I've fallen for him...deeper than I should have, when I should have pulled myself up. I know that I shouldn't have. I know that I should have moved on. I know that I should have shut myself off when he told me I wasn't his type. I know that we can't be together. But why did I let myself go? How did this happen? Why is it that only for him, my heart refuses to untangle itself? Why did my heart wrap itself so closely around him?
How could this happen...when it can never be? Why would I gladly move worlds for him....when it can never be? I know that he still loves his ex. I know that his heart is still occupied. I know that he's not ready to accept anyone else. Yet, I still yearn for him. Yet, I still feel his lingering touch. Yet, I still remember the scent and warmth of his neck. I've told myself many times...to get a grip, let go...and move on. Just when I thought that I no longer felt this way, all these feelings arise again when I spend time with him. I don't want to lose him, nor do I just want to remain friends. I don't want to push on...and scare him away.
He knows about me. He feels the affections that I pour towards him. He sees it in my eyes when I look at him. He knows by the subtle, but obvious ways I treat him. He knows by the way I listen willingly to the words of his broken heart. He knows that he can come to me in tears and I will try my best to dry them. He knows that he can lay out the burdens of his heart and I will gladly carry them. He knows that he can call me anytime, and I will race to his side. But yet, his heart is still ruled by the love that he had lost, and there is only room for one. What can I do...except be there for him? What can I do...except try to make him happier and hope to bring more brightness to his life? What can I do...except help him move on? What can I do...when it can never be?
In his eyes, I'm just a good friend. In my eyes, he is everything that I'd hoped for. Because I've peered into his soul and saw how beautiful it was. Because I've peered into his heart and caught a glimmer of the sincerity and purity of love that it holds. Because I felt the steadfastness of his love shine forth. But alas, it is not meant to be mine. Alas, it is not reserved for me. Love is either blind or I'm just being stupid.
Alas...it can never be.