Sunday, April 12, 2009

Is My Life Going Anywhere?

Life feels pretty much stagnant and meaningless to me sometimes. Ever sit in your own room and wonder what should happen next or try to envision where your path in life leads to? Sometimes, I feel as if I'm not moving in any direction at all. It's like a sailor stranded in the middle of the lake, where there are no currents or even a slight breeze to help you move. Is life planning something for me along the way, or is it up to me to take the reins and whip the horses bearing my chariot and attempt to head down a direction I perceive is right for me? The situation as is, seems to me like unmoving waters in a murky swamp. Growing stagnant and ever more putrid with each passing day. God, I'm dramatic today, throwing metaphors into the wind. Currently, I don't seem to be improving any aspects of my life, nor am I spiraling downwards (thank GOD!).

Financially, my job pays just enough for me to survive. After all the damn bills, fuel payments, giving money to my dad, insurance and study loan payments, more than half my salary is gone. That doesn't even include money that I spend for myself, mostly for food and groceries. If I were to indulge in any shopping, my savings would be meager or none. That is why I NEVER go shopping, not even when I go traveling. Call me paranoid, but I believe in having some savings for a rainy day or in case any emergencies pop up along the way. I feel really insecure if my savings begin to dwindle, so I make sure this never happens. You never know when shit might hit the fan. Initially, I wanted to switch jobs in the first place to seek greener pastures, but due to this year's abysmal economic state, that plan is on-hold until further notice. For now, I'm just thankful that I still have a job, and will be until the hellish economy picks up it's imploded bits and pieces.

In terms of love life, as usual, it is non-existent. But, it has never existed in the first place. Not even with both my ex-es, since both relationships never lasted more than 3 months. I wouldn't call love in a relationship if the feelings weren't mutual enough. I have trouble finding someone who's right for me. Let me rephrase: I have trouble finding anyone that I like who has the slightest possibility of liking me back. The only person whom I would readily give my heart to doesn't want me, but that's another story. As I was saying, I have zero luck when it comes to finding relationships, whilst every single gay Tom, Dick and Harry that I know can find one so easily. A lot of the time, I think something must be wrong with me. Is there something that repels other people from me? It could be that my friends are much better looking than I am. So, when I'm with them, I'm probably overshadowed. It could be that most PLUs are too shallow, hence I don't stand a chance when it comes to first impressions. Yes, I would do anything to improve the way I look sometimes. If plastic surgery were cheap, I'd go for it. It's the truth. Yes, I know I have a great personality, but what's the use when they don't even give you a chance to know you better? That is when my better-looking brethen will shine. Courtship is like a game. Stage 1 is physical attraction. So, if you're better looking, you will wipe the floor with stage 1 and whoosh past to stage 2 (courtship) faster than you can say, "WTF?". Well, I'm sick and tired of being overshadowed, but I can't exactly blame anyone. It's human nature to be attracted to things that are beautiful and flawless. Why do you think I hate taking photos of myself? Coz I hate looking at them. When I take a picture in a group, the difference is so apparent.

Let me be honest here. Sometimes I think that it's virtually hopeless to try and improve my face. It seems irrepairable, but somehow, I still persevere in finding my golden egg. This is all in hope that one day I might actually look good close-up. I know my friends are very nice to me, but I know what most people are thinking. Those that don't know me well have said it bluntly, in different ways. And sadly, those words managed to reach me and it hurts like slicing my own face with a knife. It cuts deeper than you can imagine. Some of you reading this might think it's no big deal really, and that I'm being overly melodramatic or just feeling sorry for myself. But, I'm just being honest. I did start this blog to pen down my thoughts, emotions and perceptions. Deep down, I don't think I will give up trying to fix it anytime soon. But it just sucks at this point, ya know?

No, I'm not sliding back to that deep dark place. I know that I'm a great guy but just with less than average appearance. Therefore, I don't much chances of intriguing anyone's interest, compared with my better looking friends. This translates into very little chance of me ever finding a good relationship. The odds are looking bad right now, so I don't plan to gamble. Lately in fact, I haven't been bothered putting myself out there anymore. I can't see the point, and would rather prepare myself for the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life. Tired of feeling disappointed and dejected from being rejected, I will refrain from seeking anyone right now. I don't know when this will blow over, but for now, I think it's better that I'm alone. It's not like I have a choice anyway.

The irony of it all is that I really hope that I get to experience truly loving someone in this lifetime. I've been feeling extremely lonely since last weekend, even more so after clubbing. Hearing my friends talk about their new guys made me feel worse. It's the lonely feeling that you get, even when you're surrounded by people. I have NO idea what triggered it, but it just came along. I've been stuck with it for the whole of last week, and coupled with my current state of life, I've decided to release it here.

I feel a little better now...phew!


Anonymous said...

Yes! Just release whatever your 'pain' and 'hate' from your mind here...

Sometimes I bla bla bla ALL when I feel angry and emo in my blog too ...

Cheers! ;p

Anonymous said...

Let me tell you something. I met this guy who has the phobia of meeting guys now because of other people's comment on his face. He told me that many people say he dpesn't look good, not even average, and some even said his face looks like a dog and some said his face is only worth putting on a tombstone.

Can you take that? That is why he didn't even dare to put his photo online. But after chatting with me, he finally showed me his face and I was attracted to gim instantly. Honestly, I even got horny! Ops! To me, he looks so manly, so husband-type. So you see, even if others say he's ugly, someone might see it differently.

I'm sure there are people who will like you for who are you are and not what you look like. I know it's difficult and takes time for them to know the real you but trust the one above. He has plans for everyone and He will guide you through difficult times.

That is why there is a saying "Beauty lies in the hand of the beholder". I truly believe that phrase.

Mark said...

Calvin, I don't think I'm as severe as the guy you mentioned but I hope to do better.

Anonymous said...

Elo Mark. Love your article. I agree that you have a great personality which I find it attractive in guy. Keep it up and I'm looking forward to your next article. =)

Mark said...

Thanks =)