Wise Words from Dr. Richard Teo

Please take a moment to read this and share this meaningful story. I got this from an email and this has been circulating in FB as well. Long post ahead.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who is a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly came to share his life experience with the D1 class on 19 Jan 2012. He has recently passed away on 18 October 2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know.

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it.

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred.

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff.

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money.

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system.

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes.

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist.

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today.

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through.

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way.

Also most importantly, I think true joy comes from knowing God. Not knowing about God – I mean, you can read the bible and know about God – but knowing God personally; getting a relationship with God. I think that’s the most important. That’s what I’ve learnt.

So if I were to sum it up, I’d say that the earlier we sort out the priorities in our lives, the better it is. Don’t be like me – I had no other way. I had to learn it through the hard way. I had to come back to God to thank Him for this opportunity because I’ve had 3 major accidents in my past – car accidents. You know, these sports car accidents – I was always speeding , but somehow I always came out alive, even with the car almost being overturned. And I wouldn’t have had a chance. Who knows, I don’t know where else I’d be going to! Even though I was baptised it was just a show, but the fact that this has happened, it gave me a chance to come back to God.

Few things I’d learnt though:
1. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.
2. Is to love and serve others, not just ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being rich or wealthy. I think it’s absolutely alright, cos God has blessed. So many people are blessed with good wealth, but the trouble is I think a lot of us can’t handle it. The more we have, the more we want. I’ve gone through it, the deeper the hole we dig, the more we get sucked into it, so much so that we worship wealth and lose focus. Instead of worshipping God, we worship wealth. It’s just a human instinct. It’s just so difficult to get out of it.

We are all professionals, and when we go into private practise, we start to build up our wealth – inevitably. So my thought are, when you start to build up wealth and when the opportunity comes, do remember that all these things don’t belong to us. We don’t really own it nor have rights to this wealth. It’s actually God’s gift to us. Remember that it’s more important to further His Kingdom rather than to further ourselves.

Anyway I think that I’ve gone through it, and I know that wealth without God is empty. It is more important that you fill up the wealth, as you build it up subsequently, as professionals and all, you need to fill it up with the wealth of God.

Personally, I did not know who this man was. In fact, I had only just heard of him these past few days. His story moved me and inspired me personally. I picked up quite a few life lessons from him, some of which I realized again:

1. Ultimately, our family, friends and loved ones are the greatest treasures of our lives. When all is lost and we've hit rock bottom, they are the ones who will be by our side offering love, care and comfort. Striving to achieve success in wealth is fine, but never let it blindside you from the people who truly matter to you. Come to think of it, the best times of my life are the those spent with my family, friends and loved ones. Never neglect to let them know how much you love them and appreciate having them in your life.

2. Learn to empathize with others and be more understanding, especially they are faced with adversity, struggle and suffering.

3. Learning to live for others will make our lives far more meaningful than living for ourselves. Living only for yourself will only make you lonely and miserable in the end. Offer help, comfort and compliments freely and sincerely whenever you can. Build bridges, don't burn them.

4. Never let others dictate how you should live your life, or what your success should be. Everyone has a different definition of success, and should live by their own ideals.

PS: You may read more him on his online memorial.

Lift Your Heart

So many times in so many instances have we kept doubted or despised ourselves, and struggled to make something more of ourselves. In those times, this will lift your heart.

Stay strong, look within you and keep moving forward. Bad times and seemingly never-ending struggle will always be there, and the actions we take in those circumstances will ultimately determine the outcome. In the bleakest hour on the darkest days, we need to cling on to hope and keep going. The flame of hope can be reduced to a tiny flicker, but it can never go out. That tiny spark can turn the tides if you remain steadfast and fight alongside it. It is always there if you seek it, and can devoid you of life should you lose it.

Never give up, no matter how bad things get. I need to remind myself of that always.

Alright I'll stop here. I'm getting too preachy =)

You Are Perfect To Me

At a time when I felt incredibly vulnerable, sad and awash with doubt; at a time when I felt unworthy and so unsure of myself, this song played on my car radio as I drove home in despair many nights ago.

I hadn't noticed at first, with my mind in a race of thoughts, but the words eventually caught my attention. It was just the right moment, with the right message and the just right words that I needed to hear. It was so miraculous, or at least it felt that way to me. There was no one else around, just me alone in the car. It was as if You were listening to my heart, and knew exactly what to say. You may call it coincidence if you want, but I believe that that song was meant for me.

I burst into tears as I drove back. I just let it all out. Both touched and utterly grateful for that song, I just want to share it with all of you.

