if:
1. You're humble and down-to-earth. It's refreshing to meet someone who doesn't have his head up in the clouds. It automatically makes me feel comfortable being around you and talking to you.
2. You're responsible. I've dealt with a lot of irresponsible people in my life. So, I don't wish to have an irresponsible BF. You'd just drive me up the wall.
3. You're honest and sincere. Both are important to create trust and keep things clear. Be honest about your likes/dislikes, your expectations, or if you think something is wrong. Constantly hiding or lying about things will just breakdown the relationship sooner or later. (Of course, I don't expect you to be so blatantly honest to the point of hurting someone's feelings.)
4. You're not afraid to be yourself. It's the real person underneath that I want to get to know and fall in love with, not some fake personality mask you put on socially to impress.
5. You can think maturely. I like a person who can think logically, sensibly and responsibly as an adult. Sure, I like to be have fun and laugh. But when there's an issue or problem, it's time to get serious. I want us to be able to discuss freely and support each other in solving problems and making decisions in the relationship. I don't want to do it alone.
6. You're good-natured. I'm comfortable and enjoy being around someone who is positive, cheerful and amicable.
7. You're easy to talk to. To me, good communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship, right up there with honesty. If I don't feel comfortable talking to you, can't seem to connect with you, can't express myself (I do this a lot) or feel that there isn't much for us to talk about, then I don't think we will go anywhere. Good communication builds chemistry, understanding and clarity in the relationship.
8. You are caring and willing to compromise. I don't care if you're richer/poorer, younger/older, top/bottom etc. The most important thing is that we know how to compromise and take care of each other EMOTIONALLY and PHYSICALLY. A relationship should held together by both sides, not just 1 person.
9. You have a great sense of humor. I like to joke around, be loud and have fun. It'd be great if you're the same =)
10. You're romantic (added advantage). I'm a hopeless romantic. I like to show my affections when we spend time together. I like to celebrate our special times and events.
11. You can speak good English (added advantage). Oklah, as a 'banana' and being a disgrace to the Chinese people, English IS my strongest language and one that I'm most comfortable with. Hence, if you can speak and understand it well, I'd definitely be interested.
Please stay away from me if:
1. You're arrogant and think that you're too good for anything. I don't care if you're bloody good-looking, extremely smart or talented, or richer than Bill Gates. I hate a stuck-up with a superiority complex who thinks he's better than everyone else.
2. You're very shallow and judgmental. I believe that EVERYONE is shallow, but the level of shallowness is a different thing. If you're so shallow and only like to judge someone based on their appearance or enjoy belittling someone based of their physical flaws, go look in a mirror first and don't bother meeting me. I don't enjoy being ignored or ridiculed behind my back.
3. You're always childish. Don't get me wrong, everyone has an inner child they wanna let out once in a while and that's perfectly fine. What blows is when you want behave childishly most of the time by being unreasonable and throwing tantrums.
4. You want your way all the time. If you think just because you're the better looking one or the more sought after one, don't bloody expect me to do all the work alone to keep the relationship afloat. Firstly, it just goes to show what you think of me. Secondly, you'd just make me feel crappy and more like a slave than a BF. Learn to compromise or take your DIVA butt else where!
5. You're bitchier than Janice Dickinson. It's fine if you're bitchy just for harmless fun and laughs. But if you're a super bitch who genuinely likes to talk bad about other people except yourself and stab people behind their backs, just.....SHOO!
6. You personify the expression 'Me, Myself and I'. Don't bother with me if you're selfish and think only about yourself. You don't need me, you can love yourself just fine.
All in all, I just wrote might seem like an interview, but I'm just setting my expectations. Don't feel intimidated lah...no one is perfect and this is just a guideline =D
Friday, February 27, 2009
Thursday, February 26, 2009
An Unexpected Dream
I slept less than 7 hours last nite, which isn't a lot considering I had a brutal lifting session late last evening. But, I woke up refreshed and well-rested this morning. Was it because the workout session made me sleep better? Or was it because I dreamt about someone? No, it wasn't my ex and no, it wasn't a wet dream. To be honest, I dreamt about someone extremely cute. He's in my Facebook list and I've known him only from my friend's list since Friendster times.
Except for the rare and short chats we have on MSN occasionally, I know almost NOTHING about him. At this point, let's refer to him as A. From his profile, I know A lives in KL and he's still in college doing mass comm. He IS very good-looking (in my opinion) and is a part-time model, I think. To be honest, I never did feel any interest to get to know A better, perhaps just as friends. Nevertheless, I do enjoy checking out his pictures on Facebook because I think he looks very cute and pleasant in his photos. Being someone as young AND good-looking as he is, I assume that he wouldn't be willing to commit to a monogamous relationship and is only interested in having fun. Of course, I'm not really doing him any justice by being judgemental without getting to know him, but those are just my assumptions anyways. However, I wouldn't blame him if it were true. He is young after all, and he should be enjoying himself. Also, come ON, he's a model and WAY out of my league. I am very much average at best.
