My birthday is edging closer...it's on 2nd Nov (MARK YOUR CALENDAR!). But I'm not even excited about it. After all, I'm gonna be turning 28 soon, another step closer to being 30. Shit...where did all the time go?
Well, the main reason I'm not excited is because I have no one special to celebrate it with. Although I should be used to it by now, it's still affecting me and even more so as I'm getting older. Come to think of it, most of my friends, gay or straight, are already attached. My heart just sinks thinking about it.
At my age, most of my friends have already been in relationships and had the chance to share special occasions with their loved ones...save me. Why is it that I'm different? Is there something so horrendously wrong with me, be it physically, emotionally or mentally? Am I being choosy or just plain unlucky? My good friends think that I have a glamorous social life coz I know a lot of people and go out often but the truth is, I'm still lonely. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the friendship and companionship we share, but there still certain spaces that can't be filled by that alone.
My friends don't seem to understand most of the time, that being single can be tormenting. It can fill your head with all kinds of negative thoughts. It can make you feel unwanted, less significant and damage your self-esteem. I've been looking for a while, and every time I find someone I like, I get shot down. I've learned to handle rejections, but at the end of the day, it still hurts.
My best friend Joe told me a few times before, that I tend to choose the wrong timing when confessing my feelings. According to him, I also tend to be too hasty, although I think that being aggressive or pro-active sometimes can be good. So, I've not bothered approaching anyone for some time now. I'm scared, I'll admit it. I'm afraid that I'll get shot down again. I'm afraid that the timing will be wrong again. I'm afraid coz I don't know if I should be more passive or aggressive. I'm just getting more confused.
My friends have often told me to wait, coz apparently I'd make a good boyfriend and should wait for the right one to come by. But, wait until when? Wait until I'm 50 ah? Time waits for no man and is certainly slipping by me. At this rate, Valentine's will come and I'll still be alone again (which is why I've always HATED that dreadful lover's day!),
Help me...I'm doomed T.T