If you're feeling down, unworthy or terribly discouraged with yourself, this is the song for you =)

We Broke Up

We broke up last night. We said our goodbyes, amidst muffled sobs, as we held each other tightly before he left, at a quarter past midnight. I was determined not to cry, but when William tearfully muttered "Goodbye, lou gong" in my arms, I burst into tears as well. We've been together for more than a year, and we shared so many fond memories with each other. We're still good friends and I'm still here for him, and I know that William still loves me very, very much.

In my current circumstances, I just didn't have much time to spend with him, and give him the company and attention that he needs. I have a lot more commitments in my life right now, be it from the job, business and/or family. Even so, every time I wanted to go out, especially during weekends, we would be out together. But now, our outings and personal time together have been scarce. How I wished that life was simpler like few years ago, when I had at lot less to worry about and just enjoyed life a lot more, but life doesn't stay that way forever. The lack of time was really taking a toll on us, especially William.

The deepest thorn in our relationship was that my feelings for him have diminished. I felt that I no longer loved him like I used to. I'm not saying that I totally didn't neither. I still love and care for him to an extent, but not as a BF anymore. I knew this would be painful for him to hear, but I had to be honest with him. Whenever he asked if I loved him, I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I truly believe that you should only tell someone that you love them, only when you really meant it. I didn't want to lie to him and William noticed it as well. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's because of the tiredness or stress that's causing me to feel this way...

My relationship with William was the longest that I've ever had. It was also the most pleasant, loving and happy one. NO ONE has loved me more deeply and passionately as William did, which made me even more guilty when I felt that I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I couldn't give him the love, time and attention that he was meant to have. This wasn't the first time we talked about a break-up, but the third. And this time, we really went with it after really talking it through. I wasn't keen to break up with him, because I was afraid that I would have made a grave mistake. Amongst the few that I've been with, William was the best. But, I can't be in a relationship with someone that I didn't love. It would just be miserable for the both of us, and terribly unfair to him.

It was still painful in the end, and for the most part for William, although both of us cried. William is a deeply emotional person, and I can't help but want to protect him because I feel that he can be so fragile at times. However, I know he will be alright, because I also know that he is stronger than he thinks. I'm in tears as I'm writing this, in grief of letting him go. It was such a difficult decision to make, because I know how sad and painful it would be for him. I can't stand to see William cry, and I can't help but be reduced to tears as well every time he does. It just didn't feel right to go on, since I can't commit to the relationship right now nor give him the love that he so rightfully deserves.

However, a part of me still fears that I might regret this decision. Only time will tell if we eventually end up together again, or move on with our lives. Only time will tell if we were meant to be apart, or just needed a break from the relationship. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, engulfed with sadness. Even now, I'm a lot more worried and concerned about him than myself.

I will miss zai2 very much, but I'm also glad we didn't go through an ugly break-up. I'm glad that we're still good friend, and both of us need some time to heal. I know that he is still with me, and I will always fondly cherish our memories together.

Maria Aragon And Lady Gaga

Maria Aragon is a Filipino-Canadian girl from Winnipeg, Canada. Her mother is a native Filipina from Ormoc, Leyte, Philippines.

On February 16 2011, a video of Maria performing a cover of "Born This Way" by Lady Gaga was posted to her sister's YouTube channel to showcase Maria's talent to friends and family. The video caught Lady Gaga's attention and she was so impressed and moved to tears by Maria's performance that she retweeted a link to the video to her eight million followers and showcased it in the Facebook page, causing a sensation and launching Maria to instant international fame. The video garnered over 10 million views on YouTube in five days. In 6 days, her video, "Born This Way - (Cover)" on Youtube had reached about 19 million views.

Ellen DeGeneres took notice of her from Lady Gaga's tweet and invited Maria to appear on her show on February 21, 2011, where Maria again performed "Born This Way" on the piano earning a standing ovation from the audience. You know it's another dream come true when you're on Ellen (think Charice!).

Toronto's Virgin Radio 99.9, was the among the first media outlets to reach out to Maria and attempted to fly Maria and her family to Toronto so that Maria could perform live on air but it was cancelled due to the weather. During an interview on HOT 103 in Winnipeg, Lady Gaga called into the show to tell Maria how moved she had been by her performance. Lady Gaga then invited an already surprised Maria to perform "Born This Way" with her at The Monster Ball Tour concert in Toronto in March, an offer which Maria enthusiastically accepted.