Ok, ENOUGH babbling and on to the dream. There is nothing raunchy or dirty to tell (sorry to disappoint!) and I can only remember bits and pieces of it. Still, the emotions throughout the dream felt vivid. In the dream, both of us went out dating or just to hang out with each other, I can't tell. I distinctly remembered that we were happy. Both of us smiled and laughed a lot. We went to the beach for drinks to spend time together. There, we periodically held each other and talked, as if we were good friends or lovers. I felt the joy. I felt the closeness. I felt happy. Before too long, the bloody alarm rang and I woke up, albeit to a refreshed, contented and happy state.
From what I described, I guess that it wasn't really about A in the first place. I guess it was just me feeling lonely and wanting to be close to someone that I really like. Although I didn't know A in person, I did like looking at him, so I guess he fulfilled the 'someone-I-like' part of the dream. However, the closeness part was never something that I truly had in my previous 2 relationships. Nevertheless, the dream made me feel it for that fraction of the time. I think this is only the second or third time I've had a dream like this. Still, it felt very unexpected =)
Since I grew out of my teens, I couldn't remember what were my dreams about after I woke up. But this time, I recalled bits and pieces of it. It's as if the strong emotions during the dream bound fragments of it, and inexplicably fished it into conscious memory. Again, I have to stop babbling. I wonder if I will get to feel it again...
Except for the rare and short chats we have on MSN occasionally, I know almost NOTHING about him. At this point, let's refer to him as A. From his profile, I know A lives in KL and he's still in college doing mass comm. He IS very good-looking (in my opinion) and is a part-time model, I think. To be honest, I never did feel any interest to get to know A better, perhaps just as friends. Nevertheless, I do enjoy checking out his pictures on Facebook because I think he looks very cute and pleasant in his photos. Being someone as young AND good-looking as he is, I assume that he wouldn't be willing to commit to a monogamous relationship and is only interested in having fun. Of course, I'm not really doing him any justice by being judgemental without getting to know him, but those are just my assumptions anyways. However, I wouldn't blame him if it were true. He is young after all, and he should be enjoying himself. Also, come ON, he's a model and WAY out of my league. I am very much average at best.
Ok, ENOUGH babbling and on to the dream. There is nothing raunchy or dirty to tell (sorry to disappoint!) and I can only remember bits and pieces of it. Still, the emotions throughout the dream felt vivid. In the dream, both of us went out dating or just to hang out with each other, I can't tell. I distinctly remembered that we were happy. Both of us smiled and laughed a lot. We went to the beach for drinks to spend time together. There, we periodically held each other and talked, as if we were good friends or lovers. I felt the joy. I felt the closeness. I felt happy. Before too long, the bloody alarm rang and I woke up, albeit to a refreshed, contented and happy state.
From what I described, I guess that it wasn't really about A in the first place. I guess it was just me feeling lonely and wanting to be close to someone that I really like. Although I didn't know A in person, I did like looking at him, so I guess he fulfilled the 'someone-I-like' part of the dream. However, the closeness part was never something that I truly had in my previous 2 relationships. Nevertheless, the dream made me feel it for that fraction of the time. I think this is only the second or third time I've had a dream like this. Still, it felt very unexpected =)
Since I grew out of my teens, I couldn't remember what were my dreams about after I woke up. But this time, I recalled bits and pieces of it. It's as if the strong emotions during the dream bound fragments of it, and inexplicably fished it into conscious memory. Again, I have to stop babbling. I wonder if I will get to feel it again...
Monday, February 23, 2009
Don't Abandon Your Parents
Last week, I went for dinner with my friend P. As we headed back to the car after we were done, we saw this elderly woman, carrying a couple of bags of what seems to be junk or other stuff that she had collected. At first glance, you could tell that she was homeless. She wore dirty tattered clothes and her white hair was a mess. Her face appeared unwashed and stricken, while she muttered incoherently to herself. As we passed by, we could make out few words and presumed that she was talking to herself about her daughter.
P commented that she must have done something to be abandoned by her children. I just nodded in agreement, but at that point, I felt a sinking sorrow from within. I find it so despairing when I see old folks left to wander homeless by their family or totally abandoned by their children in old folk's homes. During my teenage years, I've had the chance to do some short charity work organized by the Interact club in school. For that event, we visited an old folk's home for a whole day. When every one of us filled the rooms to greet them, tend to them, accompany and talk with them, you can literally see the glow in their eyes. Of course, they were excited of this pleasant change in their daily mundane activities, but most importantly, they needed the company.
Sometimes, when they were faced with questions like,"Does your children come see you?", the life suddenly drains out of their eyes for a moment, sometimes making them stare afar briefly while momentarily engulfed in thought. Sometimes they would simply answer that their children were busy, while others just smiled to avoid answering it. My heart would drop when I see this happen, when a glimpse of their hidden sorrow suddenly permeates into my being through their eyes. Like it or not, whatever your reasons might be, your parents will never choose to be put in an old folk's or nursing home to live out the rest of their lives.
Unless you really have no choice due to certain medical reasons that requires special attention for them most of the time, you should visit them almost daily just to let them know that they're not forgotten. For those have the capacity to literally abandon your parents to live homeless in the streets, I have nothing to say except you will get what you deserve later on in this life, or the next.
