Wednesday, July 1, 2009

My Biggest Regret

My biggest regret in life is not taking charge and turning my life around earlier in my youth. During my late teens and early 20s, when I suffered really bad acne problems and started gaining weight due psychological and emotional problems, I didn't do anything to reverse or fight it. Instead, I continued to let myself slip further into my problems. Either I was lazy, didn't believe in myself or just didn't care because I was depressed about it, or all of the above. As a result, I missed out on more than half of my youth, not fully coming out into the gay world and living my life to the fullest. When all my peers were out and about, dating or getting attached, I was still stuck in my own world, not wanting to emerge because I was fugly and fat. If I had done something earlier, my face wouldn't have suffered irrepairable damage from acne scars now and perhaps, I would've had more chances of finding love at a younger age.

I fully came out in the gay scene only when I was 26, after I had lost a lot of weight and my appearance improved a little. Yes, this does draw some laughs or disbelief when I tell gay people that I came out at 26, but I only have myself to blame for not addressing my problems and fixing them when they first came up. Some will tell me that it is not too late and the most important thing is that I did something about it and I'm so much better now, but there is still much guilt and regret lingering within. Now that I'm pushing 29 soon, I feel kinda sad for wasting a large part of my youth, and I can't blame anyone but myself. After all, my life is my own and it's my own responsibility to make the best of it. Looking at my younger friends and how colorful their lives are, sometimes I get envious and get hit with an overwhelming sense of regret. How I wished I had came out sooner. How I wished I had done something about my problems instead of feeling all shitty and complacent about it in the past.

But what's done is done, there is nothing I can do to turn back time. The reason I'm writing this post is to acknowledge my own guilt and regret, so that I can leave them behind. Time waits for no man and is a one way road. I've reminisced with regret on the roads I didn't take, traveled with guilt on the roads I did take, and now I need to gradually leave them behind and continue moving forward.

I also hope that this is a lesson for anyone reading this. If there is ANYTHING at all in life that's holding you back from getting the best out of it, do something about it now. It pays to be pro-active for a better future. Don't wait until it is too late because you'll never get back all the lost time. Do your best, be at your best and never let anything hold you back. You only have one life. Make sure you don't waste it and get the best out of it.


Queer Ranter said...

Today is a brand new day. Embrace what you have today. :)

simonlover said...

Me too...I'm envious of the young PLUs nowadays who are livin' life flamboyantly without fear compared to our days..Hehe..Though i'm still livin' a simple & peaceful life =)...Anyhow, it's not too late to live your life to the fullest evnthough u r already 29, by starting from now...Good Luck ya! Muacks fr Simon...

Mark said...

QR: Yeah, exactly =)

simonlover: You're absolutely right, it's never too late, as long as you're alive =)