I've been single for 1 and a half years. Ever since my first and last relationship, I've never been able to find someone who shared a mutual liking with me. I guess it's just my luck. I've never been able to emulate my friends, who could find a boyfriend so fast. Unlike them, I practically have no love life.
Perhaps it's my lack of confidence sometimes, that spills forth from my inner self, making it outwardly obvious and unappealing.
Perhaps it's the perception of people who don't know me personally and think that I might be someone cold and not responsive, when they see my face.
Perhaps, sometimes I project a false sense of disinterest that steers people away, but in actual fact, I'm drawn into myself because of a sense of inferiority, which may give the false notion that I'm not willing to open up myself to others.
Perhaps it's my face that turns most people off. I'm trying to do something about it though.
Perhaps...I'm just not good enough for anyone to have.
Whatever it is, I'm just feeling really lonely right now. It's the kind of loneliness that lingers, even when you're surrounded by friends. It's a loneliness that hungers not for companionship, but yearns for soulful intimacy with another. It's a feeling that is so human, which compels us to drive ourselves into the arms of another, just for the simple but powerful reason of wanting to love and be loved in return.
Why can't I have that? Why won't he appear? Would he come by if I stopped looking? Am I simply just looking too hard? I'm just so tired. I'm so exhausted. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to look. I want to stop caring and say that I don't need anyone, but then one of these moments pop up and bash me in the head with the harsh hammer of reality. A reality that exists however hard I try to deny it or pretend that it's not there. I DO need someone. I DO want to love and I DO want to be loved. But how can I find it?
I envy those who've found their first love, as I never found it and perhaps...never will in this lifetime. Everything just seems so distant and vague, like a thick, cold mist blanketing the horizon. I've never even celebrated a Valentine's day with someone. That's why I've always hated Valentine's day. It always reminded me of my non-existent love life.
I'm so lonely right now.....feels like my heart is being weighed down by a tonne of bricks.
PS: Sorry if this sounds like a depressing post of me being too hard on myself, but I'm just expressing myself. Better than keeping it bottled up right?