I've been looking back on my life. I'm already 29, and what have I really accomplished? The truth is, sadly, not much. In fact, I haven't managed significantly improve the quality of my life to the level that I wanted. Ever since I moved next door with dad so that I can have my own room, I haven't been able to save. I've had more responsibilities like bills and insurance to pay for, on top my study loan, monthly allowance for my dad, repairs for my car and other unpredictable misfortunes that pop up. My job doesn't pay well for the experience that I have. I don't feel appreciated as an engineer and the pay doesn't justify the workload.
I haven't managed to save to buy a better car, own a better PC, buy better things for myself or finance my own place. Shit, I barely did any shopping this year, coz I was afraid of spending. You might say that I'm currently evaluating the quality of my life based on my financial means. I'm very dissatisfied, even borderline in despair that financially, I'm still not where I want to be, and I'm still struggling. At this point, I should already have the financial stability, not keep worrying about money. I really need a new job and a better life. And it's NOT just for me, it's for my mum and sis as well. I don't ever want mum to work so hard in her older years, which is rapidly approaching. I REALLY NEED that job in SG or AUS. However, most engineering jobs in AUS involve civil, mechanical, structural or electrical engineering that focus on construction, railways or even water facility managements. And those aren't my major or what I currently do at all. So, SG would be a better target at this point, since they have jobs more relevant to what I'm doing. I COULD consider an internal transfer to SG, on top of other companies I'm currently applying to in SG as well.
My love life is a bomb, and nothing to talk about right now. Still alone and single. Being single has it's perks, coz you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want. But ever since YZ, I feel even more lonely. I really do miss him, but it wasn't meant to be. Once again I'm in the market, but not sure if I'm still wanted T.T
I don't look better than before. In fact, lately I look worse since I haven't been getting enough sleep. Sometimes I'm just thinking too much that falling asleep is becoming difficult. I know I might be too hard on myself, but I abhor being stagnant and not moving forward. If I'm moving backwards, it frustrates me to no end.
I remember when I started my job as an engineer, being a professional and in charge of my own financial means. I was saving quite a lot too, especially in my first year in the job. I had also just returned to Penang permanently and being active as a PLU, making a lot of new friends and really socializing to make up for what I missed in my younger days. I really felt that I was making something of my life and going in the direction I wanted to be.
Now, I just feel like a failure. What have I accomplished so far? NOTHING! No savings, still looking like crap and no BF. What a way to end the year.
I'm not meant to be a still lake, but a river that keeps flowing forward, not backwards. Am I being too hard on myself?