Bloggers Help to Spread Love for the Children at the Penang Shan Children’s Home Association

Penang, 3rd February 2013 — About 40 bloggers and public visited the Penang Shan Children’s Home Association to distribute food, beverages and gadgets, sponsored by various commercial entities. It’s a philanthropic exercise not only by businesses in executing their Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) but by everyone to give back to the society, thus making life more bearable for everyone in need. The event is made possible by Crowdpot Sdn Bhd (Event Organizer), Ninetology Malaysia, SUBWAY® (Suntech, iAvenue, & Leith Street branches), Chatime Malaysia, Langkawi Saga Travel & Tours Sdn. Bhd. and Alextan Artworks.

Penang Shan Children’s Home (PSCH) began as a dream and initiative of Dr. S Balakrishnan in the year 2005. This is a non-religious and a non-profit, non-governmental organization catering to the needs of orphans, neglected children, dysfunctional families and single parents. The home was built and officially launched on 14th December 2008 by Madam Chan Siew Har. PSCH’s mission is to maximize the attractive opportunities that are stored in the children; to make something happen; to change the ways that things are and to create something that no one else has ever created before for the children, to explore for opportunities; to provide guidance and course correction; maintaining focus on being consistent and persistent. The objectives are both short and on a long term basis. The short term objective is to provide all the children with a safe and supportive environment. The focus will be on the development of physical, mental, emotional, educational, social and recreational skills that will create awareness to structure and mould the child’s future.

The longer term development includes the options that are available for the child’s future, supporting them to complete the tertiary education preferably to University level. For those who are unable to complete the basic education, they would be trained in developing their skills by educating them in skill training centers. Through home visits and working with parents, they would like to ensure that eventually the child is reunited with his/her family thus becoming the backbone of the family.

How to help Penang Shan Children’s Home Association?

1. Adopt-A-Child Program

The average monthly expenditure per child amounts to RM400. This includes lodging, education, meals, transportation and pocket money. Interested members of the public can contact the home.

2. Donation

The home solely depends on donation to meet the relatively high running cost. They would be very grateful members of the public or private companies can step forward to contribute a one-off or monthly fixed donation. Interested entity can contact the home.

Other Information:
Penang Shan Children’s Home Association
679-D, Jalan Mount Erskine, Tanjung Tokong, 10470 Pulau Pinang
Tel: 04-2292186 / 016-4127711
Fax: 04-2292186
Email: shanchildrenhomepg@yahoo.com

Bloggers Help to Spread Love for the Children at the Children’s Protection Society

On 3 February 2013, about 40 bloggers and public the Children’s Protection Society to distribute food, beverages and gadgets, sponsored by various commercial entities. It’s a philanthropic exercise not only by businesses in executing their Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) but by everyone to give back to the society, thus making life more bearable for everyone in need. The event is made possible by Crowdpot Sdn Bhd (Event Organizer), Ninetology Malaysia, SUBWAY® (Suntech, iAvenue, & Leith Street branches), Chatime Malaysia, Langkawi Saga Travel & Tours Sdn. Bhd. and Alextan Artworks.

The Children’s Protection Society (CPS) began as an initiative of Dato’ Nazir Ariff when he was President of the Rotary Club in Penang (1991). It is a non-profit, non-governmental organization catering to the needs of neglected and/or abandoned children in Penang. It was officially launched in April 1992 by Puan Sri Chua Kah Peng. The objectives of CPS are both immediate and longer-term. The immediate objective is to provide children at risk with a safe, supportive and conducive environment (Shelter). Their concerned and focused areas include the emotional and physical development, education, social and recreational skills. At the same time, CPS aims to work with parents and other family members, so that the child can eventually be reunited with his/her family. In the pipeline, they hope to support projects to enhance community-based facilities for childcare and development in areas where such facilities are lacking. They also try to promote a more general awareness of the issues relating to children at risk by being involved in training and discussions. Hence they work together with various government and non-government organizations to help to develop longer-term strategies and goals.

How to help Children’s Protection Society?

1. Become a Volunteer: http://www.cpspg.org.my/webpages/help.html
Learning and Tuition is always needed - many of our children have missed a substantial amount of school due to their backgrounds, and often find it difficult to catch up with school work. If you are prepared for the extra challenges which many of our children face, and are prepared to commit a regular time a week (can be anything from an hour up).

2. Sponsor-A-Child Program: http://www.cpspg.org.my/webpages/help02.html

Talk to any of our staff if you are interested to sponsor a child

3. Donation: http://www.cpspg.org.my/webpages/help03.html

If you want to make a financial donation, please send cheques (payable to Children's Protection Society Pulau Pinang) to CPS at 118-A Jalan Scotland, 10450 Penang. CPS is a registered charity home with the Welfare Department so donations will be tax-exempt.

4. Sponsoring an Activity or Outing: http://www.cpspg.org.my/webpages/help04.html

CPS organizes many activities for the children, staff and volunteers. We welcome sponsorship of specific activities. Give us a call if you have any ideas of your own, or would like to hear from us on what sort of activities you could sponsor.

Other Information:
Children’s Protection Society Pulau Pinang

118-A Jalan Scotland, 10450 Penang, Malaysia
Tel: 04-8294046
Fax: 04-8294046
Email: cpspg@hotmail.com
Website: www.cpspg.org.my

Bloggers Help to Spread Love for the Children at The Ramakrishna Ashrama

On 3 February 2013, about 40 bloggers and public visited The Ramakrishna Ashrama in Penang to distribute food, beverages and gadgets, sponsored by various commercial entities. It’s a philanthropic exercise not only by businesses in executing their Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) but by everyone to give back to the society, thus making life more bearable for everyone in need. The event is made possible by Crowdpot Sdn Bhd (Event Organizer), Ninetology Malaysia, SUBWAY® (Suntech, iAvenue, & Leith Street branches), Chatime Malaysia, Langkawi Saga Travel & Tours Sdn. Bhd. and Alextan Artworks.

The Ramakrishna Ashrama (Orphanage), Penang is a charitable organization founded in 1938 under the inspiration and guidance of His Holiness Swami Bhaswarananda Maharaj who was then stationed at The Ramakrishna Mission, Singapore. Apart from spiritual activities, the Ashrama runs an orphanage, catering for both boys and girls with ages ranging from 6 to 20 years old.

The orphanage admits needy orphaned children who are poor and need the help from the society to assist them with basic needs and education. The children in the home are given proper education and are well cared for so that they will grow up to be useful citizens. Besides education, the girls learn traditional dancing, cooking and housekeeping. Children excelling well academically are encouraged to pursue higher education.

How to help The Ramakrishna Ashrama?

