Sunday, November 15, 2009

Being Too Hard On Myself?

I've been looking back on my life. I'm already 29, and what have I really accomplished? The truth is, sadly, not much. In fact, I haven't managed significantly improve the quality of my life to the level that I wanted. Ever since I moved next door with dad so that I can have my own room, I haven't been able to save. I've had more responsibilities like bills and insurance to pay for, on top my study loan, monthly allowance for my dad, repairs for my car and other unpredictable misfortunes that pop up. My job doesn't pay well for the experience that I have. I don't feel appreciated as an engineer and the pay doesn't justify the workload.

I haven't managed to save to buy a better car, own a better PC, buy better things for myself or finance my own place. Shit, I barely did any shopping this year, coz I was afraid of spending. You might say that I'm currently evaluating the quality of my life based on my financial means. I'm very dissatisfied, even borderline in despair that financially, I'm still not where I want to be, and I'm still struggling. At this point, I should already have the financial stability, not keep worrying about money. I really need a new job and a better life. And it's NOT just for me, it's for my mum and sis as well. I don't ever want mum to work so hard in her older years, which is rapidly approaching. I REALLY NEED that job in SG or AUS. However, most engineering jobs in AUS involve civil, mechanical, structural or electrical engineering that focus on construction, railways or even water facility managements. And those aren't my major or what I currently do at all. So, SG would be a better target at this point, since they have jobs more relevant to what I'm doing. I COULD consider an internal transfer to SG, on top of other companies I'm currently applying to in SG as well.

My love life is a bomb, and nothing to talk about right now. Still alone and single. Being single has it's perks, coz you have all the time in the world to do whatever you want. But ever since YZ, I feel even more lonely. I really do miss him, but it wasn't meant to be. Once again I'm in the market, but not sure if I'm still wanted T.T

I don't look better than before. In fact, lately I look worse since I haven't been getting enough sleep. Sometimes I'm just thinking too much that falling asleep is becoming difficult. I know I might be too hard on myself, but I abhor being stagnant and not moving forward. If I'm moving backwards, it frustrates me to no end.

I remember when I started my job as an engineer, being a professional and in charge of my own financial means. I was saving quite a lot too, especially in my first year in the job. I had also just returned to Penang permanently and being active as a PLU, making a lot of new friends and really socializing to make up for what I missed in my younger days. I really felt that I was making something of my life and going in the direction I wanted to be.

Now, I just feel like a failure. What have I accomplished so far? NOTHING! No savings, still looking like crap and no BF. What a way to end the year.

I'm not meant to be a still lake, but a river that keeps flowing forward, not backwards. Am I being too hard on myself?


Medie007 said...

for a while i was wondering if we ever meet... YZ's my initials. lol.

Mark said...

Heh, small world isn't it?

C'est la vie said...

Hey Markie,

No, you're not too hard with yourself. It has its explanation.

According (ehem~ lecture time) to Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you can't even satisfy your first level of needs (Physiological), then comes to the next level is Safety, means the security of your job, then only >social>self esteem> self actualization in which I only see you fulfil the social part. It also means that your job has not given you much satisfaction even for the lowest level.

SO, I am not trying to make you more upset, but rather to tell you that, you're not being too hard for yourself, and as people are growing older, there must be more responsibilities to carry, it's completely a normal cycle.

Do not feel that it's bad, you can always try out something new (AUS or SG), and seriously, your current employer sucks I would say.

Good luck to you, and for anything, you always can text me. I am always here for you.


Zemien said...

Even a flowing river bends and sometimes has to flow away from the ocean so that it can negotiate the right path.

Bravebear said...

Little bear is here =) Cheer up yea... I have yet to take up such responsibilities and I don't think I am that much qualified to say much.

But from what I believe, life is merely a journey. In this journey you reli need not accomplish anything. Ppl try to accomplish something for their self satisfaction. But being able to live till this very day is an accomplishment itself. There are many that break down and suicide for their reasons. But you survived till this day and I think that is amazing enuf.

hmm... wonder is Anton would agree :P cheese!

Anonymous said...

god..u really are insecure, aren't u?ur 29 but u sound like a 18 year old twink..sheesh

Mark said...

C'est la vie: Thanks *hugs*

Zemien: Gone zen have we now? =P

Bravebear: Yes, I know. I have more on shoulders to bear and so I need to find something better for myself.

Anonymous: Your statement is really immature and insulting. AT LEAST I'm secure enough to write about my life's misfortunes and shortcomings or any insecurities that I have, instead of lashing out at someone else when they pour out their heart.