Wednesday, April 20, 2011

We Broke Up

We broke up last night. We said our goodbyes, amidst muffled sobs, as we held each other tightly before he left, at a quarter past midnight. I was determined not to cry, but when William tearfully muttered "Goodbye, lou gong" in my arms, I burst into tears as well. We've been together for more than a year, and we shared so many fond memories with each other. We're still good friends and I'm still here for him, and I know that William still loves me very, very much.

In my current circumstances, I just didn't have much time to spend with him, and give him the company and attention that he needs. I have a lot more commitments in my life right now, be it from the job, business and/or family. Even so, every time I wanted to go out, especially during weekends, we would be out together. But now, our outings and personal time together have been scarce. How I wished that life was simpler like few years ago, when I had at lot less to worry about and just enjoyed life a lot more, but life doesn't stay that way forever. The lack of time was really taking a toll on us, especially William.

The deepest thorn in our relationship was that my feelings for him have diminished. I felt that I no longer loved him like I used to. I'm not saying that I totally didn't neither. I still love and care for him to an extent, but not as a BF anymore. I knew this would be painful for him to hear, but I had to be honest with him. Whenever he asked if I loved him, I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I truly believe that you should only tell someone that you love them, only when you really meant it. I didn't want to lie to him and William noticed it as well. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's because of the tiredness or stress that's causing me to feel this way...

My relationship with William was the longest that I've ever had. It was also the most pleasant, loving and happy one. NO ONE has loved me more deeply and passionately as William did, which made me even more guilty when I felt that I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I couldn't give him the love, time and attention that he was meant to have. This wasn't the first time we talked about a break-up, but the third. And this time, we really went with it after really talking it through. I wasn't keen to break up with him, because I was afraid that I would have made a grave mistake. Amongst the few that I've been with, William was the best. But, I can't be in a relationship with someone that I didn't love. It would just be miserable for the both of us, and terribly unfair to him.

It was still painful in the end, and for the most part for William, although both of us cried. William is a deeply emotional person, and I can't help but want to protect him because I feel that he can be so fragile at times. However, I know he will be alright, because I also know that he is stronger than he thinks. I'm in tears as I'm writing this, in grief of letting him go. It was such a difficult decision to make, because I know how sad and painful it would be for him. I can't stand to see William cry, and I can't help but be reduced to tears as well every time he does. It just didn't feel right to go on, since I can't commit to the relationship right now nor give him the love that he so rightfully deserves.

However, a part of me still fears that I might regret this decision. Only time will tell if we eventually end up together again, or move on with our lives. Only time will tell if we were meant to be apart, or just needed a break from the relationship. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, engulfed with sadness. Even now, I'm a lot more worried and concerned about him than myself.

I will miss zai2 very much, but I'm also glad we didn't go through an ugly break-up. I'm glad that we're still good friend, and both of us need some time to heal. I know that he is still with me, and I will always fondly cherish our memories together.

16 comments:

Little Devil said...

you stopped me from writing anything just so that you can write it first? Cheater...

Vincent~ said...

*pats back* its a very mature way of breaking up. =)hope u guys will b alright

Anonymous said...

THEN GET UP AND START HAVING SEX RATHER THAN WHINING LIKE A BITCH!

hayes haslan said...

I'm so sorrry to hear that..take care my friend

Piko-chan said...

Stay strong Mark and William... i believe you both can get it through. Whatever happens next, all the best and fate will take its own course.

Jason said...

OMG

ichimaru akira said...

OMG.. hugs the both u..

Jay said...

the feeling of LOVE will not always on the highest point of the hills. sometimes, the feeling might go down, but that is still the process of LOVE. Perhaps time and distant can help to explain everything. take care ya, n be tough mark and william!

Little Devil said...

First off, thanks to those who's very concerned >.<

Secondly, Marky have yet to comment so, I shall speak abit of what I have in my mind.

For now, even if he miraculously loves me back and want me back, I will say no. I want him to be sucess, concentrate on his work now and live for the better.

Part of my heart came back to me the moment he said "Cant you just leave me because I wanted to?" cause I know even if we continue, I will not get back the same kind of love he had in me. One of the strong believes I have is the power of love and thus, I believe that if i really love him, I shall leave him alone and do whatever he wants.

I will miss him, I will shed tears numerous times, I will think about the things we did, I will think about the hard fact that he left me but one thing i will never ever forget is that he is/was my lou gong in my heart. I really have the best sweetest memories from the beginning till the end. Okay, not really...over exagerating...there's some terrible moments but still, I really like what we've went thru.

I appreciate how hard he tries to love me back even though his feelings on me had diminished.




*Drama drama*

Well, arent the way I wrote it good?

Whizkid said...

"A relationship is a journey to be walked by two and not to be led by one" ~ The ex.
When love start to diminish, one will stop walking while the other still will walk.
I agree with Vincent it is a very mature way of breaking up.

"if you love that someone.. let them go..if they leave and never come back, they are not destined to be with you..." ~ Tulsy
All the best for both of you.

"if u were meant to be, u will still cross path one day." ~kidz
Little Devil, when that day come don't be too stubborn to accept him back, If that day comes.

Little Devil said...

awww.... >.< thanks...of course i will but i dont want to be a distraction for me right now...I will accept if he come back at the right moment lor >.<

voiceitout said...

Stay Strong!!

Qboy said...

Best of luck to the both of you after the part, for the better or for the worse. If time and fate and plenty other factors permit, hope you guys would be able to get back together and continue creating more memories. In the meanwhile, i guess just chill.. Take care you two.. :)

Anonymous said...

little devil why your england so bad

Calvin said...

I'm sorry to hear about this. Stay strong and all the best in your life.

Isaac Rizard said...

Mark, you have been a very, very bad boy *spank spank... After this, no more whining about no boyfriend, etc. But single is cool too. Hahaha... Remember Kristine, your favourite lao po hiao...? Hold on to her favourite quote, 'Variety is the spice of life...' How true it is...