1. Sponsoring a Child Program: http://theramakrishnapg.org/2009/02/22/sponsor-a-child-program-in-ramakrishna-ashrama-penang/

The estimated cost to support a child at Ramakrishna Ashrama RM1,500 per annum. The breakdown cost is as follows:

Education: RM500
Food: RM600
Maintenance: RM300
Miscellaneous: RM100

2. Donation: https://www.cimbclicks.com.my/TIBSEPWeb/fpxPaymentToNGO_add.do?payeeId=FPXNGORAMA

Donation to The Ramakrishna can be done only via CIMB Cares (www.cimbclicks.com.my)

Orphan Admission: http://theramakrishnapg.org/2009/02/22/orphan-admission/

A child with either no parents or with a single parent who supports the child can be admitted to the Ashrama under the following circumstances:
- He/She is from age 6 and above.
- The parent or relatives has no means of supporting the child.
- The child has been mistreated or abused.
(Referred by the Jabatan Kebajikan Negeri or community leaders)

Other Information:
The Ramakrishna Ashrama
No 37, Jalan Scotland, 10450 Pulau Pinang
Tel: 04-2270869
Fax: 04-2278921
Email: ramkorp@hotmail.com
Website: http://theramakrishnapg.org/

Le Pooh in KL - Part 1

I headed down to KL on 10 Nov and I have to say, it was a relief seeing the massive jam on the other side of the highway for a change. The holidays have just started, and everyone is scrambling to head north or out of KL. It also started raining cats and dogs when I reached KL and arrived at Sunway Pyramid, my stop of choice since I'll be staying with my bestie Jo as usual. Walked around for almost an hour before Jo and Alan arrived and we headed for Zen Japanese restaurant for dinner. I find that I frequent Japanese restaurants a bit too often whenever I drop by to KL. We ordered and Ichi was kind enough to drop by a bit later to join us for dinner.

I didn't manage take any pics coz we were famished. No time to snap, just swallow everything over a lively conversation. Later on, one of the waiters came to inform us that they delivered a wrong, smaller-portioned order of sukiyaki which was meant for another table. We ordered beef sukiyaki for 3-4, but it came as chicken in a measly pot for 1-2. I didn't care as we were too hungry and just polished off everything. On the plus side, they've prepared our original order after that and proceeded to serve it, and informed us that the wrong order was on the house!

Min Huei proceeded to arrive after we were done with dinner and we continued to chat. During that time, there were a couple of lil' kids (brother and sister I believe) running around the place, and the boy accidentally knocked onto a cute waiter (OK, I was checking him out) carrying a pot of hot green tea at table right next to ours, where 3 women were seated. Hot tea splashed all over the youngest woman's thighs and left arm. Luckily, the cute waiter managed to stop the little girl, who was chasing her brother, from hitting the teapot AGAIN!

Poor thing got scalded and her skin turned red instantly. Her mother and grandma (I assume) made a big scene of suing this and that and how the children's parents were so irresponsible etc. The kids belonged to the family sitting just a few tables away and the parents didn't even bother to come over and apologized, but instead the mother just kept yelling at the kids, especially the boy. Come on lah, they are KIDS after all. Yelling at them continuously for almost 10 minutes with public embarrassment in't gonna help. The boy's mother only went over to apologize, dragging the hysterical boy along, when the young woman's mother and grandma's rantings got even louder, to the point when everyone could hear. We felt that the apology definitely wasn't sincere, just to 'save face'. She was still dumping the blame on the sobbing mess of a boy the whole time. She even threatened to leave the crying boy at the mercy of the women and just walked away in anger. What a mother of the year she is!

Just a few hours, already drama started, but I digress. After dinner, we settled for some Chatime to chat over with. It was a pity Calvin couldn't make it as he was sick and he needed to prepare for a charity concert the next day, so recovery is more important. I must say, I'm a Chatime virgin and I love the chewy pearl balls. For some reason, mine was filled halfway up with balls -_-"

On Sunday, Jo and I headed to Gayvillion Pavillion for brunch in Ichiban Boshi. Min Huei joined us a little bit later.

The 3 of us went around for some shopping, but it was just window shopping, coz I couldn't find anything that I wanted. We even went to H&M in Lot 10, but came out empty-handed. My gaydar almost exploded though.

Then, it was time for SNOWFLAKES! I made sure brunch was light to make room for it. I love Ocha'ryo!~

Because 2 wasn't enough, I got another...for free! All thanks to Jo. I'm such a glutton.

After Snowflakes,we headed to Matic for a charity orchestra concert. Five members of the MPO (Malaysian Philharmonic Orchestra) were there as guest performers that night. One of 'em was a harpist and the other 4 played in a string quartet. I thought the harpist was excellent. Particularly mesmerizing to me were one of the string quartet's female violinist. Such emotion and strong gestures, couldn't take my eyes of her during the performance. Definitely one of the highlights of the evening. Kudos to Camerata Musicales for putting up a great performance as well.

Another highlight for me was when one of the blind girls came on stage to sing Teresa Teng's classic, Ye Lai Xiang. It was really moving, and she had a good vocals too!~ After that night, we kept Ye Lai Xiang non-stop. Gay dou sei XD

Stay tuned for Part 2!~

Surprise Birthday!~

To be honest, I was a little moody on my b'day. But, only because everyone I knew was busy on that night. I actually didn't feel like going out but William insisted vehemently that I did, even if it was just the both of us. So, we ended up heading to Delicious at Straits Quay as originally planned, although we arrived at 10pm. I knew instantly something else was going on when William informed the waitress of a reservation for eight at 10pm. Jeng jeng jeng!~ (Although, I've already suspected something from William's earlier insistence)

Anyhow, I was really famished so I decided to order something light s I know sweet confections will be coming my way later on. Their kitchen closes at 10.30pm, but the waitress refused to take anymore orders when I wanted to order at 10.20pm. And, I had just came after gym and was famished. Strike 1!

Then, I went to the baked goods and dessert section to order a savory Cornish that was on display, only to be informed that it was a fake and again, that the kitchen was closed. I mean, how difficult is it to heat up something that was already prepared? It's not like I'm asking them to bake it from scratch. Strike 2!

Disappointed, I had to order molten chocolate cake as my dinner (which I only ate half coz I felt a little nauseous having something so sweet and rich on an empty stomach) and head back to the table as my dear friends started trickling in.

We forgot to take a group pic coz we were pretty rowdy. Shawn came carrying a Tiramisu cake from Ritz (awesome local bakery). It was lovely. So soft and smooth with a rich yet light and fluffy cream filling. Just splendid as always!~

Me, assuming a lady-like cake cutting pose, according to Shawn.

Part of the gang.

I think Shawn was trying to hail the waiter who repeatedly forgot the extra glass of water I requested for the past 10 mins or so. Strike 3!

Seriously, I don't know if it's due to a change of management or just incompetent staff who couldn't care less about good customer service, but this is just unacceptable. Delicious in Penang has earned a BAN in my books.

Subsequently, we decided to head over to Mr. Pot at Gurney Drive area for some proper food. Apparently, some of 'em hadn't had dinner as well, and I was still craving something savory for dinner. We ended the night in loads of uproarious laughter that drew awkward and possible annoyed looks from other tables. Did I care? Not the least coz it's mah birthday!~

Thank you so much Shawn, Alvin, Dennis, Justin, Scott, Ben, Marc, Danny and David for making it. Although we started out late coz everyone was busy earlier, I had a blast just coz you guys were there. It's all that matters to me. A special thanks to William for organizing this. I really appreciated it and am so TOUCHED.