My heart goes out to them because I always put myself in their shoes, and it's truly painful when I do. They gave you a life, gave you support and brought you up to where you are today, although not perfectly, but they did it somehow nonetheless. How lonely, painful and heart-broken they must feel when after all they've done, their children ignores them, treats them like a hindrance and ultimately abandons them to live the rest of their old age alone. It just breaks my heart. You can imagine how much I struggled to restrain myself from crying buckets in the cinema when I watched Money No Enough 2.
Sometimes there might be a lot of grievances, anguish, incongruousness and disputes between you and your parents, but ultimately, they are still your parents. While you may still have grudges, or have even come to despise them, they are still your parents. They are human after all, and capable of making mistakes along the way, whether they realize it or not. Even if you don't love them anymore, you still have the unspoken filial responsibility to at least ensure that they don't live in miserably in destitution, homelessness and total abandonment in their old age.
What I just pointed out was the worst case if the parents and children are not getting along. But what if they do and still choose to abandon their parents to nursing homes or to the streets? As I've said earlier, you WILL get your 'just reward' sooner or later.
Please DON'T abandon your parents, they gave you all the love they could give. Don't spit it back to their faces.
PS: Yes, I would've literally bawled my eyes out if I watched Money No Enough 2 alone at home. I definitely recommend it, not for the loud and funny stuff, but for the heart-wrenching 2nd half of the movie.
PPS: Have a box of tissues nearby while watching!
P commented that she must have done something to be abandoned by her children. I just nodded in agreement, but at that point, I felt a sinking sorrow from within. I find it so despairing when I see old folks left to wander homeless by their family or totally abandoned by their children in old folk's homes. During my teenage years, I've had the chance to do some short charity work organized by the Interact club in school. For that event, we visited an old folk's home for a whole day. When every one of us filled the rooms to greet them, tend to them, accompany and talk with them, you can literally see the glow in their eyes. Of course, they were excited of this pleasant change in their daily mundane activities, but most importantly, they needed the company.
Sometimes, when they were faced with questions like,"Does your children come see you?", the life suddenly drains out of their eyes for a moment, sometimes making them stare afar briefly while momentarily engulfed in thought. Sometimes they would simply answer that their children were busy, while others just smiled to avoid answering it. My heart would drop when I see this happen, when a glimpse of their hidden sorrow suddenly permeates into my being through their eyes. Like it or not, whatever your reasons might be, your parents will never choose to be put in an old folk's or nursing home to live out the rest of their lives.
Unless you really have no choice due to certain medical reasons that requires special attention for them most of the time, you should visit them almost daily just to let them know that they're not forgotten. For those have the capacity to literally abandon your parents to live homeless in the streets, I have nothing to say except you will get what you deserve later on in this life, or the next.
My heart goes out to them because I always put myself in their shoes, and it's truly painful when I do. They gave you a life, gave you support and brought you up to where you are today, although not perfectly, but they did it somehow nonetheless. How lonely, painful and heart-broken they must feel when after all they've done, their children ignores them, treats them like a hindrance and ultimately abandons them to live the rest of their old age alone. It just breaks my heart. You can imagine how much I struggled to restrain myself from crying buckets in the cinema when I watched Money No Enough 2.
Sometimes there might be a lot of grievances, anguish, incongruousness and disputes between you and your parents, but ultimately, they are still your parents. While you may still have grudges, or have even come to despise them, they are still your parents. They are human after all, and capable of making mistakes along the way, whether they realize it or not. Even if you don't love them anymore, you still have the unspoken filial responsibility to at least ensure that they don't live in miserably in destitution, homelessness and total abandonment in their old age.
What I just pointed out was the worst case if the parents and children are not getting along. But what if they do and still choose to abandon their parents to nursing homes or to the streets? As I've said earlier, you WILL get your 'just reward' sooner or later.
Please DON'T abandon your parents, they gave you all the love they could give. Don't spit it back to their faces.
PS: Yes, I would've literally bawled my eyes out if I watched Money No Enough 2 alone at home. I definitely recommend it, not for the loud and funny stuff, but for the heart-wrenching 2nd half of the movie.
PPS: Have a box of tissues nearby while watching!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Reviving The Gamer In Me
At the same time, I also played an online game named Pristontale, which originates from Korea. It was addictive and I was playing from my Uni days until I started working too. However, I abandoned it since the Malaysian Pristontale servers were always lacking updates and the latest events, as compared to other regional servers. Furthermore, there were very little quests and the skill tree had little room for variety, so there was only mindless leveling to be done which becomes boring and unappealing after some time.
During my last years in Uni, Dota appeared as the buzz on Counter-strike died down and began to reign as the most-played game in cybercafes. Somehow, I wasn't caught in the craze and addiction of it. I found it average and didn't really bother with it. I've stopped playing any PC games for more than a year, except experimenting with a free online game called Cabal for a while last year. Great graphics with lots of quests and boosting a combo system, it looked great. But it was still new so the maps were limited and so were the characters and equipments to choose from. Eventually, I got bored of it.
