Monday, March 16, 2009

A Changed Person

After getting the results of the freakishly accurate personality test, I went online to check out some self-help articles/websites how to deal with my self-esteem issues. I wanted to feel more confident. I wanted to learn to love myself. I wanted to stop occasionally beating myself up, being constantly insecure and going to that dark, bleak place within when I felt inferior. I wanted all this to STOP! I guess I've reached a breaking point, not because I was having a nervous breakdown or anything like that, but because I believe and somehow felt that this was another pivotal point in my life. This was a point in my life when something would change, and often for the better. This point was similar to what I experienced before I ultimately decided and took action to change myself physically, from being to fat person to a gym bunny (my dear friends, STOP laughing). Except this time, the change would come from within.

Since my outward improvement years ago, I only focused mainly on my physical self, but I had neglected tending to my emotional well-being. I just figured that if I changed myself physically, I would automatically change emotionally as well. Part of it did improve, but the root of the problem still remained. Silently, I was still experiencing a lack of self-esteem and feelings of low self worth at times. SO, I was wrong. Being overweight was only part of the problem, but it wasn't the ROOT of the problem. The root of the problem was low self-esteem and a lack of self-belief, which mostly probably stems from my teenage years, and it was probably one of the reasons I became overweight in the first place. I didn't like myself, felt I wasn't worth it, felt empty and used food as a source of comfort. Even after I've fixed my overweight problem, I still wasn't feeling like a million bucks, and sometimes I kept wondering why.

During my short 'research' last week, I found some inspiring articles and compeling stories that truly helped me see myself differently and develop a more perspective. I realized that my focus was too narrow and I wasn't seeing the bigger picture here. My focus was mostly physical/external, and I failed to fully acknowledge my inner self. I failed to see myself as a whole person, and when I did, I FELT LIKE A CHANGED PERSON! I have a GREAT personality. I have GOOD attitude and character. There was NO reason why I should feel inferior, depressed with myself or feel unworthy in the first place! Sure, my inner self may not be perfect, but I can choose to live or deal with it. Apart from how we look, it's our inner self and flaws that make each of us so endearingly unique and different from each other.

I've often wondered how certain people could feel so positive, confident and love themselves so much, despite their appearance or weight. Then, I realized that all those people had great personality and character to begin with. They were some of the best people to be around with and have as friends. Have you ever met someone that you weren't interested with at first, but later on felt attracted to them, sometimes even inexplicably and you can't put your finger on it? I know I have. One of the few things that I've realized lately, was that your inner self can shine and make certain aspects of your outward appearance more appealing. Even certain aspects of your personality, attitude or character can exude an appeal for yourself. After thinking about it, this was so true that I feel like kicking myself for not realizing it sooner.

The 'eureka' moment, epiphany, revelation or whatever you might call it, was the realization and acknowledgment of my inner self. The root of my problem wasn't my physical appearance, it was how I viewed myself. After seeing myself as a whole person, I wasn't so bad after all. In fact, I have A LOT going on for me and I'm a GREAT person! In the past, I've avoided dealing with my emotional issues and thought that it would fix itself. But now, I've finally accepted myself, both good and bad, and it feels like the dark cloud plaguing me has been lifted. I may want to look my best, but it should not be the only basis on how I judged myself. I should see and judge myself as a complete and whole person, with good physical, emotional and mental health. I shouldn't care too much what others think, coz this is the way I am and I love it!

I'm not rich, drop dead gorgeous or a genius, but I'm a good and beautiful person, and I'm definitely WORTH IT!

3 comments:

PianoBoy said...

*clap clap clap*

trust and feel good on yourself.

keep this on, ok?

Carla Cunningham said...

I can relate to this article as I know from first hand experience just how hard it is to lose weight, and to maintain it. I wrote a book called Alone in the Storm, which has recently been published, and it is about an overweight woman who subconsciously put on the weight to protect herself from being hurt by love. She struggles with her weight issues, and in the end she manages to overcome them, but not before she learns some important lessons about herself and life.



Carla Cunningham, Published Book Author of Alone in the Storm

The website for my book is - http://www.eloquentbooks.com/AloneInTheStorm.html, or if you’d like more information about my book you can email me at cmccunningham@msn.com

Evann said...

When depression hits you hard, it's easiest to blame something you can see. Physical appearance would be the first target cuz you look at yourself in the mirror everyday and think of ways to change your outer self.

I remember a blogger setting a resolution to lose 10kg and saying that she would be perfect and happy once she did. She lost more then she aimed for, but she wondered why she was still not perfect nor happy. (www.hopedieslast.com)

It's the inner self that needs to be worked on. But that's difficult and I'm glad that you've accomplished it! Well done!

Don't avoid your fears. Neither should you hide from them, or compromise. You don't face your problems; You stand up to them! :)