Thursday, December 9, 2010

My Biggest Fear

I had an short but interesting discussion with some of my gal pals when I was in KL last weekend. The subject was on gays getting married and I don't mean the gay kind. One of my biggest fears is that I will end up old and alone, rotting away with no one to take care of me. I really understand why parents keep pushing for their children to get married, and a huge part of it is for this reason alone. Parents hope that their son or daughter will settle down, start their own family and be taken care of in old age. No parent wants their child to be left old and alone. Even if their intention is not to start family, there is still the hope that they would at least get married for companionship, just to have someone to grow old with and look after each other. I know the lot of you might respond that you can take care of yourself. You can certainly say that when you're young. But when old age arrives, illnesses tend to follow. Who will take care of you then if you're all alone? That thought really scares the bejesus out of me.

Even gay people would like children some day, if possible. I know I'd love to have kids some day. I guess at this age, my paternal instinct is just catching up. I love the idea of having a little Pooh running around. Someone with lots of laughs, smiles and hugs (and I'm not talking about the little devil). Someone I can impart my wisdom and values to. Someone I can watch grow up and be proud.

But then, I have no idea if I'm able to do it, and I DON'T mean the sex part. Would me getting married mean that I'm abandoning part of my identity? Would I just be selfish for getting married just to have kids? Would that even be fair to her at all? Would I be able to love her and endure the marriage? Or would I snap one day and just go back to being who I am? How devastating would it be if the marriage landed in shambles because I couldn't stand being in a straight marriage? How would she feel if she knows about me? Do I even tell her? Can I endure not ever telling her? What if I get married and realize it was all a mistake? Do I even want to risk that? What IF I don't risk it and then regret it for the rest of my life?

Some many questions about the future run through my head sometimes, and I don't really know where to go. I REALLY don't want to end up old, alone, sick and neglected. And I don't know if I can handle a marriage, but I'd love to start my own family. One of my gal pals actually suggested that I marry a lesbian. We could at least take care of each other and shut our families up, until they start asking for babies that is.

Sigh, am I just thinking too much?

What would you do?

9 comments:

Jason said...

i think it'd be silly to get marry for any purposes, if your real identity / intention is not to marry.

Of coz, if one changes their mind and fall for a girl, good for him =) but don't simply get a girl juz for the baby. it's unfair to her, and it's EVEN unfair to you. =D

Chen Xing said...

Not stepping into the straight world. But then again, we can always have what they are having.

That's my thought.

thompsonboy said...

I am extremely apposed to the idea of having children so that someone will take care of you. What guarantee do you have that they will take care of you? Besides that's very selfish. Have children because you want to, not because you need to. Gay people can look into retirement fund investment. It might not be everything but at least it's something.

CJ said...

That's why some gay couples adopt kids because they know it's unfair and not a wise move to get married just because to have children.

Even if you get married just to have someone to take care of you when you're old, have you ever thought anything could happen? Such as (touch wood) you're no longer in this world before old age? And it's kind of selfish to marry just to get someone to take care of you. Well, that's my opinion.

Marky's Little Devil said...

you know i wanna have my own kidss... >.< and i do actually thought about marrying a lesbian to cover things up...

but now, instead of thinking getting married with a girl, i actually thought of getting stable with you and you know i told you before about us getting children and you having a cat in our family...i hope that day could come...

haha...quite a nonsense :P but then, i do really wanted that to happen...

zemien said...

Volunteer at kids' home and shelter. There are already enough abandoned children for you to take care of.

It's also unfair to expect your children to take care of you. Wouldn't you feel offended if your parents told you that you were born just to be their full time maid in 30 years?

On unrelated note, I wouldn't mind seeing you in a maid costume.

Anonymous said...

agree with ur lil' devil! y not marry a lesbo and have kids? i mean u both r just into it for the sake of having kids. she's into boobs not cocks, n ur into cocks not boobs. d marriage will be a good cover up! haha

Mark said...

Hehe, looks like I've sparked an argument of sorts. Let me just clarify one thing, I did NOT mean for any of my kids to be a maid and be at my beck and call in my old age. If I were to raise a family, I'd expect for us to take care of EACH OTHER, coz that is what good families do. I made no mention of treating my family as servants.

If you intend to be judgmental about this, ask yourself if you would take care of your parents or family, even if they didn't ask you to? Did they EVER expect or FORCE you to be their servant as they get older?

I think if you've ventured there, you might have been derailed from the main point. Like I said in the post, it is very easy for you to say that something like this is considered selfish. Did I mention that I would treat my wife badly? That I wouldn't take care of the family and treat her like a baby-making machine? OF COURSE, I would do what's right for the family if I were to start one. I understand that there are issues about this idea that need to be addressed.

Have you seen people who are old, living alone and are really sick? I've seen enough for it to terrify me sometimes.

Anyhow, I'm just rightfully voicing my thoughts about this, coz I'm been thinking about it for a while and I needed to let it out. I don't know what the future holds, but it can't hurt to prepare for the worst sometimes.

Anonymous said...

I remember before coming out (even to myself) that I would get married, have two kids, and a dog, grow old, and never tell anyone about my homosexuality. But seriously, would it really be fair to your wife if you're checking out guys behind her back? It's not adultery or anything, but what if someone you loved could not really do the same, not because of your personality or looks, but because of who you really are?

It's not selfish, it's wrong.

I'm pretty sure everyone's worried about this as well... I know I am.

Just my two cents worth of thoughts :)