I absolutely love gaming so I'm getting back into it. I'm gonna start by participating in the online game that is most played around the world right now, World of Warcraft. I've been wanting to play a really good online game but felt reluctant to pay for it, which is why I tried Cabal. But now, I wouldn't mind paying a small amount for something that promises hours of fun and enjoyment (NOT sex!).
Goodbye, social life! Well...almost =P
Saturday, February 21, 2009
We Are Officially Over
After the talk on Monday, I haven't heard a peep from him. I texted him on Tuesday, saying that he has until Friday to call me and talk or we are officially off. I did this because I wanted closure. I believe leaving things hanging in a relationship is a bad idea. It should be a yes or no, so that we both can move on. But truthfully, I wasn't expecting it to happen and I was right. He doesn't bother to salvage this relationship, so I shouldn't care about it either.
I'm fine actually. I've been prepared for this since beginning of CNY when I noticed his behaviour. Honestly, I hadn't expect this relationship to last long neither, given the circumstances. I have to admit that I made the mistake of jumping into it too fast, before I really got to know him. To my dear friends and readers who sent me words of encouragement, thank you so much.
Friday is over, and so are we.
I'm fine actually. I've been prepared for this since beginning of CNY when I noticed his behaviour. Honestly, I hadn't expect this relationship to last long neither, given the circumstances. I have to admit that I made the mistake of jumping into it too fast, before I really got to know him. To my dear friends and readers who sent me words of encouragement, thank you so much.
Friday is over, and so are we.
Monday, February 16, 2009
Hanging By A Thread
He doesn't want to meet me again today. So, I called him this afternoon, while I was at work. And this was roughly how it went (translated from Hokkien):
Him: Yes, what is it?
Me: How are you? Are you feeling better? Still got fever?
Him: No, I'm fine now. Why?
Me: Did you see my sms? Let's go out for a while tonight.
Him: Ermmm...don't want. I don't want to go out tonight.
Me: But you promised yesterday to see me tonight.
Him: I don't want to go out.
Me: Is everything ok? Are you ok?
Him: I'm fine, nothing's wrong.
Me: Then, let's go out for a while lah. Just for some drinks, it will only take a while.
Him: Don't want, I don't wanna go out.
Me: But I want to see you...
Him: I don't want to go out!
Me: Why not? Is everything alright?
Him: Nothing's wrong, I just don't want to go out.
Me: If nothing is wrong, then why won't you go out?
Him: I just don't want to go out!
Me:.....*speechless*
Me: Ok then, bye.
I'm sick and tired of getting turned down, just to see him for a talk. If nothing is wrong, why won't you even see your BF? I haven't gone out with him in a month, granted that he spent a week of that time traveling to KL and Singapore with his family. Why turn me down when your own BF just wants to see you for a while with NO reason at all? It's not that I didn't know or don't want to understand if he's having a problem. BUT, if you don't give me a chance to understand and just say NO all the time, what am I supposed to do? Enough was ENOUGH! I'm just gonna do this over the phone!
So, after gym just now, I called him at around 11pm. And, it went something like this:
Him: Hello, what is it?
Me: I saw your missed call earlier, sorry I was asleep.
Him: Yes, anything?
Me: Is there anything wrong with you lately?
Him: I'm ok ah, nothing is wrong. I'm fine.
Me: Do you have anymore feelings for me?
Him: What?
Me: I feel that you don't have anymore feelings for me.
Him: Why?
Me: It's the things that you do and don't do. You rarely call me. It's always so hard to see you. I feel as if I'm not even in a relationship. I don't feel like I have a BF at all. Why don't we just be friends?
Him: What?
Me: I don't know what's going on, maybe you're not ready for a relationship or what. But as things are going on now, it's just better if we remain friends.
Him:..........
Me: Are you there?
Him: You think about it properly then come talk to me lah! *hangs up*
What the...? I haven't even finished what I wanted to say, and he hangs up on me. Either he's having a shock that we're suddenly having this conversation, or he's avoiding the confrontation. I called him back twice and texted him to call me back when he didn't pick up.
To reiterate, the reasons I'm 'questioning' this relationship are:
1. He very rarely calls me, usually only to return my call briefly. I try to call him once daily, just to talk to him briefly and find out how he's doing. Heck, even on my trip to KL, I would call. When he went to KL, not a peep. If I don't call him for a week, I doubt I will get any calls from him. I guess he doesn't think about me at all.
2. He doesn't bother to see me, even when I offered to pick him up. He has stopped working since before CNY and is free as hell. But he'd much rather spend time by himself at home and do his own thing, rather than spend some time with me. With the exception that he went on a couple of SHORT family trips and fell sick when he came back, he's been at home mostly and has no excuse not to even come out and see his own BF. And I offer to drive most of the time too. I'm NOT asking that he spends EVERY DAY with me, but is just a few days a week or just during weekends a lot to ask?
3. I really don't think he has anymore feelings for me AT ALL. I tell him that I miss him so much coz I haven't seen him for some time, but he STILL doesn't bother to see me. If you truly miss or have feelings for someone, you'd take the initiative to go see that person. He doesn't even wanna come out when I offer to drive down to see him.