On March 3, 2011, Maria joined Lady Gaga on stage in front of a packed audience at the Air Canada Centre, where together they performed an acoustic duet of "Born this Way" with Maria sitting on Gaga's lap, playing piano and Lady Gaga working the pedals. At the end of the song, Gaga turned the microphone over to Maria who thanked the audience and Gaga for allowing her to perform.

Maria's so sweet and Gaga's got a big heart. Love 'em both =)

Leavin' On A Jet Plane...

About 5 years ago, my bestie Joseph left Penang for KL to live with his BF.

Then Isaac moved to KL for work.

Months ago, my dear foodie Brendan began work in KL.

Last year, PC left for New Zealand to continue his PHD.

Recently, Shawn just left for greener pastures in New Zealand.

Yesterday, Albin made a sudden announcement that he's leaving Penang to return to his hometown by the end of Feb.

On the same day, my dear friend Sonia from KL called to tell me that she'll start work in China on 24 Feb.

I know it's not up to me. And I know that I can't stop anyone from moving on and getting a better life, but it feels like so many good friends have left.....and I'm feeling so lonely all of a sudden. My list of good friends here grows thin.

I miss you all =(

It Gets Better...IS HUGE!

More and more celebs are becoming a part of Trevor's 'It Gets Better' project. You'd be surprised...

Jewel...she's just gorgeous. LOVE her =)

The amazing Adam Lambert. I personally love what he's saying.

Bet you didn't know Suze Orman (go google her if you don't know who she is) was a lesbian =)

Zachary Quinto, I'm sure you know who he is. I love his clip, it's so touching and I can really feel him wanting to reach out.

You know how huge this is when you have the US President rooting for it!

Go OBAMA!

My Dearest Mimi

A fellow blogger Calvin just posted about the loss of his pet dog, and this triggered memories of my own pets. I'm an animal lover. In fact, when first deciding a career, I had wanted to be a vet. Due to circumstances in those days, being a good vet meant overseas education. Money was a huge issue so I had to ditch that dream. As a kid, I'm also constantly fascinated by nature. In those days, National Geographic was the only series available to engross myself in the natural world.

I kept numerous pets as a kid. One of my fondest was my first pet kitten. God, how I adored her, and weirdly enough, mum who didn't like furry creatures about the house didn't seem to mind her either. I can still remember where I found her. In my kindergarten years, I lived in amongst a row of houses situated behind a row of shops and eateries. I would cruise in and out of those shops at my leisure, until the owners practically knew me and didn't mind. I even befriended some of the owner's children. A common sight in those shops were stray cats and kittens lingering about. I decided, after some persuasion from the kids there, to adopt two rather thin-looking kittens. Took both of 'em home, but one decided to leave after a day or two, so we took care of the one remaining and named her Mimi.

Mimi was the life of the house. I would play with her for hours. Grandma, who was still alive at the time, was responsible for feeding and 'disciplining' her. Seriously, she had a magic touch, and also a 'lidi' in her hand at the time. Mimi was so disciplined that she would only poop in the toilet next to the drain hole, or run outside and do her business somewhere in the garden. During meal times, she would never jump to the table or steal food, she brushed herself against our feet under that table, meowing softly until we fed her after dinner. It was so endearing and we didn't mind. Every time mum wanted to clean the floor, she would just hop onto the couch and sit there watching the broom or mop move, never budging or trying to chase the broom/mop. Bath times were fun. Sometimes mum and I would clean her when she was giving me my bath. She was always a clean little kitty, even when we allowed her to roam outside. I even made her a little cat house with a couple of boxes, complete with windows and a porch, which she totally didn't use, being active and all. Whenever I lay of the floor in the afternoon for a nap, Mimi would always climb and fall asleep on my warm belly, much to mum's amusement.

Once, my cousins came visiting and decided to feed her chocolates. They left a trail of tiny bits and Mimi would follow, nibbling each morsel. Big mistake, as the next morning, Mimi left a trail of vomit everywhere she went. And for the rest of the day, she kept coughing, heaving and was weak even a few days after that. Another incident that remain etched in my mind was one of the weekends when our family would go for outings, which I loved. Dad was hurrying us out in the porch and mum was rushing to finish folding the clothes and closed the drawer. I called out to Mimi everywhere, but she couldn't be found. Dad got impatient so we just went out anyway. When we returned 4-5 hours later, Mimi was still nowhere to be found. As I called to her, we suddenly heard a faint scratching sound.