Love you guys!~

Happy 32nd Birthday to Me!~

So, I turned 32 today. Not sure what I'm gonna do or how am I gonna celebrate it yet. Anyhow, let's start off with a haircut to welcome another year younger and wiser XD

LOL, the trans assistant walked by behind me and I heard her smile at me taking this pic.

I hope my 32nd year will bring more good health, happiness and success =)

All I know is...there will be more questions on when I'm getting married from aunties and uncles T.T

I need to brace myself. Marriage questions, marriage questions everywhere!~

Wise Words from Dr. Richard Teo

Please take a moment to read this and share this meaningful story. I got this from an email and this has been circulating in FB as well. Long post ahead.

Below is the transcript of the talk of Dr. Richard Teo, who is a 40-year-old millionaire and cosmetic surgeon with a stage-4 lung cancer but selflessly came to share his life experience with the D1 class on 19 Jan 2012. He has recently passed away on 18 October 2012.

Hi good morning to all of you. My voice is a bit hoarse, so please bear with me. I thought I'll just introduce myself. My name is Richard, I'm a medical doctor. And I thought I'll just share some thoughts of my life. It's my pleasure to be invited by prof. Hopefully, it can get you thinking about how... as you pursue this.. embarking on your training to become dental surgeons, to think about other things as well.

Since young, I am a typical product of today's society. Relatively successful product that society requires.. From young, I came from a below average family. I was told by the media... and people around me that happiness is about success. And that success is about being wealthy. With this mind-set, I've always be extremely competitive, since I was young.

Not only do I need to go to the top school, I need to have success in all fields. Uniform groups, track, everything. I needed to get trophies, needed to be successful, I needed to have colours award, national colours award, everything. So I was highly competitive since young. I went on to medical school, graduated as a doctor. Some of you may know that within the medical faculty, ophthalmology is one of the most highly sought after specialities. So I went after that as well. I was given a traineeship in ophthalmology, I was also given a research scholarship by NUS to develop lasers to treat the eye.

So in the process, I was given 2 patents, one for the medical devices, and another for the lasers. And you know what, all this academic achievements did not bring me any wealth. So once I completed my bond with MOH, I decided that this is taking too long, the training in eye surgery is just taking too long. And there's lots of money to be made in the private sector. If you're aware, in the last few years, there is this rise in aesthetic medicine. Tons of money to be made there. So I decided, well, enough of staying in institution, it's time to leave. So I quit my training halfway and I went on to set up my aesthetic clinic... in town, together with a day surgery centre.

You know the irony is that people do not make heroes out average GP (general practitioner), family physicians. They don't. They make heroes out of people who are rich and famous. People who are not happy to pay $20 to see a GP, the same person have no qualms paying ten thousand dollars for a liposuction, 15 thousand dollars for a breast augmentation, and so on and so forth. So it's a no brainer isn't? Why do you want to be a gp? Become an aesthetic physician. So instead of healing the sick and ill, I decided that I'll become a glorified beautician. So, business was good, very good. It started off with waiting of one week, then became 3weeks, then one month, then 2 months, then 3 months. I was overwhelmed; there were just too many patients. Vanities are fantastic business. I employed one doctor, the second doctor, the 3rd doctor, the 4th doctor. And within the 1st year, we're already raking in millions. Just the 1st year. But never is enough because I was so obsessed with it. I started to expand into Indonesia to get all the rich Indonesian tai-tais who wouldn't blink an eye to have a procedure done. So life was really good.

So what do I do with the spare cash. How do I spend my weekends? Typically, I'll have car club gatherings. I take out my track car, with spare cash I got myself a track car. We have car club gatherings. We'll go up to Sepang in Malaysia. We'll go for car racing. And it was my life. With other spare cash, what do i do? I get myself a Ferrari. At that time, the 458 wasn't out, it's just a spider convertible, 430. This is a friend of mine, a schoolmate who is a forex trader, a banker. So he got a red one, he was wanting all along a red one, I was getting the silver one.

So what do I do after getting a car? It's time to buy a house, to build our own bungalows. So we go around looking for a land to build our own bungalows, we went around hunting. So how do i live my life? Well, we all think we have to mix around with the rich and famous. This is one of the Miss Universe. So we hang around with the beautiful, rich and famous. This by the way is an internet founder. So this is how we spend our lives, with dining and all the restaurants and Michelin Chefs you know.

So I reach a point in life that I got everything for my life. I was at the pinnacle of my career and all. That's me one year ago in the gym and I thought I was like, having everything under control and reaching the pinnacle.

Well, I was wrong. I didn't have everything under control. About last year March, I started to develop backache in the middle of nowhere. I thought maybe it was all the heavy squats I was doing. So I went to SGH, saw my classmate to do an MRI, to make sure it's not a slipped disc or anything. And that evening, he called me up and said that we found bone marrow replacement in your spine. I said, sorry what does that mean? I mean I know what it means, but I couldn't accept that. I was like “Are you serious?” I was still running around going to the gym you know. But we had more scans the next day, PET scans - positrons emission scans, they found that actually I have stage 4 terminal lung cancer. I was like "Whoa where did that come from?” It has already spread to the brain, the spine, the liver and the adrenals. And you know one moment I was there, totally thinking that I have everything under control, thinking that I've reached the pinnacle of my life. But the next moment, I have just lost it.

This is a CT scan of the lungs itself. If you look at it, every single dot there is a tumour. We call this miliaries tumour. And in fact, I have tens of thousands of them in the lungs. So, I was told that even with chemotherapy, that I'll have about 3-4months at most. Did my life come crushing on, of course it did, who wouldn't? I went into depression, of course, severe depression and I thought I had everything.

See the irony is that all these things that I have, the success, the trophies, my cars, my house and all. I thought that brought me happiness. But i was feeling really down, having severe depression. Having all these thoughts of my possessions, they brought me no joy. The thought of... You know, I can hug my Ferrari to sleep, no... No, it is not going to happen. It brought not a single comfort during my last ten months. And I thought they were, but they were not true happiness. But it wasn't. What really brought me joy in the last ten months was interaction with people, my loved ones, friends, people who genuinely care about me, they laugh and cry with me, and they are able to identify the pain and suffering I was going through. That brought joy to me, happiness. None of the things I have, all the possessions, and I thought those were supposed to bring me happiness. But it didn't, because if it did, I would have felt happy think about it, when I was feeling most down..

You know the classical Chinese New Year that is coming up. In the past, what do I do? Well, I will usually drive my flashy car to do my rounds, visit my relatives, to show it off to my friends. And I thought that was joy, you know. I thought that was really joy. But do you really think that my relatives and friends, whom some of them have difficulty trying to make ends meet, that will truly share the joy with me? Seeing me driving my flashy car and showing off to them? No, no way. They won’t be sharing joy with me. They were having problems trying to make ends meet, taking public transport. In fact i think, what I have done is more like you know, making them envious, jealous of all I have. In fact, sometimes even hatred.

Those are what we call objects of envy. I have them, I show them off to them and I feel it can fill my own pride and ego. That didn't bring any joy to these people, to my friends and relatives, and I thought they were real joy.