4. He doesn't want to get close. It's fine if he doesn't like it when I touch him, try to hold his hand or lean close to him in public. I understand that he doesn't want people to know. But, it frustrates me when he pushes me or leans away if I do the same when we're alone in the car! Hell, lately all he does is just SIT right beside me with both his arms crossed when he's next to me in the car. When I ask him if he's angry or if something is wrong, he tells me he's fine. So, what option does that leave me? Either I disgust him or just doesn't see me as his BF at all! Forget about him coming to my place, hasn't happened for more than a month, so all closeness is out the window right now. No kisses, no cuddling, no hugs, no holding hands, NOTHING! And we're just a little more than 3 months into it...
5. This relationship is just one-sided. I'm the only one doing everything and attempting to hold this relationship together. I initiate everything and do everything for him. If he needs me for something, only then he will take the initiative. I don't mind doing a lot of things for someone I love, but till now I don't see any reciprocity or compromise at all. It just shows that he doesn't bother or care about me at all.
6. He wants his way all the time and just does whatever he wants. If I happen to do something or talk to someone he dislikes, he will just not speak to me or throw a tantrum. Sometimes I feel as if I'm babysitting, rather than having a BF. I can't be in a relationship where I'm afraid of making him angry all the time, it's not healthy.
7. Sex is non-existant (to my good but somewhat bitchy friends, STOP GIGGLING!). The reason I put this last is because I don't emphasize much on sex in a relationship. I think love, closeness and trust is more important than anything else. However, sex is somewhat important (I'd be lying if I said it's not) and it's just not there. I'm not saying that we should hump like rabbits trying to re-populate the field, but occasional sex does bring us closer together. I can throw that out the window too.
SO, that about sums it up. If he's having problems, he's not giving me any chance to understand it. If he thinks I'm causing problems, he hasn't bothered to say anything. If he's not aware that there are problems in this relationship, that's his problem. It's not like I didn't try to talk to him. I'm giving him a few days to call me back and talk about it. If he chooses to avoid me or won't bother, then we're officially off!
Him: Yes, what is it?
Me: How are you? Are you feeling better? Still got fever?
Him: No, I'm fine now. Why?
Me: Did you see my sms? Let's go out for a while tonight.
Him: Ermmm...don't want. I don't want to go out tonight.
Me: But you promised yesterday to see me tonight.
Him: I don't want to go out.
Me: Is everything ok? Are you ok?
Him: I'm fine, nothing's wrong.
Me: Then, let's go out for a while lah. Just for some drinks, it will only take a while.
Him: Don't want, I don't wanna go out.
Me: But I want to see you...
Him: I don't want to go out!
Me: Why not? Is everything alright?
Him: Nothing's wrong, I just don't want to go out.
Me: If nothing is wrong, then why won't you go out?
Him: I just don't want to go out!
Me:.....*speechless*
Me: Ok then, bye.
I'm sick and tired of getting turned down, just to see him for a talk. If nothing is wrong, why won't you even see your BF? I haven't gone out with him in a month, granted that he spent a week of that time traveling to KL and Singapore with his family. Why turn me down when your own BF just wants to see you for a while with NO reason at all? It's not that I didn't know or don't want to understand if he's having a problem. BUT, if you don't give me a chance to understand and just say NO all the time, what am I supposed to do? Enough was ENOUGH! I'm just gonna do this over the phone!
So, after gym just now, I called him at around 11pm. And, it went something like this:
Him: Hello, what is it?
Me: I saw your missed call earlier, sorry I was asleep.
Him: Yes, anything?
Me: Is there anything wrong with you lately?
Him: I'm ok ah, nothing is wrong. I'm fine.
Me: Do you have anymore feelings for me?
Him: What?
Me: I feel that you don't have anymore feelings for me.
Him: Why?
Me: It's the things that you do and don't do. You rarely call me. It's always so hard to see you. I feel as if I'm not even in a relationship. I don't feel like I have a BF at all. Why don't we just be friends?
Him: What?
Me: I don't know what's going on, maybe you're not ready for a relationship or what. But as things are going on now, it's just better if we remain friends.
Him:..........
Me: Are you there?
Him: You think about it properly then come talk to me lah! *hangs up*
What the...? I haven't even finished what I wanted to say, and he hangs up on me. Either he's having a shock that we're suddenly having this conversation, or he's avoiding the confrontation. I called him back twice and texted him to call me back when he didn't pick up.
To reiterate, the reasons I'm 'questioning' this relationship are:
1. He very rarely calls me, usually only to return my call briefly. I try to call him once daily, just to talk to him briefly and find out how he's doing. Heck, even on my trip to KL, I would call. When he went to KL, not a peep. If I don't call him for a week, I doubt I will get any calls from him. I guess he doesn't think about me at all.