Every time we called her name, the sound would appear, although rather faint. It was baffling but eventually, we traced the sound back to the drawer, pull it open and out she jumped. She looked at us, meowing softly and walked kinda wobbly. Poor little thing must've either been hungry, suffocating or traumatized, being stuck in the tiny drawer for hours in the dark. She must've jumped into the drawer while mum was distracted and didn't notice her among the clothes. Luckily, I brought home some leftover Big Mac that day.

One fateful day when dad drove home from work, I went to open the front gate as Mimi began racing to the front when she heard the car. She was fond of everyone in the family and usually greets everyone when they came home at the gate. Dad shouted for me to grab her and take her inside before he could drive in. Being the kid, I just grabbed her and flung her into the garden. After doing some flips in the air, Mimi landed on the ground perfectly on her feet and sprinted past me towards the car. Dad couldn't stop in time as he pulled into the porch...and ran over her right in front of me. I shouted in horror as dad rushed out of the car.

Immediately, Mimi started having spasms and twitched violently. Being so young at the time, even I knew something was horribly wrong and that Mimi was in severe agony. Blood started trickling out of her mouth and nostrils. And soon, the spasms stopped and she lay perfectly still. I sobbed uncontrollably as I watched. I desperately tried to get her to move and breathe. Both mum and dad tried to pacify me. Mum was in shock too. She hadn't seen me cry so profusely before. She began yelling at dad for being so careless but in the end, there was nothing to be done. My beloved Mimi was gone, right before my eyes. That, was my first brush with death and loss of a loved one.

That evening, dad buried her in the soil across the road. Early the next morning, I rummaged through a pile of construction wood that grandma collected and came out with a long and a short piece of wood. I went and got dad's hammer and some nails as well...and in the backyard, I began hammering the two pieces of wood together to form a cross. As I hammered, I couldn't control myself and started crying uncontrollably again. Mum and dad awoke from the sound and ran to the back, alarmed that I might be doing something dangerous. When they found me, I looked at them and mumbled in a shaken voice amidst the intense sobbing that I wanted Mimi to have a proper grave. I think mum cried when she saw what I was doing and heard what I had said. She told me to come inside to clean up while dad finished the cross for me.

When it was done, the three of us went out to Mimi's grave and dad placed the cross on the grave as we said a word of prayer for her. I still cried for weeks after that, whenever I thought of her. And to this day, I still remember my dearest Mimi, after more than 20 years.

Gosh, writing all this made me tear up again...

It Gets Better

Prompted by the recent suicide of 15-year-old Billy Lucas, who reportedly suffered homophobic harassment at Indiana's Greensburg High School, columnist and author Dan Savage has launched the It Gets Better Project, a campaign on YouTube that's meant to assure young people that no matter what they are experiencing, including family rejection, bullying or harassment, there is a future beyond high school. Savage created the site in conjunction with World Suicide Prevention Day, held earlier this month. Dan Savage is sending a message to gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender teens: It will get better, really!

Coverage on Billy Lucas:

Dan and husband Terry.

Even Perez Hilton is apart of this.

A couple of random clips from the project.

I think that this is a tremendous idea. Sometimes we think that there is nothing outside our bad situation, but there is. And the 'It Gets Better' project is exactly the kind of outreach that we need. Having people who've experienced similar hardships to share their life's journey and deliver the hope of a much better future could change lives, or help those in the same situation to hang on until the storm finally passes.

No doubt, it's a lot tougher for the Asian LGBT community, as conservative discrimination, narrow-minded intolerance and ignorance still run rampant. Although the situation here in Malaysia is still largely intolerant towards the LGBT community, viewing the videos gave me hope. That however shitty the situation we're in, it won't be shitty forever.

Go ahead, check out the videos in the channel.

Please Drive Safely...

Oh dear God, watching this makes me re-live the nightmare that could've been. One of those drivers could've been me. I was shaking and tearing up as I watched this.

It's just horrific how your life can take a really UGLY twist at any time. The pinned lovers at 2:38 really tears me apart.

Shit can happen on the road at ANY time, even if you weren't driving. But please, always drive safely.

Lovely Poem

Zai2 wrote a lovely poem in FB and tagged me. I got rather upset with his last post, so we talked about it that day and everything was alright after that. As I suspected, he didn't realize what he was doing and caused some misunderstanding.

I woke up feeling blue,
You text-ed me like you'd always do,
The love of yours did I see through,
As fiery as it is true,

You'd never stopped feeding me,
But I was always ever hungry,
Never once did you get angry,
How selfish of me!

Damn my head keeps singing Alejandro,
It feels like I am about to blow,
As I thought of you I glowed,
It's 5AM now and I feel Drow,

Worry kept etching on my face,
Should be reminded of my pace,
Let us be slow and not a race,
Embrace till the end of our grace.