Well, let me just share another story with you. You know when I was about your age, I stayed in king Edward VII hall. I had this friend whom I thought was strange. Her name is Jennifer, we're still good friends. And as I walk along the path, she would, if she sees a snail, she would actually pick up the snail and put it along the grass patch. I was like why do you need to do that? Why dirty your hands? It’s just a snail. The truth is she could feel for the snail. The thought of being crushed to death is real to her, but to me it's just a snail. If you can't get out of the pathway of humans then you deserve to be crushed, it’s part of evolution isn't it? What an irony isn't it?

There I was being trained as a doctor, to be compassionate, to be able to empathise; but I couldn't. As a house officer, I graduated from medical school, posted to the oncology department at NUH. And, every day, every other day I witness death in the cancer department. When I see how they suffered, I see all the pain they went through. I see all the morphine they have to press every few minutes just to relieve their pain. I see them struggling with their oxygen breathing their last breath and all. But it was just a job. When I went to clinic every day, to the wards every day, take blood, give the medication but was the patient real to me? They weren't real to me. It was just a job, I do it, I get out of the ward, I can't wait to get home, I do my own stuff.

Was the pain, was the suffering the patients went through real? No. Of course I know all the medical terms to describe how they feel, all the suffering they went through. But in truth, I did not know how they feel, not until I became a patient. It is until now; I truly understand how they feel. And, if you ask me, would I have been a very different doctor if I were to re-live my life now, I can tell you yes I will. Because I truly understand how the patients feel now. And sometimes, you have to learn it the hard way.

Even as you start just your first year, and you embark this journey to become dental surgeons, let me just challenge you on two fronts.

Inevitably, all of you here will start to go into private practice. You will start to accumulate wealth. I can guarantee you. Just doing an implant can bring you thousands of dollars, it's fantastic money. And actually there is nothing wrong with being successful, with being rich or wealthy, absolutely nothing wrong. The only trouble is that a lot of us like myself couldn't handle it.

Why do I say that? Because when I start to accumulate, the more I have, the more I want. The more I wanted, the more obsessed I became. Like what I showed you earlier on, all I can was basically to get more possessions, to reach the pinnacle of what society did to us, of what society wants us to be. I became so obsessed that nothing else really mattered to me. Patients were just a source of income, and I tried to squeeze every single cent out of these patients.

A lot of times we forget, whom we are supposed to be serving. We become so lost that we serve nobody else but just ourselves. That was what happened to me. Whether it is in the medical, the dental fraternity, I can tell you, right now in the private practice, sometimes we just advise patients on treatment that is not indicated. Grey areas. And even though it is not necessary, we kind of advocate it. Even at this point, I know who are my friends and who genuinely cared for me and who are the ones who try to make money out of me by selling me "hope". We kind of lose our moral compass along the way. Because we just want to make money.

Worse, I can tell you, over the last few years, we bad mouth our fellow colleagues, our fellow competitors in the industry. We have no qualms about it. So if we can put them down to give ourselves an advantage, we do it. And that's what happening right now, medical, dental everywhere. My challenge to you is not to lose that moral compass. I learnt it the hard way, I hope you don't ever have to do it.

Secondly, a lot of us will start to get numb to our patients as we start to practise. Whether is it government hospitals, private practice, I can tell you when I was in the hospital, with stacks of patient folders, I can't wait to get rid of those folders as soon as possible; I can't wait to get patients out of my consultation room as soon as possible because there is just so many, and that's a reality. Because it becomes a job, a very routine job. And this is just part of it. Do I truly know how the patient feels back then? No, I don't. The fears and anxiety and all, do I truly understand what they are going through? I don't, not until when this happens to me and I think that is one of the biggest flaws in our system.

We’re being trained to be healthcare providers, professional, and all and yet we don't know how exactly they feel. I'm not asking you to get involved emotionally, I don't think that is professional but do we actually make a real effort to understand their pain and all? Most of us won’t, alright, I can assure you. So don't lose it, my challenge to you is to always be able to put yourself in your patient's shoes.

Because the pain, the anxiety, the fear are very real even though it's not real to you, it's real to them. So don't lose it and you know, right now I'm in the midst of my 5th cycle of my chemotherapy. I can tell you it’s a terrible feeling. Chemotherapy is one of those things that you don't wish even your enemies to go through because it's just suffering, lousy feeling, throwing out, you don't even know if you can retain your meals or not. Terrible feeling! And even with whatever little energy now I have, I try to reach out to other cancer patients because I truly understand what pain and suffering is like. But it's kind of little too late and too little.

You guys have a bright future ahead of you with all the resource and energy, so I’m going to challenge you to go beyond your immediate patients. To understand that there are people out there who are truly in pain, truly in hardship. Don’t get the idea that only poor people suffer. It is not true. A lot of these poor people do not have much in the first place, they are easily contented. for all you know they are happier than you and me but there are out there, people who are suffering mentally, physically, hardship, emotionally, financially and so on and so forth, and they are real. We choose to ignore them or we just don't want to know that they exist.

So do think about it alright, even as you go on to become professionals and dental surgeons and all. That you can reach out to these people who are in need. Whatever you do can make a large difference to them. I'm now at the receiving end so I know how it feels, someone who genuinely care for you, encourage and all. It makes a lot of difference to me. That’s what happens after treatment. I had a treatment recently, but I’ll leave this for another day. A lot of things happened along the way, that's why I am still able to talk to you today.

I'll just end of with this quote here, it's from this book called Tuesdays with Morris, and some of you may have read it. Everyone knows that they are going to die; every one of us knows that. The truth is, none of us believe it because if we did, we will do things differently. When I faced death, when I had to, I stripped myself off all stuff totally and I focused only on what is essential. The irony is that a lot of times, only when we learn how to die then we learn how to live. I know it sounds very morbid for this morning but it's the truth, this is what I’m going through.

Don’t let society tell you how to live. Don’t let the media tell you what you're supposed to do. Those things happened to me. And I led this life thinking that these are going to bring me happiness. I hope that you will think about it and decide for yourself how you want to live your own life. Not according to what other people tell you to do, and you have to decide whether you want to serve yourself, whether you are going to make a difference in somebody else's life. Because true happiness doesn't come from serving yourself. I thought it was but it didn't turn out that way.

Also most importantly, I think true joy comes from knowing God. Not knowing about God – I mean, you can read the bible and know about God – but knowing God personally; getting a relationship with God. I think that’s the most important. That’s what I’ve learnt.

So if I were to sum it up, I’d say that the earlier we sort out the priorities in our lives, the better it is. Don’t be like me – I had no other way. I had to learn it through the hard way. I had to come back to God to thank Him for this opportunity because I’ve had 3 major accidents in my past – car accidents. You know, these sports car accidents – I was always speeding , but somehow I always came out alive, even with the car almost being overturned. And I wouldn’t have had a chance. Who knows, I don’t know where else I’d be going to! Even though I was baptised it was just a show, but the fact that this has happened, it gave me a chance to come back to God.

Few things I’d learnt though:
1. Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart – this is so important.
2. Is to love and serve others, not just ourselves.

There is nothing wrong with being rich or wealthy. I think it’s absolutely alright, cos God has blessed. So many people are blessed with good wealth, but the trouble is I think a lot of us can’t handle it. The more we have, the more we want. I’ve gone through it, the deeper the hole we dig, the more we get sucked into it, so much so that we worship wealth and lose focus. Instead of worshipping God, we worship wealth. It’s just a human instinct. It’s just so difficult to get out of it.

