I had an short but interesting discussion with some of my gal pals when I was in KL last weekend. The subject was on gays getting married and I don't mean the gay kind. One of my biggest fears is that I will end up old and alone, rotting away with no one to take care of me. I really understand why parents keep pushing for their children to get married, and a huge part of it is for this reason alone. Parents hope that their son or daughter will settle down, start their own family and be taken care of in old age. No parent wants their child to be left old and alone. Even if their intention is not to start family, there is still the hope that they would at least get married for companionship, just to have someone to grow old with and look after each other. I know the lot of you might respond that you can take care of yourself. You can certainly say that when you're young. But when old age arrives, illnesses tend to follow. Who will take care of you then if you're all alone? That thought really scares the bejesus out of me.
Even gay people would like children some day, if possible. I know I'd love to have kids some day. I guess at this age, my paternal instinct is just catching up. I love the idea of having a little Pooh running around. Someone with lots of laughs, smiles and hugs (and I'm not talking about the little devil). Someone I can impart my wisdom and values to. Someone I can watch grow up and be proud.
But then, I have no idea if I'm able to do it, and I DON'T mean the sex part. Would me getting married mean that I'm abandoning part of my identity? Would I just be selfish for getting married just to have kids? Would that even be fair to her at all? Would I be able to love her and endure the marriage? Or would I snap one day and just go back to being who I am? How devastating would it be if the marriage landed in shambles because I couldn't stand being in a straight marriage? How would she feel if she knows about me? Do I even tell her? Can I endure not ever telling her? What if I get married and realize it was all a mistake? Do I even want to risk that? What IF I don't risk it and then regret it for the rest of my life?
Some many questions about the future run through my head sometimes, and I don't really know where to go. I REALLY don't want to end up old, alone, sick and neglected. And I don't know if I can handle a marriage, but I'd love to start my own family. One of my gal pals actually suggested that I marry a lesbian. We could at least take care of each other and shut our families up, until they start asking for babies that is.
Sigh, am I just thinking too much?
What would you do?