Be reminded we are just human,
Mistakes will we tend to do,
Treachery, blasphemy and semen,
Be calm, composed and cool.

Zai2 should definitely stick to poems =P

Never Give Up

I love this =)

So, you think YOU had problems. Whatever you do, never give up on yourself...because God won't neither.

"There is no point being perfect on the outside, when you're broken on the inside" - Nick Vujicic

The Third Time

I just returned from a business leadership seminar in KL on Sunday evening. I was halfway cleaning my room and zai2 showed up. He wanted to just see me a little while since he was nearby. We ended up talking for almost an hour. Just as he was about to leave at around 11pm, mum rapped on my window. When I opened, she gestured that she wanted to talk to me. I was really tired, hadn't even showered after I came back and was in the midst of cleaning my room. But, something in her eyes suggested that something was wrong.

After zai2 left, I went outside to see her. I could see a distressed face. Something was deeply troubling her. Instinctly, I don't know how, but I knew what it was about. As she raised her sullen eyes and look at me with a pale face, she uttered a queston that hit my suspicions in the bullseye.

"Mark, are you gay?"

It has been about 2 years since that question has surfaced. I asked her why she asked such a question. She cautioned me not to get angry as she explained. While I was in KL for the weekend, dad decided to take a nap in my room, since it had an air-cond. My room was always locked but I kept a spare key which was accessible to both dad and sis. Long story short, he accidentally found a DVD that I was holding for a friend. From the illustrations, there was no need to explain what it was about. I don't know how, but he also found my lube (for personal use) and some condoms I had, which were handouts from AIDS awareness program by volunteers. He had just told mum everything right before the confrontation.

I told her to come into my flat and sat her down. She was distraught. She asked the question over and over again. She began to blame herself again. I had never intended to come out to her a third time. The last episode scared me enough to never raise it anymore. Although this was very unexpected and should be a shock, I was in control. I was calm and composed. My mind was clear. I guess I have grown a lot in 2 years.

As we sat together, I wanted to make sure why she had asked. I knew she was in denial but still suspicious. Deep down, it seems as if she wanted to affirm her suspicions after so long. She began again to mention what they had done wrong. I pulled myself close in front of her and held both her hands, looked into her eyes and assured her repeatedly that none of this was her fault. That there was nothing wrong with me. That I was mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. That I was not abnormal or imcomplete but just different. Just different from the masses around her. She said that she was so heart-broken and I might not have my own family and I might end up all alone when I'm old. I told her that I understood how she felt, that no parent would be glad if they found out about their child.

She asked why hadn't I told her directly. I got up and went to close the front door. I sat down and held her hands again. I asked her if she remembered the last time I told her. I told her how crushed I was for the few weeks after that. I told her how I had to drive out of office, park in an alley outside and sob uncontrollably in my car over what had happened. I told her how painful it had been for me to see her blame herself and everything around her, refusing to see me as I am. I told her how I felt when I told her my innermost secret and truth, and she refused to believe me. I told her that the denial was the underlying reason why the gap between us widened over the years. She didn't disagree, because she noticed the gap as well. I used to tell her almost everything about myself, nowadays I would tell her nothing. I told her that I was afraid to get close, because I didn't want her to pry. I told her how afraid I was to confront her for fear of rejection. I told her no matter what, I would always be her son.

As I told her all these things, I wept. I cried as I held her hands. And as I cried, she wiped away my tears, finally listening to what I was saying. Finally seeing how tortured I had felt. Finally, a part of her was inclined to try and understand. After I had told her all these things, she didn't deny nor push away my admission. For the first time, she was actually thinking about it. She told me that no matter what, I would always be her son and she would never reject or throw me out. But, she still needs time to absorb or understand and perhaps tolerate it. She told me that perhaps I should enhance my circle of friends and be more open. She said that I should not try to filter or put a barrier of who I am when I meet new people. I told her I'm as open as can be, and have no trouble befriending anyone. She insisted calmly that perhaps I should give myself more chances at a normal relationship, and not to rule anything out. I told her I'd give it a try if that chance ever came.

She still hopes that I might have a family one day. I don't abhor the idea of having my own family actually. In fact, I would love it. I told her only time will tell if this would happen. But for now, I hope that we can try to heal the wounds and see what happens from here.

I don't know how she will re-act or change in the coming days. I don't know if we can grow to become close again. She might either progress to gradually understand or regress into denial. Only time will tell.