2. He doesn't bother to see me, even when I offered to pick him up. He has stopped working since before CNY and is free as hell. But he'd much rather spend time by himself at home and do his own thing, rather than spend some time with me. With the exception that he went on a couple of SHORT family trips and fell sick when he came back, he's been at home mostly and has no excuse not to even come out and see his own BF. And I offer to drive most of the time too. I'm NOT asking that he spends EVERY DAY with me, but is just a few days a week or just during weekends a lot to ask?
3. I really don't think he has anymore feelings for me AT ALL. I tell him that I miss him so much coz I haven't seen him for some time, but he STILL doesn't bother to see me. If you truly miss or have feelings for someone, you'd take the initiative to go see that person. He doesn't even wanna come out when I offer to drive down to see him.
4. He doesn't want to get close. It's fine if he doesn't like it when I touch him, try to hold his hand or lean close to him in public. I understand that he doesn't want people to know. But, it frustrates me when he pushes me or leans away if I do the same when we're alone in the car! Hell, lately all he does is just SIT right beside me with both his arms crossed when he's next to me in the car. When I ask him if he's angry or if something is wrong, he tells me he's fine. So, what option does that leave me? Either I disgust him or just doesn't see me as his BF at all! Forget about him coming to my place, hasn't happened for more than a month, so all closeness is out the window right now. No kisses, no cuddling, no hugs, no holding hands, NOTHING! And we're just a little more than 3 months into it...
5. This relationship is just one-sided. I'm the only one doing everything and attempting to hold this relationship together. I initiate everything and do everything for him. If he needs me for something, only then he will take the initiative. I don't mind doing a lot of things for someone I love, but till now I don't see any reciprocity or compromise at all. It just shows that he doesn't bother or care about me at all.
6. He wants his way all the time and just does whatever he wants. If I happen to do something or talk to someone he dislikes, he will just not speak to me or throw a tantrum. Sometimes I feel as if I'm babysitting, rather than having a BF. I can't be in a relationship where I'm afraid of making him angry all the time, it's not healthy.
7. Sex is non-existant (to my good but somewhat bitchy friends, STOP GIGGLING!). The reason I put this last is because I don't emphasize much on sex in a relationship. I think love, closeness and trust is more important than anything else. However, sex is somewhat important (I'd be lying if I said it's not) and it's just not there. I'm not saying that we should hump like rabbits trying to re-populate the field, but occasional sex does bring us closer together. I can throw that out the window too.
SO, that about sums it up. If he's having problems, he's not giving me any chance to understand it. If he thinks I'm causing problems, he hasn't bothered to say anything. If he's not aware that there are problems in this relationship, that's his problem. It's not like I didn't try to talk to him. I'm giving him a few days to call me back and talk about it. If he chooses to avoid me or won't bother, then we're officially off!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
He's Sick
I drove to see him just now, although only a brief meeting. The last time I saw him was on the first day of CNY. Since he came back from Singapore last Sunday, he was sick. He got better yesterday, but ate something he shouldn't for dinner, so his fever returned with a vengeance today. He looked cute in his white sweater, as he came down to see me. He was sweating and felt very hot when I touched his forehead.
I just went briefly to collect something from him, and his mum was taking him to see the doctor again anyways. Now that he's sick, I didn't have the heart to sit him down and have the talk that we needed. Valentine's day is just 2 days away, and I'm kinda on the fence of what to do. If the talk ended up in us breaking up, wouldn't it be disasterous if it were on Valentine's day and he's sick as well? I don't wanna kick him while he's down. I'll wait for him to get better before I begin to question our relationship...
I just went briefly to collect something from him, and his mum was taking him to see the doctor again anyways. Now that he's sick, I didn't have the heart to sit him down and have the talk that we needed. Valentine's day is just 2 days away, and I'm kinda on the fence of what to do. If the talk ended up in us breaking up, wouldn't it be disasterous if it were on Valentine's day and he's sick as well? I don't wanna kick him while he's down. I'll wait for him to get better before I begin to question our relationship...
Sunday, February 8, 2009
About I'm Sorry...
When I wrote the I'm Sorry post, I didn't mean to actually feel sorry for myself. I received some nice, supportive comments and I thank you all for it. My real 'hidden' agenda was to point out that people are always talking about you behind your back, either good or bad. You can't say you don't do it, coz you'd just be a hypocrite. Be it your best friend, your family members, your closest siblings and even your spouse, they ALL talk about you behind your back. This is something beyond our control and we just have to accept that simple fact.
Sometimes, you might just catch a hold of the grapevine and hear some of those things. You might hear it from a concerned friend, family member, colleaguesor your hobby of eavesdropping and gossiping etc. If it's good, you'd be smiling ear to ear. If it's bad, then it could ruin the moment and even your day. This post is not to touch on the good stuff, but what happens when invisible, verbal knives are being flung at you from behind.
Whatever it is, bad stuff about yourself isn't nice to hear. Those of who are confident enough or know that it's not true, will just shrug it off. Sometimes, the indirect verbal assaults can hit a sensitive spot, or re-open fresh wounds from the past. Recently, that has happened to me. Well, not all of what I wrote about, just some of it. Worst of all, it hit me deeply enough because it was something that I feared to be true and evidently, it is. This happened to me both when I was with my first ex, and now with Bobo.