We are all professionals, and when we go into private practise, we start to build up our wealth – inevitably. So my thought are, when you start to build up wealth and when the opportunity comes, do remember that all these things don’t belong to us. We don’t really own it nor have rights to this wealth. It’s actually God’s gift to us. Remember that it’s more important to further His Kingdom rather than to further ourselves.

Anyway I think that I’ve gone through it, and I know that wealth without God is empty. It is more important that you fill up the wealth, as you build it up subsequently, as professionals and all, you need to fill it up with the wealth of God.

Personally, I did not know who this man was. In fact, I had only just heard of him these past few days. His story moved me and inspired me personally. I picked up quite a few life lessons from him, some of which I realized again:

1. Ultimately, our family, friends and loved ones are the greatest treasures of our lives. When all is lost and we've hit rock bottom, they are the ones who will be by our side offering love, care and comfort. Striving to achieve success in wealth is fine, but never let it blindside you from the people who truly matter to you. Come to think of it, the best times of my life are the those spent with my family, friends and loved ones. Never neglect to let them know how much you love them and appreciate having them in your life.

2. Learn to empathize with others and be more understanding, especially they are faced with adversity, struggle and suffering.

3. Learning to live for others will make our lives far more meaningful than living for ourselves. Living only for yourself will only make you lonely and miserable in the end. Offer help, comfort and compliments freely and sincerely whenever you can. Build bridges, don't burn them.

4. Never let others dictate how you should live your life, or what your success should be. Everyone has a different definition of success, and should live by their own ideals.

PS: You may read more him on his online memorial.

Could it be a Sign?

I'm pretty sure that mom is still in denial till this day. Although I came out to her 3 times, she hasn't readily acknowledged who I am. However, a couple of things happened recently, although briefly, that made me think if she has in fact silently acknowledged, but not ready to fully accept.

This was last week. As usual, I was into my gaming mode after work:

Mom: Is this what you're gonna do the rest of your life?

Me: I'm just relaxing after work. Would you rather have me go out or be a home and save some money? Also, I haven't been feeling very well lately. Not since the previous event. I had a flu and cough, and got caught in the rain

Mom: Why didn't you bring your umbrella with you?

Me: I left it in the car in the multi-storey carpark. I didn't feel like walking all the way there just to get the umbrella.

Mom: Then what about the raincoat that was given to you for the event, in case it rained.

Me: I actually didn't think to wear it.

Mom: Aiyo, how can you be so careless? Learn to take care of yourself better. If you had a girlfriend, you would take better care of yourself, for her sake. You would be more savvy. Or at least, she would take care of you.

Me (getting annoyed): Why must I need a girlfriend so that I can be savvy, or take care of myself better?

Mom: Then, what about a boyfriend?

Me (surprised): Ermmm, I don't have any lah!

Yes, I caught totally off-guard by that one.

This one was just last Monday, at a neighbour's wedding dinner:

Random neighbour at our table: So, when is ah boy's turn? *looking at me*

Mom: *looks at me* I don't know, you ask him lah. Not yet lah.

Me: *just smiles awkwardly at neighbour*

Mom: *turns to me again and smiles* You really don't wanna get married one day?

Me: Don't worry mom. Sis and I will take care of each other, even if I'm not married. But, she has to get married because she really needs someone to take care of her.

Preceding the above conversation, the neighbour and mum were talking about how important it is to have a family so that they could take care of you when you're old. I have to admit that there is truth in what she's saying, especially if you should encounter any illnesses or mishaps in old age.

I believe that for every parent, one of the biggest reasons they would want their children to get married is so that they will be taken care of, long after parents are gone. I understand that, and think that perhaps, she just wants me to be looked after. She might not agree with my sexuality and could have forgone her dream of seeing me raise my own family, but I have an inkling that she wants me to be with someone, no matter who it is, so that I will have companionship and my well-being attended to. Let's face it, I'm not getting any younger. And I have been thinking about it as well. Perhaps I will adopt one day? Who knows? Do they even allow single parent adoption? I have no idea.

Those brief conversations with mom got me thinking. Could this be a sign that she's beginning to accept who I am? It is still kinda vague. I just hope that one day, I will be able to sit down with her and discuss my life freely, instead of filtering and keeping secrets. This, sincerely, I pray.

The Good and Bad

Holy poop on a stick!~ I mentioned a revival in June, then went *poof* for 3 months from the blogosphere. Oh well, but I'm back...for now at least. Quite a few things has happened these few months, both good and bad.

For starters, I've said goodbye to my previous job and shifted to a new one in September. It was a rather heavy-hearted farewell. Although my previous company had a work process so tedious, that just thinking about the tasks ahead felt draining, I had some great colleagues back there. The teamwork and synergy of my own team felt awesome and amicable. The people I worked with were pleasant and we did feel very much like a family. I was also very well liked, within and outside my organization. Still, I had to make a move to better pastures, and I'm forever grateful of the things I've learned there. In fact, it helped me secure this new job. Working at a huge semi-con company here in Penang now *hint hint*.

Very recently, after going and off again, I'm finally single. This time, I don't intend to go back. I have to be firm. We had a great one, but as time went on, our age gap became more apparent (at least, to me). He has matured a great deal in these past 2 years, yet I've felt that there was something missing. I felt unfulfilled, and then I realized that I loved him no longer as a partner, but more of a dear close friend. It wasn't good when the relationship felt more like an obligation to me. I tried very hard to love him back when we got back together the last time, and all was well. As time went by, it began to diminish again. It just felt stagnant. At times, I felt frustrated and trapped. I felt like I wasn't getting my end of the bargain. It wasn't about him. In fact, any person would be lucky to have him.

It's just that our expectations were different. I am at a different phase of my life when I strive to achieve and be something more. Early mid-life crisis perhaps? Maybe. I used to only be concerned on finding a partner. But that's when I was in my 20s. Now that I'm in my early 30s, it's a whole different ballgame. If I were to find another relationship, it would be with someone more matured (mentally and emotionally). But for now, I'm content on being single. I don't know what the future holds for the both of us, but I really hope I don't lose him. I still care for him deeply and I'm very protective of him. And I can't stand the sight of him crying, it just breaks my heart. Right now, we're not in contact, except for some messages in Whatsapp. He needs the time by himself to grief and move on, and I hope time heals his wounds quicker, so that we may see each other again. This time, as good friends.

Revival of the Pooh

It has been a little more than 7 months since my last post. I've decided at the last post that I no longer had the inspiration nor the time to sustain my blog. However, a recent circumstance compelled me to resurrect this little bloggie from the dusty, cobwebbed tomb that I've left it in. So, here I am. Hopefully ready once again to pen finger my thoughts for the amusement of the cyber community and my once avid (I hope) followers. What has transpired for the past 7 months of my absence here?