At least this time she was more willing to see my point of view. At least this time she actually listened. The third time was much better. I didn't feel stressed or lose sleep afterwards. I still felt calm and collected. I guess the ball is not in my court now. I've done all that I can.

The Day I Stopped Loving Myself

Warning: This is a LONG post.

This is a blog entry by a fellow blogger who bravely revealed one of the darkest episodes of his life. I felt that it was deeply moving and really wanted to re-post it here to share with all of you.

The night was still. It was quiet except for the sound of my own breathing. The rope was around my neck. I let it caress my neck and it tightened into a loop. I wanted to die by asphyxiation, suffocating myself to death. They say right before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. It is true. At the age of seventeen, my whole life flashed before my eyes. It wasn’t my entire life from childhood to present but the thing that mattered most to me. I guess I never knew how important that matter was in my young mind until that very day. Right before I tried to kill myself, images of my family started flashing in my mind. And I felt this deep, intense love inside my heart. A love that was stronger than the desire to end my life at that very moment. I thought of my family, especially my mother, the one I was closest to. I couldn’t let go of them even though I had decided to let go of my own life. There was this heaviness in my heart, making me not wanting to leave them. I thought I wanted to leave this world behind. But I didn’t want to leave them behind. I couldn’t.

I took my head out of the loop and started gasping for air. Then I burst into tears. I never cried so hard in my life. I cried until my nose become blocked and started to run with secretions. I cried until I couldn’t see from all the tears. I cried till there was a puddle of water on the pillow. I stifled my cries with the pillow so my sleeping family members would not hear. I cried until exhaustion kicked in and fell into sleep.

I woke up to the bright morning sun the next day. Like the rays of sunshine penetrating my room, I felt that my life has changed and I wanted to start anew. I pretended nothing was wrong. I thought my eyes were puffy but I didn’t think my parents noticed. I haven’t eaten for days and my parents were just glad I was going to the kitchen for some breakfast. I had been depressed for months but the past few days have been the lowest point in my life, before spiraling into the night of my suicidal attempt. I became as dark as the December storm, unlike my usual sunny self.

Last night, after my suicide attempt, I realized that there was more to life. I need to be more responsible to myself and the people around me. Dying will not solve the problem. Most importantly, I love my father, mother, brother and sister too much to leave them. I finished my breakfast alone, quietly. I was starving, from my many days of self-imposed ‘fasting’.

I heard a sound as I went upstairs to my bedroom. I started running to my room as fast as I can. “No, NO, NO,” I screamed inside my head as thoughts went through my mind. I did not lock the door and someone must have went in and saw something they should not see.

It was mom. She was crying uncontrollably. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. Her eyes were red. She looked at me and asked, “WHY? WHY?”

When I saw her cried, I started crying too. I felt defeated and just sank to the ground. My knees turned weak. She had searched through my room as I was having breakfast in the kitchen. I should’ve locked the room. I thought I hid everything. How could I be so careless?

She found my suicide notes hidden under the mattress. She just asked why and kept crying. I cried too. I saw the anger in her eyes. I saw the disappointment in her eyes. I saw the sadness in her eyes. I didn’t know what to say. I disappointed her as her favourite child. I was the strongest in her eyes. The brightest one. And yet, now, I felt like I am the most worthless.

I felt helpless as I continued to look at her crying. Seeing your mother cry while discovering your darkest secret will break even the strongest heart. She discovered and read all the little pieces of suicide notes I left for them had I successfully killed myself last night.

Both my mom and I could barely speak as our voices were choked by tears and emotions. Time seemed to stopped and we just stood there crying, and looking at each other. I hugged her and told her I am sorry. Told her that I love her. She hugged me back, still crying, but did not say anything.

Until this day, my mom doesn’t quite know the reason I attempted suicide. She thought I was broken hearted over breaking up with a girl. We never talked about this dark day that happened in our lives. It was something we try to avoid. My suicide attempt occurred during Chinese New Year. For the next few years, Chinese New Year was never the same again. Sometimes, when I am alone with her, she would casually bring this up and ask me what happened that day without specifically pointing to the incident. We both knew which event she was referring to but I always brushed it off and changed the subject. When she sensed a change in emotion, with the air suddenly tensed, she would stop pursuing the matter, and become quiet.

The real reason I wanted to die was because I could not accept my own sexuality. Sometimes, you know about it all your life, since childhood. But at 17, reality suddenly hits and I understand how being different is not a good thing. My mother would never accept me for who I am. Society would not accept people like me. I thought I was a freak. A mistake of God. I was abnormal. I had perverted desires. I had no reason to live on this earth as a freak. I took some time to accept myself. Thanks to the resources from the Internet on sexuality and my ex, whom I eventually found love. I thought I was going to be happy again. Little did I know, accepting my sexuality was only the beginning of a journey. One that would not be easy.

