I'm pretty sure that mom is still in denial till this day. Although I came out to her 3 times, she hasn't readily acknowledged who I am. However, a couple of things happened recently, although briefly, that made me think if she has in fact silently acknowledged, but not ready to fully accept.
This was last week. As usual, I was into my gaming mode after work:
Mom: Is this what you're gonna do the rest of your life?
Me: I'm just relaxing after work. Would you rather have me go out or be a home and save some money? Also, I haven't been feeling very well lately. Not since the previous event. I had a flu and cough, and got caught in the rain
Mom: Why didn't you bring your umbrella with you?
Me: I left it in the car in the multi-storey carpark. I didn't feel like walking all the way there just to get the umbrella.
Mom: Then what about the raincoat that was given to you for the event, in case it rained.
Me: I actually didn't think to wear it.
Mom: Aiyo, how can you be so careless? Learn to take care of yourself better. If you had a girlfriend, you would take better care of yourself, for her sake. You would be more savvy. Or at least, she would take care of you.
Me (getting annoyed): Why must I need a girlfriend so that I can be savvy, or take care of myself better?
Mom: Then, what about a boyfriend?
Me (surprised): Ermmm, I don't have any lah!
Yes, I caught totally off-guard by that one.
This one was just last Monday, at a neighbour's wedding dinner:
Random neighbour at our table: So, when is ah boy's turn? *looking at me*
Mom: *looks at me* I don't know, you ask him lah. Not yet lah.
Me: *just smiles awkwardly at neighbour*
Mom: *turns to me again and smiles* You really don't wanna get married one day?
Me: Don't worry mom. Sis and I will take care of each other, even if I'm not married. But, she has to get married because she really needs someone to take care of her.
Preceding the above conversation, the neighbour and mum were talking about how important it is to have a family so that they could take care of you when you're old. I have to admit that there is truth in what she's saying, especially if you should encounter any illnesses or mishaps in old age.
I believe that for every parent, one of the biggest reasons they would want their children to get married is so that they will be taken care of, long after parents are gone. I understand that, and think that perhaps, she just wants me to be looked after. She might not agree with my sexuality and could have forgone her dream of seeing me raise my own family, but I have an inkling that she wants me to be with someone, no matter who it is, so that I will have companionship and my well-being attended to. Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. And I have been thinking about it as well. Perhaps I will adopt one day? Who knows? Do they even allow single parent adoption? I have no idea.
Those brief conversations with mom got me thinking. Could this be a sign that she's beginning to accept who I am? It is still kinda vague. I just hope that one day, I will be able to sit down with her and discuss my life freely, instead of filtering and keeping secrets. This, sincerely, I pray.