For starters, my work organization went for a re-shuffle beginning of this year. I was freed from the tyranny of the 'shining' (a term branded by some of my new co-workers for my bald, tall and imposing Indian ex-boss) and I was left in the hands of a proper manager. One whom I'm more than happy to work with, as we knew that he has a good rep and was pleasant to work with, and am still happy to do so today. That alone lifted a great deal of stress off my shoulders, and I felt like working in a proper office again. Not struggling with a 'kuli' and big boss relationship, but a professional employee and manager one.

And it seems that my ex-boss is facing sort of a downward spiral at the moment. We did a survey last year, as do all large companies, regarding anything from working conditions to direct supervisors and top 3 lowest points in our department was selected for a workshop to brainstorm for improvements early this year. My ex-boss was one of them LOL. Also, we just changed dept head (his boss) and plant manager as well. Basically, he is also under new management as well and we wonder how he will cope because we know that even current managers and dept heads dislike him or working with him. I know it bears a hint of cruelty to chuckle gleefully at that, but he treated us like dirt with no respect, made my life miserable, didn't teach my shit and even gave me a borderline low performance.

Zai2 and I aren't together anymore. It happened early this year and we agreed mutually to separate. I won't elatborate right now but I was at a point in my life where I had a little too much to handle, among other things. But all in all, we're both still good friends and pretty much enjoying our single lives. I'm not really looking for anything right now, but wouldn't mind sampling some 'goods'. So far, haven't done that.

It seems now that I'm in my early 30s, my focus has shifted and my perspective has changed. In my 20s, all I could think about was finding a BF. Now, I'm more concerned about enhancing my network of friends or contacts and pondering about my financial future. Not that I'm poor or anything, but just wanna focus on improving my lifestyle. And money opens up more options. Life has been pretty quiet in Penang, with quite a few of my close friends having left the country to work/study overseas. As much as I love Penang to bits, I miss KL a lot. I love the city life plus have many friends there that I really enjoy hanging out with. You know who you are =)

So far, the year 2012 has been pretty good and we're already almost halfway through. I hope the second half will bring better things!~

After A 2 Month Hiatus...

Somehow, I've lost the will to blog. I don't really have the time nor the energy to write about anything late, which explains my 2 month hiatus. Work has been a bitch and the rat race has intensified over the course of this year. But fret not, that was also the call for me to get pro-active in order to have a better life and future. I'm determined not to stay average or mediocre. I want more than what life has to give right now. I want a better life. A LOT BETTER.

Life is much of a blur sometimes, thanks to my current job. And I'm still striving to get out of it. In fact, wish me luck for an interview this Saturday =)

On brighter note, zai2 and I are back together now, and we've been so for more than 3 months since our 'break-up'. What to do, he's still stuck to me like glue. Someday, I might need to have him surgically removed from me. During the course of our 'break-up', I imagined what life would be like without him. He knew me well, adjusted to my temperaments and even my family liked him. He cheered for my dreams and aspirations, and brought further cheer into my life. We did have a couple of arguments during that time and almost did break-up for real.

Then, I imagined what life would truly be without him, and I would be back to square one. Alone and striving to find that which would fill the void in my heart. Even if I were to find someone else, I would have to go through an entire cycle of mutual discoveries that new couples go through. Why would I want to put myself through all that when one who truly loves me is already in front of me? Doubts faded and a deeper affection arose. At the time when I almost lost him, was the time I found out that I needed him, as he did me.

We're not a perfect couple. We have our ups and downs. We struggle just like everyone else. But, all I know is that the thought of really losing him left me with an aching pain. A sudden, dark void that felt physical. An emptiness devoid of joy. I guess I didn't really feel it when we 'broke-up' because he was always around me. At the height of our arguments, a real break-up was at the brink of coming true. And that was when I found out how much I still loved him. Isn't it a bitch how much you truly appreciate something once it's gone, or almost gone in my case?

Random Ramblings

Sorry peeps. I know my blog has turned into a bit of a ghost town of late. Hardly a single post for almost 3 weeks. Been busy with real life, and recently very engrossed with Bersih 2.0. If you must know where I stand, I'M ALL WITH BERSIH! Events in the past week leading to the actual Bersih 2.0 rally has been a whirlwind of overwhelming emotions from anger, support, frustration, amazement and more. I feel like a Bersih post coming up (even though I wasn't there) but time doesn't really permit at this point.

Still struggling to get my life back in order, and striving to work on the right priorities. I need to place my thoughts in a more positive future and work towards that. My dreams and aspirations won't fall onto my lap just like that. It takes work.

Also, I've joined the Apple cult clan last week. My trusty 4-year-old Nokia is falling apart, like literally. That hardy thing withstood MANY falls (it's also my alarm clock, so...you know when you're really sleepy and reach for your alarm clock, you sometimes knock it to the ground. In my case, it's MANY times) and even a snatch theft.

Sometimes I really wonder, when did life get so hard and complicated? Then, when I think about it, it's more about perspective. It's about how you look at it. Sure, how you're feeling at the time could greatly influence your judgement. If you're feeling really tired or demotivated, life seems like crap, however you see it. But as a whole, how you ultimately choose to look at it is what matters. Circumstances happen and we can't control it, how you react will determine the outcome. All too often, we tend to get emotionally hijacked or let our impulse run the show, and most of those times, don't we find that we get short-changed as a result?

I believe that I'm at a time when I'm supposed to fight my way out. It's like I'm paying my dues to qualify for something greater. Does that make sense?

Pessimism is a sneaky bastard. It can creep up to you when you least expect it, park itself at a spot where it can't be spotted, whisper its dark lies into your ears and blind you from seeing and appreciating the things that you have and those who really matter. I need to take a good hard look at my life, and value the things that I have. Isn't it a bitch when you don't know what you really had, until you've lost it?

It's late, and here ends my ramblings for tonight. It's not much, just some stuff on top of my head.

The Boss

It's late but I can't sleep. Something in my head refuses to settle. I'm feeling uneasy and slightly disturbed. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm going to work in a job that I hate, thanks to my boss. Since I started working in RB 6 months ago, I've changed but unfortunately, not for the better. I'm moodier and much less happier than usual. I'm a lot more exhausted and frustrated most of the time. Both William and Jo have noticed and remarked on this change in me. I used to complain for fun when I was still attached to D, but now, my complaints genuinely resonate my intense frustrations and unhappiness stemming from RB.

It's not so much about the job that irks me, but about the BOSS. I swear, he is the BIGGEST pet peeve of all. I wouldn't mind as much working with a busy schedule, but working with a unreasonable boss with an attitude problem and a bad-temper really takes the cake. It's nerve-wrecking working for someone who's as volatile and unpredictable as a ferocious, quiet guard dog. You never know when he will bare his teeth, bark and bite off your nuts. Unlike my previous managers, who can rightfully be called professional people managers, he maintains a strict boss and co-worker mentality. Not that it's all bad, but his attitude is what makes him over-bearing and hateful. It really says something when the new hires and even trainees try to avoid him as much as possible, and not to mention rejoicing when he's on leave.

He's stubborn, obnoxious, condescending, confrontational, impatient, has a short-fused temper and is not qualified as a people manager. To add to that, he has a habit of dumping tasks on people regardless of whether that person is overloaded, which just spells poor management to me. He has poor people skills and just enjoys barking at people to get things done, and get things done HIS way. As a result, there are many who think that he is a pain in the neck and ought to be avoided. I even caught him reading adult sex stories on the internet during working hours a couple of times.