We've all been there. In our younger days, we've been brainwashed by those around us to think that our very existence is an abomination, that of sin incarnate. In our own innocence and ignorance, we've been led to believe that everything about our sexuality is wrong, a perversion frown upon by our Maker, a mental disease that needs to be cure, or whatever narrow-minded, erred perception that society will impose. We've been told that we've made the wrong 'choice' and if we don't change our ways, we're destined for fire and brimstone in the afterlife. We've been told so many things that would break our spirit, spawn self-loathing, and perpetually confuse our minds. All because of ignorant, yet pernicious perceptions imposed by those who think they know it all, making it so difficult to accept ourselves for who we are.

As we progress in life, we face further discrimination for being who we are, either directly or otherwise. We're constantly in fear that people will turn their backs on us when they find out, especially the ones whom we love and cherish the most. Most of the time, we have to put on a social mask just to blend in, depending on the crowd and situation. We face overwhelming pressure to conform to the norms of the sexual majority.

All of us have doubts, insecurities and fear that plague us. At some point in our life, we may be tempted to choose the 'easy' way out. A thought is just a thought unless translated into action. Let it be a fleeting one and never re-visit that thought again. However hard and bleak it may seem, hope never dies. Our lives are a gift, regardless how crappy it is sometimes. We are as God made us, and when the world turns against us, He will always love us. I truly believe that our actions and heart which governs those actions, are the things that MATTER THE MOST. Not your age, the color of your skin, your sexuality etc.

I'm very glad that you didn't become another Bobby. The love you had within saved you, making you take a step back from an untimely end. Death is never the answer.

Charice On Singapore Idol 2009

On 27th Dec 2009, Charice was a guest performer on Singapore Idol's grand finale. You will notice how much she has grown, and that she has further perfected her singing and vocals, being a true blue artist now =)

Her performance still gives me goosebumps. NEVER have I been this crazy about an artist since Celine Dion (in my teen years) and Lady GaGa currently. LOVE HER TO BITS!

Crazy About Charice! - Part 3

Charice performed her promised duet with Celine Dion at Madison Square Garden in New York City on September 15, 2008.

In November 2008, she appeared on Good Morning America with David Foster to promote David Foster's tribute album, Hitman: David Foster and Friends. Another AMAZING performance!

For the third time, Pempengco made an appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show on the May 18, 2009 "Finale: Oprah's Search for the World's Most Talented Kids" episode. She debuted her first internationally released single "Note to God", which was written by Diane Warren and produced by David Foster.

I cried almost every time I watch this. Her performances always leave me with a sense of awe, inspiration and overwhelming emotion. This song is really perfect for her. You can see how much emotion she puts into it and her tremendously soulful and powerful vocals really makes the song.

Charice is undoubtedly one of THE most talented singer AND performer of our time, and she's only just 17. At such a young age, this vocal prodigy has already been compared with powerhouse singers like Celine Dion, Whitney Houston and Beyonce. She's such a wonderful, adorable and down-to-earth person. Her God-given gift is just so amazing, you can't help but want her to succeed. Coming from a poor family with an abusive father in the Philippines, she has definitely made it VERY far and deserves a lot more.

I hope we will see hear more of her soon.

God bless Charice!

Crazy About Charice! - Part 2

In 2008, Charice returned to the international scene when she guested at the April 8 episode of the The Paul O'Grady Show in London, England.

She appeared for the first time on the May 12 edition of The Oprah Winfrey Show in an episode entitled the "World's Smartest Kids", in which she performed Whitney Houston's "I Have Nothing". It was through the recommendation of Oprah Winfrey that music producer David Foster took Pempengco under his wing. David Walter Foster is a 15-time Grammy award-winning Canadian musician, record producer, composer, singer, songwriter and arranger,[1] noted for discovering singers Celine Dion, Josh Groban, and Michael Bublé and for producing some of the most successful artists in the world.

Charice made a second appearance on The Oprah Winfrey Show on the September 9, 2008 "Dreams Come True" episode, in which Oprah referred to her as "The Most Talented Girl in the World".

I cried when she cried after Celine invited her to sing together with her at Madison Square Garden. It's always touching to see a dream come true, especially for such a young, humble person with such a tremendous God-given talent.

Next up, Charice's duet with Celine and her very own song!

