Monday, March 21, 2011

Still Self-conscious

I used to be fat in my late teens into early adulthood. On top of that, I had bad skin and acne problems. It's probably no wonder that I've been very uncomfortable under my skin ever since. Even though I've come so far and improved by leaps and bounds, I've never quite gotten over being physically self-conscious. Although that feeling has toned down considerably since those dark days of self-bashing and deep-seated self-loathing, I've never really been able to shake it off entirely. Yes, I know that everyone struggles with their own insecurities, and may even triumph over 'em if you consciously work to overcome them. Subsequently, I've always figured that I'd have gotten rid of it by now.

I'm still self-conscious about how I look topless. So much so that I've never taken my shirt off even to my closest friends. Sure, I've always been working out regularly and in fact, fitness has become so routine for me and the gym is like my second home. Sure, my body is miles away from what it used to be, and I've grown some muscle on me bones, but I'm still embarrassed that I don't look as good as I should for someone who goes to the gym. To this day, I'm still not able to take my shirt off in public except that one time when I was clubbing in KL on new year's and my friends pulled my shirt off and shoved me on stage. How sad T.T

I still find it difficult to smile in front of the camera, since I'm not the least bit photogenic. Thankfully, my skin has improved dramatically, and I owe it all to Artistry (let me know if your interested). At least I look more pleasant in photos now, but I still dread the stare of the camera occasionally. And I can't endure close-ups. They reveal the nooks and crannies that should be concealed under piles of make-up, but I never wear make-up. Nor do I touch up any of my photos. So, whatever you see on Facebook is the REAL DEAL. Call if pride or whatever you want, but I don't believe in falsifying my own image in a bid to improve the viewers expectation of myself. I believe that should you want to friend me, you should be sincere and like the person that I am. Furthermore, what's the use for you to make photos of yourself so utterly gorgeous, only to end up bombing the person's expectation when he/she finally meets you? Potong steam I tell you. Might as well be just who you are =)

Yeah, I know this post is supposed to be about me being all self-conscious, but I gotta insert something positive in there. A long time ago, I've made up my mind to avoid negative stuff or be whiny about myself. When I started this blog, it was more about self-expression, whether it be good or bad. However, my posts were more negative back then. So I'm glad to say, it's taken a turn for the better in recent years. And my posts are way happier these days =)


Marky's Little Devil said...

if you guys must know, he has self esteem issue and I who personally see and touches every single part of his body (oppps) thinks he's just gorgeous <3

That big biceps and the muscular boobi..uhh...i mean chest is there and omgg i just looove it! I tried to pull some fat off his stomach and it's just a very thin layer and there's like... NO FAT on his hand...

thankfully, plenty on the back for me to slap ahahahahhaha!!!

You're perfect Marky~

thompsonboy said...

see...thats the validation you need. Whats the point of being so called perfect when you are single and everyone is too scared to even approach you?

Anonymous said...