Thursday, October 9, 2008

My Birthday Looms...

My birthday is edging's on 2nd Nov (MARK YOUR CALENDAR!). But I'm not even excited about it. After all, I'm gonna be turning 28 soon, another step closer to being 30. Shit...where did all the time go?

Well, the main reason I'm not excited is because I have no one special to celebrate it with. Although I should be used to it by now, it's still affecting me and even more so as I'm getting older. Come to think of it, most of my friends, gay or straight, are already attached. My heart just sinks thinking about it.

At my age, most of my friends have already been in relationships and had the chance to share special occasions with their loved me. Why is it that I'm different? Is there something so horrendously wrong with me, be it physically, emotionally or mentally? Am I being choosy or just plain unlucky? My good friends think that I have a glamorous social life coz I know a lot of people and go out often but the truth is, I'm still lonely. Don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the friendship and companionship we share, but there still certain spaces that can't be filled by that alone.

My friends don't seem to understand most of the time, that being single can be tormenting. It can fill your head with all kinds of negative thoughts. It can make you feel unwanted, less significant and damage your self-esteem. I've been looking for a while, and every time I find someone I like, I get shot down. I've learned to handle rejections, but at the end of the day, it still hurts.

My best friend Joe told me a few times before, that I tend to choose the wrong timing when confessing my feelings. According to him, I also tend to be too hasty, although I think that being aggressive or pro-active sometimes can be good. So, I've not bothered approaching anyone for some time now. I'm scared, I'll admit it. I'm afraid that I'll get shot down again. I'm afraid that the timing will be wrong again. I'm afraid coz I don't know if I should be more passive or aggressive. I'm just getting more confused.

My friends have often told me to wait, coz apparently I'd make a good boyfriend and should wait for the right one to come by. But, wait until when? Wait until I'm 50 ah? Time waits for no man and is certainly slipping by me. At this rate, Valentine's will come and I'll still be alone again (which is why I've always HATED that dreadful lover's day!),

Help me...I'm doomed T.T


Anonymous said...

My dear friend, don't worry. I'm older than you and still single and lonely. But I find activities to do that makes me happy such as reading until late at night, go out with friends, watch movies in the cinema once awhile, pamper myself with expensive stuff, etc.

You can't just simply get one bf just because of time or age. It's not pure love then. It's like forcing yourself to get into a relationship.

Age is just a number. Enjoy your life while we can since we only live once so live to the fullest!

Kenny said...

For calvin, is ok to have no companion. I have no idea how he manage it. Blek:P I think most virgo are like these. You know, instead of thinking about having a partner, you should start thinking about how to upgrade yourself. Find actitivities that make you improve. Like Calvin said, keep yourself busy. When, you are too busy, you are just simply too tired to think of anything else. I admit that what I afraid most in life is loneliness. But if you have a partner, and your partner never appreciate you, it make you even more miserable. Gosh, what am i crapping here?! Anyway, I just want tell you not to be too depress over comes when you least expected it <3

Mark said...

Calvin, it's not just about the age thing. It's something I've always wanted but never got a chance to make it happen. That's why it's bugging me so much.

Anyways, you're a dear, thanks for stopping by.

Mark said...

Kenny: Yeah, I do try to keep myself busy most of the time. It's no surprise that this hits me when my mind is idle usually.

I'll try to forget about it when I wake up in the morning. Thanks ya, appreciate it =)

Zemien said...

Sometimes we gotta accept that we can't be everything in life. I think you're a great guy, but somehow bf luck escapes you. If you can let go of that, you might find life less tormenting and manage to smell the flowers around you.

An amputee can wish his whole life and not get his limbs back. But have you heard of Oscar Pistorius? Accept that you can't have everything in life, and you might even go further than you thought!

Zemien said...

And anyway, we are all next to you. Always.

BFs may come and go, but friendships tend to last forever.

If you insist on feeling sorry, go listen to "Untouched" by The Veronicas. Beautiful music and some nice lyrics:

"I feel so untouched and I want you so much
that I just can't resist you
it's not enough to say that I miss you.
I feel so untouched right now, need you so much somehow
I can't forget you
goin' crazy from the moment I met you."