Crazy About Charice! - Part 1

Many of you may not have heard of her. Her popularity hasn't reached our shores yet, and I've just only discovered her recently. Ever found something so overwhelmingly amazing, to the point that it brings you to tears? That's what she is, and I can't help but to share her with you...

Charmaine Clarice Relucio Pempengco (born May 10, 1992), best known as Charice Pempengco, or simply Charice (a portmanteau of her first two names), is a Filipina international singer who rose to popularity through YouTube.

After a video of her singing the Dreamgirls anthem "And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going" became a hit on a Korean video sharing website, Charice was invited to the South Korean talent show Star King. On the October 13, 2007 show, her absolutely stellar performance just BLEW EVERYONE AWAY. She was only 15 years old at the time...

After seeing her Star King performance on YouTube, Ellen Degeneres was so impressed that she extended an on-air invitation for Pempengco to be a guest on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Pempengco flew to the United States for the first time and performed two songs on the December 19, 2007.

After her appearance on Ellen, Charice made a second appearance on South Korea's Star King as the "Most Requested Foreign Act" on the December 28, 2007.

I have to split this up to 3 parts, since there are a lot of clips I want to share with you. Stay tuned for Part 2, when she goes on Oprah!

A Moment Of Silence

The start of 2010 has been marked with two great tragedies. First of all, my heart goes out to the people of Haiti in the wake of possibly one of the most horrific tragedies ever seen. An 7.0 magnitude earthquake that killed an estimated 100,000 people and leaving hundreds of thousands more homeless, with nothing left and nowhere to go. Haiti is already one of the poorest countries in the Western hemisphere, and ironically, this gruesome tragedy took away what little they have left. My heart and prayers go out to them...

Another tragedy occurred closer to home. A dragon boat practice turned tragic after the boat capsized at the Macallum Street Ghaut in Penang, which claimed the lives of 5 teenage students and one teacher.

(More here and here).

My deep heartfelt condolences goes out to the parents, friends and relatives of the deceased. It is truly gut-wrenching when a life is taken so suddenly at such a young age. I can't begin imagine how overwhelmingly distraught their loved ones must be right now.

Let's offer a moment of silence and prayer for the poor unfortunate souls and their loved ones.

Right now, I feel really lucky to be alive and still surrounded by people I love.

I Miss You...

The year is coming to a close and I realize that I'm still all alone. The days have gone by so fast, but I still remember what we had. It was brief but it was good. I remembered the sweet things you did for me. I remember the moments when we were together.

At the end of last year, you came into my life when I was feeling the loneliest. I jumped into it without much thought when I saw the look on your face, as we kissed under the moonlight on the beach, while you lay on my lap. You made me feel wanted again. You made me feel that I was worth it. I miss the cute and adorable things you'd do. I miss the sounds you made as I tickled you when you pretended not to let me kiss you. I miss the times when you called me 'lo gong'. It was so cute when you begged me to get off you coz I was heavy and you couldn't breathe. I miss just cuddling you when we had a chance to be together. I miss pampering you, making sure you're alright and had what you needed so that you'd be happy. But then 3 months on, it just ended as abruptly as it began. I'm sorry I had to break-up with you. I didn't see a reason how we could go on when you behaved that way. Although it didn't end well, I still kept the memories. Good ones are almost impossible to erase.

Then a couple of months ago, you came along. I honestly didn't know that anything would even happen when I pushed the 'Add as Friend' button on Facebook. The open flirting that ensued in Facebook really surprised me, but it felt good. When I met you I didn't expect much, coz I didn't know you at all. Our first date was really sweet. I remember it to this day. I find it rather endearing how 'aggressive' you were. I was surprised at how matured someone your age was, at least more than those your age that I've met. I miss it when we held hands in public. I miss how you'd sneak every opportunity to lean on me when we went on the escalators. I miss how you held my pinky finger when I had one hand on the gear as I drove. I miss how well you knew how to cuddle when we slept. I miss feeling your warmth beside me. I miss the way you wouldn't let me kiss your 'sensitive' places, afraid of making too much noise. I still think it's adorable. I also miss the adorable way that you walk, as you come down those steps to meet me when I came to fetch you. What I miss the most is going to the movies with you. Holding hands and cuddling so close, we might as well have bought the couple's seat. It was a pity you made the decision you did, because I really thought we could make something of it. I just want you to know that it was a great month for me. Sometimes I thought of being more aggressive, but I get the feeling that would just drive you away. Nevertheless, out of all those whom I've been with (not a lot), you were the one who treated me the nicest and cared for me the most. I just thought you needed to know that. To this day, I still miss you a lot.