Compared to him, my previous 'real' managers were saints, who knew how to manage people properly, streamline tasks and really cared about us, our opinions and concerns. They were people whom you could really talk to, not some brash, hot-headed neanderthal who likes to swing his verbal club around just because he has the most knowledge and experience. It might work for people who have worked with him for a long time, but it's just gonna repel those who have experienced a better, more tolerant and professional environment. I've been on the end of his verbal assaults quite a few times, so I've witness more severe lashings even toward the senior engineers (there was one particular time when I was almost certain a fight was gonna break out between him and a fellow engineer, when the engineer spoke back, saying that my boss shouldn't talk to him like that). It's no wonder that they are leaving as well...no one's gonna take his bullshit forever.

Man, it felt good to let it all out and I expect to leave soon too.

Life On A Standstill

Life seems like a race lately and I barely get any time for myself. I seem to have a lot on my mind and sometimes, I just feel trapped or suffocated. One thing occurred to me though. I realized one of the reasons my social life is in a bit of a slump is because I don't have access to the internet at work. It just dawned on me how much time I spent on the internet during working hours to update myself, blog and connect with people online, provided of course I had nothing urgent going on or lots of work piling. Facebook was an integral part of my day. It was the next thing I opened after my email. I would normally update my blog at work as well, and constantly updated myself surfing Google, Youtube etc.

I haven't really been going out much as well. I really miss those fun outings and crazy times we had. I miss going to KL just to get away from it all and unwind. I miss my friends in KL, hanging out and going clubbing occasionally. It's not that I don't really have the time, but I really need to conserve my coffers and my new company it a little more hectic and restrictive when it comes to taking days off. I guess the big difference is that I have a lot more financial commitments since last year. I've become more of a miser when it comes to spending, something which I don't really condone since I don't like to feel restricted. I'm really working on overcoming this issue and I can only hope for the best at this point.

Life has been pretty quiet and drab, something that I really dislike. I hate to say it but since a lot my friends left, it hasn't been the same. I miss you guys bucket-loads, you know who you are :)

You Are Perfect To Me

At a time when I felt incredibly vulnerable, sad and awash with doubt; at a time when I felt unworthy and so unsure of myself, this song played on my car radio as I drove home in despair many nights ago.

I hadn't noticed at first, with my mind in a race of thoughts, but the words eventually caught my attention. It was just the right moment, with the right message and the just right words that I needed to hear. It was so miraculous, or at least it felt that way to me. There was no one else around, just me alone in the car. It was as if You were listening to my heart, and knew exactly what to say. You may call it coincidence if you want, but I believe that that song was meant for me.

I burst into tears as I drove back. I just let it all out. Both touched and utterly grateful for that song, I just want to share it with all of you.

If you're feeling down, unworthy or terribly discouraged with yourself, this is the song for you =)

It's Just One Of Those Times...

Sometimes, life seems to move at light speed, and I begin to lose sight of things.

Sometimes, life seems to be such a heaving struggle, I begin to tire at every possibility of action and just wanna lay down in inaction.

Sometimes, life seems so fatiguing, that my mind ceases to perceive and becomes a huge, jumbled blur.

Sometimes, I just lose sight of my direction, hoping that there will be a flicker of light in the distance to guide you back to the longing road.

Sometimes, I don't even know what I want, and the resulting frustration just steers me into more indecision.

Sometimes, I wonder if things will ever get better, clinging furiously in the dark, hoping to hold to climb back up where there will be light again.

Sometimes, I wonder if most of what's going on in my life is self-inflicted, and my mind sneers trying to stifle a knowing giggle.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will implode with all this confusion, but I still live to wonder about that another day.

Sometimes, I vehemently try to pry open the forbidden veils of the future in my mind and take a spy, only to find it concealed in a thick fog.

Sometimes, I wonder if I will really be able to get back on track, and reach the dreams that I've laid out at the end.

Sometimes, I feel so lost, as if my mind's compass is spinning wildly in the magnetic field of the burdens that still await.

Sometimes, I just wanna let it all go, and feel the joy and peace again.

God, please light the way for me.

We Broke Up

We broke up last night. We said our goodbyes, amidst muffled sobs, as we held each other tightly before he left, at a quarter past midnight. I was determined not to cry, but when William tearfully muttered "Goodbye, lou gong" in my arms, I burst into tears as well. We've been together for more than a year, and we shared so many fond memories with each other. We're still good friends and I'm still here for him, and I know that William still loves me very, very much.

In my current circumstances, I just didn't have much time to spend with him, and give him the company and attention that he needs. I have a lot more commitments in my life right now, be it from the job, business and/or family. Even so, every time I wanted to go out, especially during weekends, we would be out together. But now, our outings and personal time together have been scarce. How I wished that life was simpler like few years ago, when I had at lot less to worry about and just enjoyed life a lot more, but life doesn't stay that way forever. The lack of time was really taking a toll on us, especially William.

The deepest thorn in our relationship was that my feelings for him have diminished. I felt that I no longer loved him like I used to. I'm not saying that I totally didn't neither. I still love and care for him to an extent, but not as a BF anymore. I knew this would be painful for him to hear, but I had to be honest with him. Whenever he asked if I loved him, I couldn't bring myself to answer him. I truly believe that you should only tell someone that you love them, only when you really meant it. I didn't want to lie to him and William noticed it as well. Sometimes, I still wonder if it's because of the tiredness or stress that's causing me to feel this way...

My relationship with William was the longest that I've ever had. It was also the most pleasant, loving and happy one. NO ONE has loved me more deeply and passionately as William did, which made me even more guilty when I felt that I didn't reciprocate his feelings. I couldn't give him the love, time and attention that he was meant to have. This wasn't the first time we talked about a break-up, but the third. And this time, we really went with it after really talking it through. I wasn't keen to break up with him, because I was afraid that I would have made a grave mistake. Amongst the few that I've been with, William was the best. But, I can't be in a relationship with someone that I didn't love. It would just be miserable for the both of us, and terribly unfair to him.

It was still painful in the end, and for the most part for William, although both of us cried. William is a deeply emotional person, and I can't help but want to protect him because I feel that he can be so fragile at times. However, I know he will be alright, because I also know that he is stronger than he thinks. I'm in tears as I'm writing this, in grief of letting him go. It was such a difficult decision to make, because I know how sad and painful it would be for him. I can't stand to see William cry, and I can't help but be reduced to tears as well every time he does. It just didn't feel right to go on, since I can't commit to the relationship right now nor give him the love that he so rightfully deserves.

However, a part of me still fears that I might regret this decision. Only time will tell if we eventually end up together again, or move on with our lives. Only time will tell if we were meant to be apart, or just needed a break from the relationship. I woke up this morning with a heavy heart, engulfed with sadness. Even now, I'm a lot more worried and concerned about him than myself.

I will miss zai2 very much, but I'm also glad we didn't go through an ugly break-up. I'm glad that we're still good friend, and both of us need some time to heal. I know that he is still with me, and I will always fondly cherish our memories together.

