Thursday, March 5, 2009

Just Screw It!

Despite my best efforts, I suck in relationships or trying to get into one, I'll give you that. Admittedly, two of my biggest mistakes was jumping into it too fast AND approaching someone at the wrong time/place. That's fine, I know I fucked up. I'm trying to amend my ways and I'm trying to do better. A few of my good friends have come up to me pointing out the error of my ways. Yes, I appreciate that. But, it does get frustrating when everything you do seems to be wrong, even those you think are the most sensible and right thing to do. It makes me feel lost and confused every time I decide to do something, for fear for fucking up again. Yeah lah, if people keep saying everything also wrong, then what have I done right?

Maybe I should just take more hits to my face and wise up. Maybe I should just lower my expectations. Maybe I should go fine the latest edition of 'Relationship for Dummies'. I don't know. Maybe I won't find that special someone in this life. From what everyone keeps telling me, I keep fucking up. It's very de-motivating and depressing.

I go out and find; wrong. I sit and wait and do nothing; wrong. I put effort into the person that I like; ALSO wrong! Everything is wrong, so what is right? It seems as if finding that special someone and getting into a good relationship is as likely as winning the lottery in my lifetime, an impossible feat. A one in few million chance, bad odds if you ask me. Like most say, if it's yours, then it's yours.

But WAIT, why do I have to fucking bother about it so much? It's not as if I would die if I were single. So screw it! I'm sick and tired of being wrong all the time. If love doesn't wanna find me, then fuck you! I have other BETTER things to do with my life. I still have me, myself and I. I don't deserve this shit. I should just focus on making my life better instead of whining about this crap. I don't care if I'm single or attached anymore. It's just making my life complicated. Yes, it would seem like I'm giving up, and I won't lie saying it isn't partially true, but I am just really fed up with this.

I try and try and try, but it just ends up biting my in the ass one way or the other, regardless whether I did things wrongly or not. I might as well focus my efforts on other aspects in my life that matters more and enjoy myself instead. A lot of frustrating things have popped up in my life lately, and I don't need anymore to add to it. To reiterate, if love comes my way, I'll think about it. If not, then screw you coz I don't want to fucking care about this shit anymore! I'd rather be by myself...

PS: This is my first ranting post with the F word in it. I'm sorry, but I really needed to get this out of my head! Feels good after letting it out.

7 comments:

Kevin TCP said...

It's OK Mark! Just f**k out or up if you feel angry...

These few days my mind was full of this word because I was also very angry with the 'ang moo kau'. They are 'useless' ... :)

Ryan (MMU) said...

Dear Mark,

After reading your post, I felt compassion for your ordeal. From what I understand, maybe all the while, you've been trying too hard or the feeling of being a single throughout your life depress you so much, to the extent that you're pushing yourself too hard in the relationship. I, however, beg to differ. Instead of trying too hard, why dont give yourself a break, and let love to come naturally in your life.

I'm not experienced in giving an advice to you, as me myself also still remain single up till now. However, I enjoyed my singlehood very much. Being able to do what I like (swimming, gym, jungle trekking, charity, etc), what I'm passionate about (reading, watching movie) without having to take care other person's feeling is perhaps my greatest gratitude.

Truthfully saying, I don't expect the love to come to me, thus you dont see me go out there and look for it. However, I'm very optimistic that when I don't look for it, it will come to me naturally in one day.

Calvin said...

To me, nothing can be considered right or wrong in the courting or dating period because each individual you date will react differently to your method. So, you didn't do anything right nor wrong until you see if the relationship works out or not.

Evann said...

Wow, someone's emotional. But hey, if it makes you feel any better, it's something everyone goes through and you're certainly not alone in this. Love is complicated, but is never wrong. It just takes time and heaps of patience.

It's fine to be single and it definitely wouldn't kill. Remember that that which does not kill you, only makes you stronger. But honestly, dying single? I'd think twice.

Take it easy. Love will find a way.

Mark said...

Kevin: Yeah, it was good to vent and let it out.

Ryan: Wah, long long time since I heard from you. Anyway, I know how you approach things, but I think that I'm not actually too hard. Instead, I focus on the right or sensible thing to do.

Calvin: Yeah I get what you mean. Maybe I'm taking the opinion of others too seriously...

Evann: Hey, I see that you're new to the blogging community, welcome! Yeah, I can be very emotional sometimes. Love IS complicated, but I can only say that when I have it. Right now, love is non-existent =P

Gerald said...

Relationship is about finding the right person. If it doesn't work out, then just learn from it and don't make the same mistake again. Life goes on.

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