I KNOW I shouldn't pay any attention to what others think, but I felt that this pierced me deeply because, somehow I believed it myself. If you've read about me in this blog, you'd know that I was (still am) someone who is self-conscious about my face and skin. It can boggle your mind, how something as simple as having bad, acne-ridden skin, can affect your ego and personal life.
I know what some of you might be thinking,"It'll only affect you if you let it".
Yes, that is true, but usually it's spoken to me by someone who seldom or rarely has zits. And even if they did, they've have only a small few that made no impact to their skin. Otherwise, they'd have nice smooth faces that would look good any time. Someone who hasn't suffered chronic acne outbreaks in their lives cannot possibly understand the deep lashes it can afflict on your self-esteem. Please, don't even pretend to understand, because you don't...you just don't.
By now, some of you would be thinking,"Oh gawd, Mark's whining about his damn face again...".
Well, actually I'm not. I just want to point out how hurtful it can be, when people that your BF knows, mention to him about how bad-looking you are. Yes, I heard this from both my ex and Bobo's mouth. In fact, a good girl friend of my ex actually said to my face, on the 1st time we met, about how much less cuter than my ex described. Don't know what garbage he fed her about my looks. Nevertheless, I was stumped and speechless, but just kept smiling. Even my ex's family talked about his new bad-looking BF, and they don't even know me!
When I got together with Bobo, his close friends (who're much older than him) asked why did he choose an ugly BF this time. Even his sister commented about how bad I looked. I mean, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I thought I just had it in my head that I didn't look good. I guess I must be involuntarily telepathic and projecting my own thoughts unconsciously, since they're saying the exact same thing.
I know I shouldn't let this affect me so much, but when you constantly get shot down for something beyond your control but has affected you badly throughout your life, it does 'wonders' to your self esteem! It's literally bitch-slapping my ego, kicking it the groin, pummelling it to death with a dead puppy and then bitch-slapping it's cold dead face somemore, until it's eyes pop out!
So that's why I wrote I'm Sorry, to sarcastically negate any bad comments or remarks made behind my back or used to judge me, when they don't even know me in person. I know people have said things about other aspects of my life, without bothering to know the reasons behind them. So there you go, I wanted to give you a simple explanation, but the over-active 'nightbird' in me just went on and on!
PS: No puppies died during this post.It was already dead when I got it...
Sometimes, you might just catch a hold of the grapevine and hear some of those things. You might hear it from a concerned friend, family member, colleagues
Whatever it is, bad stuff about yourself isn't nice to hear. Those of who are confident enough or know that it's not true, will just shrug it off. Sometimes, the indirect verbal assaults can hit a sensitive spot, or re-open fresh wounds from the past. Recently, that has happened to me. Well, not all of what I wrote about, just some of it. Worst of all, it hit me deeply enough because it was something that I feared to be true and evidently, it is. This happened to me both when I was with my first ex, and now with Bobo.
I KNOW I shouldn't pay any attention to what others think, but I felt that this pierced me deeply because, somehow I believed it myself. If you've read about me in this blog, you'd know that I was (still am) someone who is self-conscious about my face and skin. It can boggle your mind, how something as simple as having bad, acne-ridden skin, can affect your ego and personal life.
I know what some of you might be thinking,"It'll only affect you if you let it".
Yes, that is true, but usually it's spoken to me by someone who seldom or rarely has zits. And even if they did, they've have only a small few that made no impact to their skin. Otherwise, they'd have nice smooth faces that would look good any time. Someone who hasn't suffered chronic acne outbreaks in their lives cannot possibly understand the deep lashes it can afflict on your self-esteem. Please, don't even pretend to understand, because you don't...you just don't.
By now, some of you would be thinking,"Oh gawd, Mark's whining about his damn face again...".
Well, actually I'm not. I just want to point out how hurtful it can be, when people that your BF knows, mention to him about how bad-looking you are. Yes, I heard this from both my ex and Bobo's mouth. In fact, a good girl friend of my ex actually said to my face, on the 1st time we met, about how much less cuter than my ex described. Don't know what garbage he fed her about my looks. Nevertheless, I was stumped and speechless, but just kept smiling. Even my ex's family talked about his new bad-looking BF, and they don't even know me!
When I got together with Bobo, his close friends (who're much older than him) asked why did he choose an ugly BF this time. Even his sister commented about how bad I looked. I mean, what the hell did I do to deserve this? I thought I just had it in my head that I didn't look good. I guess I must be involuntarily telepathic and projecting my own thoughts unconsciously, since they're saying the exact same thing.
I know I shouldn't let this affect me so much, but when you constantly get shot down for something beyond your control but has affected you badly throughout your life, it does 'wonders' to your self esteem! It's literally bitch-slapping my ego, kicking it the groin, pummelling it to death with a dead puppy and then bitch-slapping it's cold dead face somemore, until it's eyes pop out!
So that's why I wrote I'm Sorry, to sarcastically negate any bad comments or remarks made behind my back or used to judge me, when they don't even know me in person. I know people have said things about other aspects of my life, without bothering to know the reasons behind them. So there you go, I wanted to give you a simple explanation, but the over-active 'nightbird' in me just went on and on!