Financially Challenged

"Money is not the most important thing in the world, but it is important for most things in life"

Do you agree with this quote? People who actually believe that money is the root of all evil, should try to argue the destitute, homeless and financially bankrupt. If you still believe that, by all means, I would love to relieve you from that 'evil'. And people who believe that are also those with the most money and arguably, might have too much time to think and conjure up such nonsensical notion. A gun doesn't kill people, people kill people.

My life has taken a financial backseat in the past couple of years. Added commitments and some unfortunate incidents have caused inevitable outward monetary surge from my coffers, and this has become a source of self-inflicted stress. Don't get me wrong, I'm not approaching poverty any time soon. But, I am the type of person who believes in saving for a rainy day. Wisely cautious or borderline paranoid, however you want to put it, I'm always wary that shit might happen, which would require digging into any cash reserves. So, it is distressing to me that the meagre digits in my bank account haven't given birth to more digits, and have been quite stagnant in the past couple of years. Right now, my expenses (which is quite little) and commitments are almost equal to my salary.

I'm not a big spender. In fact, I haven't been shopping for a long time and my very limited wardrobe bores me to tears. I've been wearing my worn out gym sneakers for almost everything for almost 2 years. My social life in Penang (and KL) is like Lindsay Lohan's career, almost dead. I'm in need of a lot of things right now, and I'm tempted to just throw caution into the wind (or in front of a speeding bus) and get them.

However, I've come to realize that life is how you choose to be. I've been making myself feel miserable for the past year. 2010 felt like hell for me coz I was stressing myself out. And for what? It's not as if money will come crashing down from the heavens if I choose to indulge in self-inflicted worries. Instead, I should re-adjust my focus. Shift my mental energy to observe what I truly have, and what I can do to improve it. A brand new car (coz my old one got totaled thanks to dad), a steady roof over my head, a brand new computer, enough food to eat every day; basically the necessities (yes, a PC is a necessity for me, like my liver). Sure, I'm not as rich or fabulous as the next wealthy snob, but my life doesn't suck ass either.

Whatever the circumstances, we ultimately choose how we react towards it. Circumstances won't change, we change. There is no merit dwelling in despair, nor indulging in negative self-talk. We are who we choose to be, whether you believe it or not. Also, I leave you with this...

"The wealthiest person is not the one with the most money, but the one with the least debts".

This is SO true...well, in my books anyways =)

Still Self-conscious

I used to be fat in my late teens into early adulthood. On top of that, I had bad skin and acne problems. It's probably no wonder that I've been very uncomfortable under my skin ever since. Even though I've come so far and improved by leaps and bounds, I've never quite gotten over being physically self-conscious. Although that feeling has toned down considerably since those dark days of self-bashing and deep-seated self-loathing, I've never really been able to shake it off entirely. Yes, I know that everyone struggles with their own insecurities, and may even triumph over 'em if you consciously work to overcome them. Subsequently, I've always figured that I'd have gotten rid of it by now.

I'm still self-conscious about how I look topless. So much so that I've never taken my shirt off even to my closest friends. Sure, I've always been working out regularly and in fact, fitness has become so routine for me and the gym is like my second home. Sure, my body is miles away from what it used to be, and I've grown some muscle on me bones, but I'm still embarrassed that I don't look as good as I should for someone who goes to the gym. To this day, I'm still not able to take my shirt off in public except that one time when I was clubbing in KL on new year's and my friends pulled my shirt off and shoved me on stage. How sad T.T

I still find it difficult to smile in front of the camera, since I'm not the least bit photogenic. Thankfully, my skin has improved dramatically, and I owe it all to Artistry (let me know if your interested). At least I look more pleasant in photos now, but I still dread the stare of the camera occasionally. And I can't endure close-ups. They reveal the nooks and crannies that should be concealed under piles of make-up, but I never wear make-up. Nor do I touch up any of my photos. So, whatever you see on Facebook is the REAL DEAL. Call if pride or whatever you want, but I don't believe in falsifying my own image in a bid to improve the viewers expectation of myself. I believe that should you want to friend me, you should be sincere and like the person that I am. Furthermore, what's the use for you to make photos of yourself so utterly gorgeous, only to end up bombing the person's expectation when he/she finally meets you? Potong steam I tell you. Might as well be just who you are =)

Yeah, I know this post is supposed to be about me being all self-conscious, but I gotta insert something positive in there. A long time ago, I've made up my mind to avoid negative stuff or be whiny about myself. When I started this blog, it was more about self-expression, whether it be good or bad. However, my posts were more negative back then. So I'm glad to say, it's taken a turn for the better in recent years. And my posts are way happier these days =)

2 Friggin' Weeks!

Yeah, it's been THAT long since I last updated. Not coz I was lazy or anything, but life has been a huge handful lately.

As of today, it's been 3 months into the new job. Still trying to grasp the elaborate processes required but one major thing that sticks out like a sore thumb. There are SOOO MANY DOCUMENTS! Seriously, I come from a paperless environment in my last job, and this is something I still have trouble adjusting to. Everything has to be printed out, submitted and kept for documentation. I think I will kill a small tree every three months. We are a global company and I find it ridiculous that we're taking part in Go Green initiatives and using so much paper.

Also, file organization in the system is almost non-existent. In simpler terms, it's a freakin' mess. So properly revision control, lack of updates and plenty of incomplete documents. Sometimes I can't really blame them. The amount of documents to print, file and keep is tremendous!

What I MISS THE MOST is the flexibility and freedom I used to have. I miss coming and going as I please. I miss submitting my leaves online and adjusting as needed at any time. Here, I wanna go on half day leave also have to submit two forms and wait for boss's approval before I can get out of the plant.

I won't even bother to mention what a bother it is not to have internet. How the hell am I going it google for WOW stuff, Facebook all day, update my blog and watch Youtube work stuff then? One good thing is that I don't park my ass in front of the desk most of the time, except if I have some documents to do. Or else, I'd bore myself to death. So I'm usually up and about.

Our production is FILLED female operators, mostly Malay or Indon, that like to give awkward stares every time I pass by in production. Sorry ladies, even with enough make-up on to kill a wild elephant, and even though I think some of you are actually gorgeous...I'm not interested. Why aren't there any cute guy operators? Sigh ><

The big kahuna has begun dumping numerous projects on me, when I'm still in the dark about most of the processes here, so I'm kinda struggling to keep myself afloat. Communication really needs to improve here, especially for some colleagues in my own department. Giving me bits and pieces and incomplete info and you expect me to perform optimally?

On the other hand, I do enjoy the company of my colleagues. I find them to be matured, nice, friendly and kinda fun. I felt a sense of welcome as soon as I began as they included me in most of their activities right away. The organization in my office isn't that huge, so everyone basically know each other, making it seem like a more closely knit community. That, and the slightly higher salary are the only positives that I can derive at the moment. It's no wonder when some of the older folks would bet on how many of the new people would actually stay for long. Recently, a new person in probation left after just 5 months =/

Exactly a month ago, I went for an interview (surprise, surprise!) in one of the top US companies that sells one of the world's best technologies *hint*. I really hope I can get it. They are still in the process of selection, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed since there are 4 positions available and only 10 people, including myself interviewed for that position.

Pray for me...will you? =)