PS: No puppies died during this post.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Did You Know?
Some very cool and interesting facts about technology and the world today, and what lies in store for the future (turn on your sound):
Behold the power of Facebook at 2:53!
Behold the power of Facebook at 2:53!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Dying Flames?
Lately, he hasn't been calling me. Mostly, it's me who's calling him. Even if he's afraid of expensive phone bills, I told him before that he can just miss call me and I'll return the call if he wants to talk to me, so that's out of the question. I won't blame him if he's busy with his relatives during CNY and can't meet up with me, but at least I'd expect a or two call just to hear each other's voice. I still call him every day, despite being unable to see him. I miss him so much but I'm beginning to wonder if he's thinking about me too.
He doesn't like any display of affection in public, even the slightest bit. I can't sneak up and touch his hand or lean too close to him. I understand that he doesn't like it and is afraid of people staring or finding out. Even when we both go out and are alone in the car, he doesn't show any affections and even appear cold sometimes. It's just like another friend sitting next to me in the front passenger seat. Now, I understand about the public display of affections thing. Most gay people or couples just wanna behave like normal in public, since we're not exactly living in the promised land of gay tolerance here, so I won't attempt to change that. Plus, he's also staying with his family, so I can't just pop in for a visit any time I want and definitely can't count on any private time there. So, THE ONLY TIME I get to be close to him is when we're back at my place, which is RARELY. He's only been here a few times since we got attached.
When I'm in a relationship, I love to shower my BF with kisses or hugs for no reason at all. I like to cuddle. I like to hold his hand. I love to feel him close to me. I'd loved it even more if he returned all of those. It just shows how much he feels about me too. I like to hear from him, asking me how my day was or even if we're both just talking crap. It just shows that he's thinking of me too. Yes, I even like those mushy mushy, super lovey dovey, can-give-you-goosebumps text messages every now and then. When Bobo called me lo gong for the first time in an email, it just melted me. But I'm not getting any of that anymore.
It's just a few months into the relationship, the flames should still be going strong. We should still be doing all those things and practically all over each other, but we're not. Maybe he's not the type of person who likes those things. Maybe he's just concerned with his own affairs right now. I don't have a clue, but I can't help thinking that the flame has died, and all TOO soon. I'm almost always there for him...but I can't help feeling that it's one-sided right now. I feel that he doesn't need me as much as I need him. Perhaps he's just more independent than I am, in a relationship. Perhaps he doesn't need me at all...I don't know.
I'm in a relationship, but it feels as if I'm still single. I'm feeling lonely and kinda sad right now. It's been a week since I've seen him. I just want to spend more PRIVATE time with him and draw us both closer to each other. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. Both parties in a relationship need to contribute to keep it alive. If your lover doesn't bother to call, text or even try to see you or get close to you, how would you feel? Or am I just over-reacting?
I think we both need to talk...
He doesn't like any display of affection in public, even the slightest bit. I can't sneak up and touch his hand or lean too close to him. I understand that he doesn't like it and is afraid of people staring or finding out. Even when we both go out and are alone in the car, he doesn't show any affections and even appear cold sometimes. It's just like another friend sitting next to me in the front passenger seat. Now, I understand about the public display of affections thing. Most gay people or couples just wanna behave like normal in public, since we're not exactly living in the promised land of gay tolerance here, so I won't attempt to change that. Plus, he's also staying with his family, so I can't just pop in for a visit any time I want and definitely can't count on any private time there. So, THE ONLY TIME I get to be close to him is when we're back at my place, which is RARELY. He's only been here a few times since we got attached.
When I'm in a relationship, I love to shower my BF with kisses or hugs for no reason at all. I like to cuddle. I like to hold his hand. I love to feel him close to me. I'd loved it even more if he returned all of those. It just shows how much he feels about me too. I like to hear from him, asking me how my day was or even if we're both just talking crap. It just shows that he's thinking of me too. Yes, I even like those mushy mushy, super lovey dovey, can-give-you-goosebumps text messages every now and then. When Bobo called me lo gong for the first time in an email, it just melted me. But I'm not getting any of that anymore.
It's just a few months into the relationship, the flames should still be going strong. We should still be doing all those things and practically all over each other, but we're not. Maybe he's not the type of person who likes those things. Maybe he's just concerned with his own affairs right now. I don't have a clue, but I can't help thinking that the flame has died, and all TOO soon. I'm almost always there for him...but I can't help feeling that it's one-sided right now. I feel that he doesn't need me as much as I need him. Perhaps he's just more independent than I am, in a relationship. Perhaps he doesn't need me at all...I don't know.
I'm in a relationship, but it feels as if I'm still single. I'm feeling lonely and kinda sad right now. It's been a week since I've seen him. I just want to spend more PRIVATE time with him and draw us both closer to each other. I don't want to be in a one-sided relationship. Both parties in a relationship need to contribute to keep it alive. If your lover doesn't bother to call, text or even try to see you or get close to you, how would you feel? Or am I just over-reacting?
I think we both need to talk...
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